I have tremendously given up. I haven't taken Care of myself for almost a year. I don't brush my teeth, take a shower, my hair has grow more then the "fade cut" I usually get so it's pretty long on the back of my neck and sideburns, I can't get myself to take out the trash so 1/4 of my garage has bags of trash, with dogs my entire hardwood floor is covered with dog hair along with the rest of the house, when they can't get me up in the mornings because my sleep is trash then they piss on the carpet at the front door and I haven't cleaned it, my sink is full of dirty dishes and Nats flying around, I've been eating whatever is left in my fridge and freezer because I can't get myself out the house to the store because I can't be around people, I wear the same thing for months at a time, I was put on a medical hold from work because of my psych doctor for panic attacks I started having because of an injury from work because of a supervisor at the start of the year, my backyard is full of weeds 5 feet high, my kitchen table is full of mail from the past year, IM ALONE and im suffering so fucking bad in my trauma and pain…I can't take this it hurts so bad…PLEASE STOP THIS head of mine..
All I've been doing is breathing. My head is full of "I'm going to screw it up anyways." I used to tell myself "it will get better" until that broke..I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You deserve to find some peace. Maybe a starting point is to just give yourself a moment - don't worry about clothes, garbage, pets, or anything.
Just give yourself a second or two to breathe... Decisions can come later.
I sincerely hope you can find some peace and lessen your suffering.
I'm really sorry. There are no more wins for me. Small or any other. When I hit my spin outs it's just a reminder of everything that's been done. From growing up, military, and working in a prison where the staff were more dangerous than the inmates. I've been seeing a therapist for 20 years and taking psych meds. Only thing I've learned in therapy is everyone just wants to shut you down and follow "their" rules. I havent learned how to deal with my past. I've only been taught skills to shut myself up instead of skills to take what I've been through and tear it apart piece by piece so I can learn to deal with it one section at a time. They didn't want to really hear my story. They just wanted me to follow these "skills." Thing is "I" care about my problems. Thing is I don't know how to deal with it because it will pop up in the good and bad days when I'm not ready. I'm so Sorry. I have calmed down, but it took me focusing on tv as usual so that I could drown it out…
I also want to add I am very bitter. I used to be one of the most positive people to be around. Until this world sunk its claws in. I am so bitter that sometimes kindness to me is shunned because I'm worried that someone wants something in return or they are about to hurt me the best they can. Please don't take it personal if I make it seem your help isn't appreciated. I've just been left in a place where people terrify me.
I understand. I've tried to focus on "it will get better "or this will pass", but this finally broke and I don't trust it anymore. My dogs are amazing. When I cry so hard my youngest will like my face like she is trying to dry them up and comfort me. I've also received a lot of support here and I'm thankful. Just since my will to live broke after what was the last straw happened this year I've completely lost any chances at moving forward. Now the concrete on my feet has been laid, dried, and I've been tossed into the deepest parts of the ocean.
sanctioned-suicide.net
I experienced this yesterday. I hoped something broke in there and I would not be able ot think or feel anything anymore.
Hopefully your episode has past for the moment and the TV helped calm you a little. You've been through so much that I can't pretend to comprehend. Nothing was taken personally and I just wish you some peace on your journey.
