I can’t say any of this in ‘real life’

[RitaM]

Things have been stressful for a while now but I thought I was managing to stay afloat. At some point in the last few days, though, I crossed over into 'I don't want to live' territory and have felt paralysed since.

It's been months since I've had a decent night's sleep. I've been surviving on 3-5 hours, waking every hour or so, sometimes crying out or screaming for no apparent reason. I've been exploring childhood trauma in therapy which I think has unravelled me somewhat.

I am not really a lonely sort of person but the lockdowns have really highlighted just how isolated I am. I live alone, no 'support bubble', no family and seldom hear from anyone except a for couple of close friends. Normally this suits me... I don't go out of my way to form close friendships and prefer to spend most time alone. But now that there's so much emphasis on friends and family, I feel like an unloveable failure who has no place in the world.

I've withdrawn from the few people I was keeping in touch with, including my therapist. I can't bring myself to tell them how I'm really feeling. There doesn't seem to be much point.

I don't know if I'm ready to die just yet but I find myself once again putting things around my neck. I've made a mess of my life despite my best intentions to overcome the pains of my childhood.

One of the things holding me back is that I made an error in my will which has probably invalidated it. If that's the case, my estate will go to my estranged mother. I need to put this right before I think about doing anything.

I don't want it to be this way. I want to live and feel some sense of happiness. I try and try but I just can't seem to get there. And with the pandemic there is no hope of anything much on the horizon.

if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I just desperately needed to get this out somewhere.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

It sounds like you've been working hard on things. It's good to get things out.

The pandemic has highlighted a very sore point in a lot of our lives. It is difficult.
I hear you and I hold space for what you've just shared.

I wish you the best and just wanna say keep up the good work ik I'm just a rando on the forum but still wanted to reply to this.

 

[GottaGo]

Hey man, I really feel you on this. As an introvert I was happy about quarantine until I wasn't. I barely talked to anyone before quarantine but actually being forced to stay inside made something different. I guess us humans are born to be social creatures.
But to be truthful with you, I've fell into deep depression several times last year and what got me out of it every time wasn't a phone call to friends, or a walk to the park, but doing something meaningful. I've picked up drawing during quarantine and every time I make something of myself, I can be happy for days. For me, creating something from nothing is the ultimate cure for my depression.
Also with talking with others. I got up the courage and told my father couple days ago about my desire to end my own life, he didn't react very well with it. I felt bad at first, but when I calmed down and thought about it, he didn't understand my side of the story, and I didn't understand his side as well. We really can't expect others to completely understand our struggles, but the action of trying is what really matters. I felt relieved after telling him because it was my way of trying to communicate. I did my part and I have no regret . You just need to do your part then you can let a lot of things go.
Wish you can find a way that works for you man. Just remember you are not alone in this, but you are the only one who can change yourself.
Best of luck.

 

[140 bpm]

I feel you. I think I've just gave up on hopes. I've accepted that I'm alone and I've lost everything and everybody. Whole life in the past.
Sending you sunrises.

 

[timf]

If you come to the point where everything feels like an exposed nerve, it might be helpful to find a way to exert some control. It might be as simple as rereading a favorite author, binge watching a film series, or even working on a puzzle. Taking action can in a way alter one's perspective somewhat and reduce the feeling of being carried away into painfully raw emotions.

If you can regain your equilibrium and desire to expand you social connections, you then might consider volunteer work. The activity with a task at hand can make social interaction a little less intimidating.

 

[RitaM]

Thank you... that sounds wise and about all I'm capable of at the moment. I woke up feeling slightly better this morning but I'm in tears again and struggling with the feeling that I don't belong anywhere. I keep thinking about the SN in my cupboard but I don't think I'm ready to die yet because I can't think about my death without crying. I will try to ground myself this evening with some TV drama.

 

[140 bpm]

Thank you... that sounds wise and about all I'm capable of at the moment. I woke up feeling slightly better this morning but I'm in tears again and struggling with the feeling that I don't belong anywhere. I keep thinking about the SN in my cupboard but I don't think I'm ready to die yet because I can't think about my death without crying. I will try to ground myself this evening with some TV drama.

I hope your tears dried up.
Did it get better? How are you feeling today?

 

[Intotheflames]

I got you. The upside is you are here and many like minds feel like you do. I know exactly what it's like not being able to share what's in our mind.

Loneliness is tricky. I tried to fill it by being part of a group, sometimes at my own expenses, but there were times I was even more lonely in the midst of them. Then I dealt with it head first by myself and it worked until I was reminded that I was alone, then like you the loneliness hit me all at once. Paradoxically, in the end, to be not lonely I did it by cutting off the reminders, the last thing that was extrovert irl. To me it's like if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, it makes no sound.

Sorry the above sounds like rambling. It's my way to communicate, and my way to try to say that even though you thought you were alone, you are not. You have a place here.