I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Have you sought help about your problems? Trying everything possible to fix your situation is the best thing you can do for your family.
I've been in and out of counseling and medication for the past few years. Nothing has really helped unfortunately. Since money has started to become scarce I have stopped counseling entirely. I'm at the point where I will need to start another career if I want to make money again, and would need to take classes, get training, etc., and I don't have the money to do that (hell, I just finished paying off my original student loans from college two years ago). I have a life insurance policy that is very old. I checked the laws in my state, and it would pay out even if I kill myself (I'm past the two year clause). That would fund getting my kids through college, and would cover housing for my family for at least 10 years. That's the thing that's the most tempting to me. I would stop dragging my family through my depressive episodes, and I would fund everything they want (and deserve) in life.
I'm sorry you're struggling, but you're not a failure. You're struggling to stay afloat for your family and that's very far from what "failure" means (((hugs)))
Can you tell us what you've tried to get the depression under control? Are you eligible for unemployment benefits, and/or can you look for other work? If you have a few months' cushion that gives you some time to find some new source of income, right?
Can you tell us a bit about your family and other people close to you in real life? Is there anyone supportive you can talk with, besides people on this forum?
Man, it's tough not to feel like a failure. I'm 40 years old, don't own a home, and have enough money to keep my family afloat for just 6 months. I should be able to afford things like college and fun activities for my kids, and it really hurts that I can't do it. I've tried counseling and medication, nothing was working. Since money and employment started drying up I ended both of those things. People told me I just need to find the right therapist / medication, but I don't have the money to do that right now.
I'm looking for work, but it's really tough. It's starting to look like I would need to invest in a new career training to find work, because I'm not getting anywhere in my current line of work. I work in advertising and just last year I turned 40. The ad agency world is a young person's game, and it's looking like I need to do something else to make ends meet. I feel like an idiot for thinking "it wouldn't happen to me" and not planning ahead.
I have some friends, but none that I want to burden with talk about my career and money struggles. I try to put on a brave face with my family so I don't bum them out more than I already do. Really the best gift I think I could give them is a cashout of my life insurance policy (it's old and past the two-year suicide clause). It would fund college and at least 10 years of housing. The idea of dragging them through years of my own personal shame and failure hell seems unfair to them.
