Venting I can't surmount my problems (it seems)! Mostly a vent

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

It has been almost a year already since my condition worsened and what have I succeeded to surmount and overcome my problems I already had and improve my condition which worsened. Yes, you guessed it: absolutely nothing! I only think right now that I have survived another year in vain of some sort of hopeful miracle to happen to me. And still, my brain is clinging onto that non-existent hope like a fool what I am. I have ordered my SN but I still couldn't execute my perhaps not so well-thought-out and carefully planned plan (yes, I was so unable to go forward to it in my deep depression/inability to execute it) at the beginning of July. After that didn't play out as I had thought, I left this site for a while because I thought this site ran me down and hindered my progress to improve my situation/condition but came back here in later half of last month when nothing seemed to not have been really improved/changed in my ability to perhaps make some difference. Yes, I haven't been able to do those things I had little thought out about improving and am still in this stalemate situation with my brain about continuing this shite called life.

I have f.e. felt lately that my burial ashes should belong into trash bag and thrown into wastes with regular trash when I die (perhaps by my own hand) like what I am: an utter piece of trash. That's because I am a human incapable to survive in really tough situations or even in everyday regular life and have failed to do nothing to really improve my situation/condition.

Why even bother anymore trying? Why just not end it up right now? Because it seems like next year will be the same horrid and futile struggle as this one. Why does SI and care for loved ones sorrow have to be so strong to not be able to end it all? Why do I cling to hope that I could do something to my situation/condition which I clearly haven't been able to and will not be able to entirely? And all these shite questions bothering me almost every damn day to wore me down...

Ps. My problems are related to my health (mental/physical), a little to my overall financial/educational etc. situation, sociality and my mind's inability to let my past be past.