Venting I can't stop overthinking stupid crap about my suicide

[UmbraDweller]

You know what's my biggest problem? I'm trying to do this perfectly. Trying to consider every detail and it's just holding me back. My mindset is either do it in the best way possible or not at all, and I can't get rid of it. I can't just get over with it. It's so dumb. Maybe it's also my subconscious postponing it, because I'm scared shitless of fucking up something.

Overthinking all the possible shits which don't even matter. What's the best date to do it, best last words to say, which method, best equipment, sources, best spot, mmm should I wear a diaper so I don't piss my pants, should I let the police know beforehand so noone innocent finds my body, should I throw out my stuff, uuu what should I do with my money, should I delete my chats or should I leave it, what will hurt others more, should I write a note, should I just dissapear, bs, bs, bs.

And then there's of course those uncertainities constantly peeking on me. What if I fuck up this, what if I fuck up that, what if it's not gonna work, what if it hurts, what if I call for help, what if someone finds me too early, what if I end up in a fucking ward, what if there's worse shit after death...

So I end up getting overwhelmed and never move anywhere. I would never think you can procrastinate suicide lol. All of this nonsense which doesn't even fucking matter. I will be damn dead to care, so why do I care? I know already that it's what I want. Why the fuck can't I just do it then? Why am I like this, why do I overcomplicate it. It's just a piece of meat.

 

[Daryl72]

Right there with you, can totally relate. It sounds like me and my OCD which overthinking everything. OCD is hell and that's one of the main components of this terrible mental illness. I want to go through with it in the worst way, but every aspect has me overthinking it.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

God, I'm the same way. ASD/obsessive thought patterns really fuck me up.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Yeah I get that. Plus your own life gets in the way. I pretty much was made fun of on here for putting it off, or not "trying very hard", so don't let any fuckers here or in your head push you. If you go that route, you should feel secure and content with it as much as is possible for going against your own biology. I don't know what your method is, but I'd build off that. If you have no foundation, you can't work on the decor and details. It's not easy, and people who say it is are warped. I've pulled the trigger (didnt know how to undo a safety) without writing notes or deleting thingsz or anything... It was spur of the moment because I only had a moment. Hindsight, that would've been horror on my family. This is a huge decision. It requires huge thought. You may think yourself out of it and that's a way too.
Hth.

 

[SpaceGhost111]

I feel you bro, obsess over everything. fuck mental illness

 

[ASp4E]

...what if someone finds me too early, what if I end up in a fucking ward...

Considering potential issues isn't necessarily a bad thing. With these two concerns, perhaps avoiding any actions indicative of suicidal intent or likely to arouse suspicion, might help reduce the chances of those events and partially alleviate one's worries. I personally plan to not have any parting words, suicide notes, unusual behavioral changes or actions, calling the police, etc. (Unless they are somehow beneficial, like improving the chances of success, or reducing the consequences of failure.)

On another note, would choosing a few factors to prioritize and focus over others be helpful?

 

[Onelegman]

I don't have diagnosed OCD, but maybe I have a little too, because I am also very obsessive when it comes to organizing a trip, a renovation in the house... and my ctb, of course.

I have also thought about everything you have said, what if they find me? what do I put in the note? what can go wrong? And well, little by little I have been resolving those doubts, making sure that some cannot occur, fixing others for the same... it is not about perfecting everything in detail, just the most important and taking the rest to a level that one person without OCD considers acceptable. As long as something works, everything is fine, many things cannot fail as we think.

I hope that, like me, you can help yourself realize those things and come up with a solution that will gradually remove things from your list.