Venting I can't say who I am

[faust]

To understand this post better, it is necessary to accept the fact that everything described below is not an exaggeration and is described
as it really is.

When we meet other people, we are often interested in their lives, ask what they do, who they are. Similar questions were asked to me, and I, of course, answered them, often with a lot of details. After all, I tried a lot of things, read many books and visited many different places. However, if earlier my views often changed, as well as my interests, now I generally
cannot say who I am. Yes, I recall what I ever did and how I could characterize myself, however, statements made in the present tense will most likely relate to the past.

However, this is just a top of the iceberg. Now I constantly live with thought that past has no relations to me, as if I'm telling someone's biography and this never happened to a person who I could call myself. That's like I'm just an observer, looking out from the veil of fog and seeing someone's blurred image.
Moreover, I can't identify myself at all, because my personality is worn to dust and shapeless. For a few hours my type of thinking,
attitudes can change completely and go in an unexpected direction, as if I'm reliving the story of completely different people who do not belong to me at all, no one accounts for them and I have never seen them in my whole life.

One could assume that several personalities live in me, however, the personalities themselves have no distinguishing features at all, they are unstable and constantly changing.
Everything is so blurred that not only me who has no self-identification, but also the images that are in my head
and which have nothing to do neither with me, nor with anyone else.
To make it easier to understand, there are old radios that you need to twist in order to tune to the desired frequency.
And if the radio is broken, then it's quite possible that you will not tune and probably where the music or speech should have been,
will be just a white noise. And if everything is still not completely broken, voices and songs seem to be very far away and
almost impossible to make out due to poor sound quality. The second scenario better describes my situation -
either interference, or some subtle sounds from the radio station. And when you start tuning anew, setting everything back, a completely different song is already playing there.

I don't know what is that and whether it can be called somehow. However, there is no time left for me to solve this equation.
I do not belong anywhere and do not belong to anything.
I am lost and will never be able to answer the question - who I am...

 

[ParasiteEOT]

I can relate to your post, I struggle with my sense of self. To put it simply, it's like being asked what's your favourite colour? I'm like, I don't know, but how would you know? It's like I don't trust anything and question everything. I feel I'm on this earth to appease others, in which case I might as well be a robot!
sorry I can't help, but thought I'd just share, and that I get it.

 

[Meditation guide]

I recall what I ever did and how I could characterize myself, however, statements made in the present tense will most likely relate to the past.

I'm a senior citizen and looking back recently at old photos and yearbooks with my picture I had forgotten who I was as how I am now is nothing like I was even 5 years ago. I've lost my entire identity due to becoming old and ill. That active adventurous funny person is long gone.

 

[ParasiteEOT]

I'm in therapy at the moment trying to work on my sense of self. It's hard because I've spent years people pleasing and ignoring any of my own needs. It's like unknown territory. I look back and see my existence as a black & white movie, of which I became very good At meeting other people's needs, I suppose I became a chameleon. I said to my therapist, its like saying to a chameleon, if we took all environmental factors away that your used to blending in with, what colour would you choose to be?

 

[Soulless Angel]

I resonate with your post so much, I journal about this a lot to, I have lost my sense of self and my identity. Some people say I am one way, others say I am someone else, then there was the me I thought I was, but if others see 2 different *me's* which is the real one? I have no idea.
It actually scares me, not understanding. But I've accepted it for now

 

[agentgeez]

I can relate to that, but I don't consider it a problem, or at least a personal problem. It's not possible to describe the entirety of someone with a short description. Some people might introduce themselves with their occupation, or online they create a bio with some of their interests or personality traits, but traits on their own don't really mean anything. Even combining a number of traits doesn't really let you 'experience' that person, the description just suggests the idea of those traits that you already have in your head. So I try to not bother with describing myself and just let how I act speak for itself. I mean, there is some sort of 'continuity' to people that makes a person the same individual as they were ten years ago, even if they're a lot different. The only thing that truly distinguishes people at that point is their unique memories and history, at least that's what I believe. Anyway, I hope that the issue of identity doesn't cause you too much conflict; I feel that I'm an 'inconsistent' person in a lot of ways, so whenever I found myself unable to be something that I felt was part of me, like being funny in certain situations, I got stressed. Luckily I care less about pleasing others or playing a specific role now, though.

 

[itsmeagain]

To understand this post better, it is necessary to accept the fact that everything described below is not an exaggeration and is described
as it really is.

When we meet other people, we are often interested in their lives, ask what they do, who they are. Similar questions were asked to me, and I, of course, answered them, often with a lot of details. After all, I tried a lot of things, read many books and visited many different places. However, if earlier my views often changed, as well as my interests, now I generally
cannot say who I am. Yes, I recall what I ever did and how I could characterize myself, however, statements made in the present tense will most likely relate to the past.

However, this is just a top of the iceberg. Now I constantly live with thought that past has no relations to me, as if I'm telling someone's biography and this never happened to a person who I could call myself. That's like I'm just an observer, looking out from the veil of fog and seeing someone's blurred image.
Moreover, I can't identify myself at all, because my personality is worn to dust and shapeless. For a few hours my type of thinking,
attitudes can change completely and go in an unexpected direction, as if I'm reliving the story of completely different people who do not belong to me at all, no one accounts for them and I have never seen them in my whole life.

One could assume that several personalities live in me, however, the personalities themselves have no distinguishing features at all, they are unstable and constantly changing.
Everything is so blurred that not only me who has no self-identification, but also the images that are in my head
and which have nothing to do neither with me, nor with anyone else.
To make it easier to understand, there are old radios that you need to twist in order to tune to the desired frequency.
And if the radio is broken, then it's quite possible that you will not tune and probably where the music or speech should have been,
will be just a white noise. And if everything is still not completely broken, voices and songs seem to be very far away and
almost impossible to make out due to poor sound quality. The second scenario better describes my situation -
either interference, or some subtle sounds from the radio station. And when you start tuning anew, setting everything back, a completely different song is already playing there.

I don't know what is that and whether it can be called somehow. However, there is no time left for me to solve this equation.
I do not belong anywhere and do not belong to anything.
I am lost and will never be able to answer the question - who I am...

Faust... honey.... I'm going to miss you so much. please be careful and don't feel forced....

 

[Alucard]

We are human being. Nothing less, nothing more.