Venting I can’t stop myself ^_^

[KanyePepper]

I'll try to make a long story short. I was with a woman for 4.5 years. She cheated on me and left me. Bad, messy breakup. I was and still am in love with her. I know people have worse problems but this has caused the worst depression of my life. She ended up putting a no contact order on me even though she was the one being horrible about it and being super manipulative.

2 months pass, I have been good and not contacted her. I get a phone call from her saying she dropped the no contact order, she tells me she wants to be my friend still and is seeing someone else. Totally fucking fucks up all the healing I've tried to do. We agree not to talk to each other but occasionally I break down and send her some stupid message. I called her once and her new boyfriend answers and that completely destroyed me.

I gave her my old computer while we were together but she left it here and she left all of her stuff logged into it. She has no idea that I can read her emails, Facebook, all her dating sites, I could even check her bank account if I wanted.

So basically I'm a crazy stalker then right? I am not doing anything malicious with this information, I'm just letting myself get hurt more and more by all the stuff I keep finding and reading. But I literally can not stop myself! I need to just destroy this stupid computer and forget every password of hers I know but I feel powerless to stop it.

I guess this is a longer post than I intended. Having a really hard time and not sure if everyone will just thing I'm nuts for doing this kinda shit, but I don't know what to do anymore. :(

Also, I apologize if I posted this in the wrong section. Still pretty new and I realized this after I posted.

 

[bigj75]

Well hell I can't really gripe at you. ive been there myself going crazy over a ex.
One thing I do believe is time will heal the shit. Eventually you will get over it. Just don't go so far to where you get yourself thrown in jail or beat up by her boyfriend.

 

[KanyePepper]

And just so you guys have a little bit more knowledge of myself as a person, I made a pretty serious attempt shortly after the initial breakup.

I tried the charcoal barbecue method in my bathroom. I read a lot how it was supposed to work and I do believe I had it set up correctly. I told a good friend of mine who knew I was struggling that I was pretty sure I was going to go through with it. That was my biggest mistake. She was in a different country and I didn't really think that she would be able to go through my Facebook and find my mom and contact her. So even though I was asleep in my bathroom and totally content with it happening if everything was successful, I woke up to police knocking on my door. I had left a note and I knew at this point that it wasn't going to happen so I let them in and was in a psych ward for about a week.

I actually have a pretty good life, I own my own business and I make good money and I'm well liked and loved, but I can't really seem to get over this depression. Even with all the meds I'm on, all the support I'm given, I still find myself constantly thinking about trying again. I tell everyone I'm fine but I secretly want to try again.

It's not even JUST this that makes me unhappy. And I'm being self-destructive as hell lately. My business is suffering because of my decision making and I just want to give up but I can't really. A month ago, I blew 3000 dollars at a casino, punched a cement wall, caused 5 fractures, and now I have 3 pins in my hand after having surgery a couple weeks ago. I'm not even an angry or violent person at ALL, this is one of the worst most embarrassing things I've ever done.

And then I cut my cast off because I'm claustrophobic as HELL and absolutely can't stand the thought of being trapped in it. My doctor thinks I might end up creating permanent damage to my hand now but I really just don't care anymore. Ugh.

 

[alexithymia]

Welcome to the forum. I wish you didn't feel the need to be here, but welcome nonetheless.

I can't seem to articulate more than that right now, but I hope you find some solace in being here. My heart goes out to you—I know how painful heartbreak is and how debilitating depression can be.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear of your situation, sounds a bit like my ex minus the cheating. I'd steer clear of her and I hear you about punching things, it's hard to just think of other things feeling like this
Peace/hugs

 

[ChristopherWalken]

Buddy I have been exactly where you are at and at some point you are going to just stop caring about the Facebook messages and emails and whatnot. But you can go ahead and stop at any time and get on with your life. You may need to go ahead and do this before you destroy your life or yourself. It's not worth it to kill yourself over someone that doesn't care about you. Right now you can't stop thinking about her and only her. I was the same way when I broke up with my lying, cheating, but beautiful and so often sweet and lovable girlfriend. I thought I would never get over her I was going nuts. I started working out and that helped a lot, sometimes when it was really bad I would workout twice a day. Eventually I just stopped worrying about her and focused on improving myself little by little day by day. A few months ago I met a really sweet girl and well it only lasted a week but I realized I could have fallen just in love with her as I had been with my ex. You blew 3 grand at a casino? So what that sounds like you had a good time. What are your friends up to these days? Go hang out with them. At the end of my relationship I realized I had driven away all my friends and I had to make all new ones, from scratch. It was hard but I was eventually able to meet some cool guys I wanted to hang out with and we became best friends. We ended up meeting a lot of girls that way. Have you ever done DMT? Have you ever gone to a music festival? What about Burning Man? There's so many things you could be doing instead of stalking your ex online. I forgave my ex and wished her well (mentally), and that helped me move on. I haven't talked to her in 2 years but I still remember her fondly.