It's the only place I can honestly and openly talk about depression and suicidal ideation. You can talk about it to a therapist but it's risky. I haven't felt accepted anywhere else like I have here. All of my life felt forced down my throat really. You have to go to school. You need a career. Life is difficult enough when you're healthy, but almost unbearable when you're chronically sick. I know that I'm gonna have surgery soon and get better, but the whole ordeal I went through left me hating the world and life. I never really wanted to do anything but be left alone. I was a loner by choice. I saw that most people are very materialistic and flashy and didn't want any part of it. Now I just can't stand it when everything you hold dear can be ripped from you in an instant. I really thought that people were more empathetic to the sick. I even had the nurse I saw weekly for treatment gossip about me with a younger doctor I first had there. It infuriated me because I was simply asking questions only to get cut and brushed off. This is the same bitch who also wrote off the diagnosis and surgical option I received. It seems like she only gives a shit about filling up her schedule and not my health or quality of life. I finally got to see another old friend who is finishing up his PhD and went through a difficult and lengthy chronic condition. He validated my feelings of wanting to die because of my health and allowed me to really vent for hours. Has anyone else felt like they don't belong in the world and were never going to make it because it's so competitive and demanding? I hope nobody doesn't mind me being on here because most of what I have is depression and suicidal thoughts. I don't have a plan as I have made some half ass attempts in the past like drinking Nyquil till I passed out. It's actually expected that when people go through a chronic condition that they will develop suicidal feelings. If I was to do anything it would probably be on impulse again and some kind of overdose which happens when I get really lonely. I feel more comfortable here than talking to a therapist because at least hear the truth here because there aren't any consequences.
Yeah I registered today after months of lurking and building up my plan and gradually stocking up on pain killing meds and equipment needed for hanging. I only registered because I had some specific questions but I really like the non-judgmental and mature attitude of the members. Just remember regarding your own specific post that unplanned, impulsive acts can very often make the situation worse. And also bear in mind that nothing is of any great importance, though admittedly easier said than truly believed. If you feel lonely, remember there is an awful lot of Roman literature translated into English which discuses suicide, death, and pain from a pre-Christian era when suicide was considered perfectly rational under certain circumstances. Recommendations are Cicero's Tusculan Disputations (especially part one, which deals with the death itself and part two, which deals with how to endure physical pain) and Seneca (most of his works include some references to suicide). I'm going to compile a list when I have some more time and a brief outline of the most useful information.
blueming
if we can stand outside the borders of time
- Sep 21, 2018
- 253
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Dealing with chronic illness is indeed unbearable - not from my personal experience, but I have taken care of family members with chronic conditions and have a vague understanding of the pain they go through. I'm glad you're going to get surgery and get better physically. Mentally however is a different issue. Even if you decide to not go through with suicide, you can always share your thoughts and struggles on this site. I also prefer this to talking to therapists. People on here are going through similar situations so they are more understanding.
I really hope that your pain ends soon :)
I really hope that your pain ends soon :)
Yeah, but I figured out it's not. Not competitive or demanding. The best deal is to declare disability and not even attempt to do anything.
My mistake is that I attempted, succeeded, and realize it's all just a waste. But I had to do it to figure that out. If I knew when I was 16 what I know now, I'd have quit school and probably shot myself back then.
I still think maybe if you're not wired for misery, maybe there's a chance life can be worth it. People actually like it and want more. I don't get it. Don't understand it. I believe I've avoided as much hell as possible, others are subjected to more than me, yet still it's all just hell.
I have become less suicidal since quitting adderall and hitting gym every morning. Half hour cardio, and then weights. It eliminated my suicidal ideation but I'm not recovered yet. My life is pretty much a disaster and I'm not ruling suicide out in the future if I have to or my situation gets that dire.
Susannah
Mage
- Jul 2, 2018
- 530
I so sorry to hear about your illness/pain. I also have strong chronic pain after an accident. My local hospital fucked up big time when they tried to fix me on the emergency. Luckily this great surgent (in our national hospital) managed to save my arm from being amputated. Rehabilitation failed (don't know why) and I "fell between chairs" (Norwegian expression for falling out of the system). I also find people, even nurses, quite bad and selfish. Good luck with your operation.
It's interesting that you mention that going to the gym has reduced your suicidal ideation, because I had been going to the gym regularly for years and loved it. Then I moved to a different area and stopped working out and that's when I started to think seriously about suicide. That was about six years ago now. Looking back, the gym was my favourite part of the day, and even at university I loved swimming and relaxing in the spa and baths at Virgin Active. I always had time for the gym no matter how busy I was, but now I just lack the motivation and the time to go. I think it's not just the physical exercise that helps, but also being in a place where everyone is focused on themselves yet are usually friendly without being overly so and generally keeping themselves to themselves.
In my last gym there was a guy in his early twenties who routinely went but suffered from some kind of illness where all his body was stiff (I think he had cerebral palsy), yet people left him in peace, and some of the staff did joke with him despite the fact it was difficult to make out what he was saying when he did try to speak. He was surely using the gym as a means to simply "keep going" in life; he'd set up his objectives and that was that. I think if he were to stop then he'd use his time to think what a miserable state he's in, which is perhaps what happened to me when I stopped, even though he'd been far less fortunate than I. We have the habit of comparing our lives with those who we deem as more fortunate than ourselves, and not vice-versa, which is always going to be our downfall.
Yeah if you're happy at that gym then do your best to not move! When I moved I did try out two local gyms but they were too small and claustrophobic. The larger, more spacious, the better in my opinion. A new one has opened up which seems larger, but I'm going to start out by using my pull up bar I set up a year ago. I lost the motivation to actually do pull ups but will aim to simply to hang from it for 30 minutes while also working my abs and upper back/shoulders, which doubles up as a test to see if it'll support my weight for 30 minutes as it's the instrument I plan on using if all doesn't go well.
