Venting I can't live with the fact I am so privileged

[enviro400mmc]

To preface: This is not meant to be a post about how I am in fact somehow oppressed by modern society - quite the opposite. I am talking about how I have been given such favourable conditions that now it is embarrassing that I am still unable to live with myself.

I could not come from a much more fortunate background. I am a straight, white man. I come from a fairly affluent family with two loving parents and a sister I am incredibly close with. I live in one of the best cities in the world to live in in one of the best countries in the world to live in (unless finances are an issue for you, which in my case they are not). I have had a better education that 95% of people in my country. I have repeatedly had the opportunity to travel to and even live in other places. I am in good health and have no physical conditions. Indeed physically I've been ridiculously lucky; I'm not detrimentally short, my teeth are in perfectly good health despite barely touching a toothbrush for the first 18 years of my life and somehow I've managed to have the appetite of a bear yet be as slim as spaghetti without doing a particularly large amount of exercise. I have been fortunate enough for my parents to pile thousands of pounds into medical professionals who care for my mental health, and I am, at least according to them, neurotypical. It's fair to say I can feel like a bit of an outsider on here compared to most people who have had to deal with genuine adversity. And perhaps amusingly, I am also fortunate enough to have been able to get hold of SN with little difficulty.

And yet here I am, in an embarrassingly bad state. I have been a needlessly anxious and depressed wreck since practically before I was sentient. I have infallibly fouind a reason to be unhappy and negative even in the most fortunate of circumstances.The "adversity" which eventually turned me from a generally unhappy person to a rotting piece of suicidal flesh was so minor and commonplace it would barely be something most people remember - indeed I am embarassed to even talk about it on here, or anywhere else really. I really can't live with the fact that I've wasted my entire youth, which I will never get back, in misery despite everything being put on a plate for me. At this point I feel embarassed to do anything that shows my miserable existence to the world. I can't make friends or keep particularly close contact with anyone because it is just offputting and depressing to listen to the way I have chucked away my own life for no reason. It is utterly humiliating that I have let nothing but my own mind and minor setbacks prevent myself from being the successful person that I would otherwise be perfectly of being and really ought to be.

It also causes problems with my suicide. For a start, having the most amazing family I feel so bad for having to leave them. So many kids grow up with horrible, abusive parents but get through it and succeed in life (or are at least content) and yet my parents are always going to have to live with the guilt and feeling of failure of their child being the one who ended their own life. Look no further than my sister, who is happy and about to become incredibly successful (at least if she can cope with my CTB), for proof of what my parents deserve to have brought up. Furthermore, with no obvious illness or other adversity to blame my suicide on, I feel like my family will end up turning my suicide into a SaSu/SN scapegoat, which is complete bullshit and quite contrary to my wishes of being peacefully forgotten.

 

[Obliviate]

Well, it's nice to see a white privileged male to atleast admit and accept that they have had a silver spoon and immense good luck. Despite having all that, it doesn't guarantee happiness and fulfillment.

Atleast you see the world for what it is and don't immediately call underprivileged people who have had inhumane problems their entire life "lazy" or saying "just work harder" when society and the system is broken and disgusting.

As a person who has had the opposite life style as you, unless you have done horrible wrong things, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or bad that you weren't abused or poor. You lived a life that a human should live. Humans were not meant to suffer this much and yet here we are. That's why we call it inhumane. I atleast wished more privilege people would help those less fortunate.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I know what you mean, I have genuine reasons to wanna CTB now (about 5 reasons) but growing up I was always depressed even though I had a great life. I always knew I was lucky to have everything I did but I hated being me and just life in general. Now I've fucked it up royally anyway but it all stemmed from childhood. I didn't realise it was possible for children to be depressed, but I've literally never known any different.

 

[Zegers]

Maybe you overestimate your luck, being born in a country that is not at war is not extraordinary and having some wealth is not extraordinary and if you have depression and anxiety, well, any of your neighbours who don't have it is luckier than you.

 

[Aisley]

I feel almost obliged to ask, why do you want to die? Also, I'm jealous of your username.

 

[conflagration]

Mental health problems is probably the worst shit you can get in the roulette of life. It is probably better to be physically crippled than to deal with mental illness, as people with physical disabilities often have mental resources to cope with their adversities. Mental illness takes away those resources, and then even normal life becomes a nightmare.
So you are much less privileged than you think.

 

[Stoldy]

The brain can be your own worst enemy, and privilege doesn't instantly guarantee a better life. I do hope you can find inner peace, and succeed in your wishes... Best of luck.

 

[charlotte_]

From what you say, yes, you are privileged. But that doesn't mean you can't have problems. Everyone probably go through mental illnesses at some point of life, and it is totally normal considering how hard life could be. Everyone's situation is different, you don't have to compare your feelings to others. As long as it's hurting you, in this case, to the point you want to CTB, then it's valid. And you don't have to feel ashamed for that.
I don't know your situation clearly, but if you still want to change and be successful, then you must stop comparing yourself to others, not even to your sister. Doing that does nothing but burdening you down. Everyone has struggles and navigates life differently, so you can prioritize your own path and not care what others are doing. You can't dwell on your past, but you can change the present. I'm not guaranteeing you that everything's gonna work out, there's definitely gonna be setbacks and you might give up at some point but if you do want to change, then that's the first step you must take. Anyway, I hope you the best with whatever path you choose

 

[Rob1984]

I have been a needlessly anxious and depressed wreck since practically before I was sentient

I would not call this coming from a very "fortunate background." Despite everything you have or were given, you are suffering and want to die. There are millions of people who have a lot less than you, but would not trade places with you because your mental health is poorer than theirs. What is the point of having all of your privileges if you don't have the mental health to enjoy them?

When people say things like "I wish I was in your situation because I lack most of those privileges", they are not taking into consideration that to switch places with you is not only to obtain your privileges, but to also obtain your poor mental health. People think of it like THEY will be switching places with you, as in their own mind will be staying with them as they do the switch, but that would not be truly switching places. It's basically cherry picking the good things you have, and leaving out the bad. Hopefully this makes sense (I'm a little tired as I type this).

The point is: somebody can have what seems like a perfect life on the surface, but still be suffering inside. Humans are very complex creatures, and there are a lot of reasons why somebody would be suffering. A lot of the things you mentioned are nice priveleges to have, but they definitely do not guarantee happiness. One) you are proof of that and two) lots of people don't have most of what you have mentioned, and yet they are much happier than you and have no desire to die any time soon.

 

[todienomore]

Stop ruminating about the past, no one cares. You shouldnt care. Just live in the present. The past doesnt exist.

 

[sadsadsack]

i identify with you, OP, and your story so, so much.

 

[enviro400mmc]

I feel almost obliged to ask, why do you want to die? Also, I'm jealous of your username.

What do you mean by jealous? As in would you like to have it?

 

[Aisley]

No. I'm stupid. Lol, I thought it was #1 cake123 fanboy. But I see now. Just illiterate sometimes :\

 

[enviro400mmc]

No. I'm stupid. Lol, I thought it was #1 cake123 fanboy. But I see now. Just illiterate sometimes :\

Ahahaha no worries it can be a bit confusing with the colours and stuff.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that one doesn't have to be trapped in the most awful circumstances for their suffering and wish to die to be valid, it isn't like anyone is obligated to be stay here and be grateful for what they have when after all, they were forced to exist in the first place. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[unnormal9]

Stop ruminating about the past, no one cares. You shouldnt care. Just live in the present. The past doesnt exist.

Show some compassion for once.

 

[todienomore]

What I'm trying to say is his "embarassment" and "humiliation" is all in his own head, that no one really cares in-real-life, not that no one cares here. Challenge your patterns and illusions.

You might consider working with Jungian therapists, this couple is from the UK. I think if you even read a page of Jung youll be astounded.

https://www.youtube.com/@JungToLiveBy/videos

 

[freevoid]

You may be priveleged in so many ways, but you are obviously not priveleged with mental health. Which is in my opinion, the most disabling affliction to have because someone with good mental health can overcome (or live with) all sorts of fuckery for some time. But you can have all the money, opportunities and physical health in the world and it means absolutely nothing without mental health.

 

[LateForTheBus]

You have a great amount of self awareness, but please don't compare yourself to others. No matter the circumstances, everyone's pain is valid. As others have said, your physical circumstances are obviously better than a lot of people's, but your mental/emotional ones are not. Your suffering means just as much as the next person's. (Hugs)

 

[Pengu]

To preface: This is not meant to be a post about how I am in fact somehow oppressed by modern society - quite the opposite. I am talking about how I have been given such favourable conditions that now it is embarrassing that I am still unable to live with myself.

I could not come from a much more fortunate background. I am a straight, white man. I come from a fairly affluent family with two loving parents and a sister I am incredibly close with. I live in one of the best cities in the world to live in in one of the best countries in the world to live in (unless finances are an issue for you, which in my case they are not). I have had a better education that 95% of people in my country. I have repeatedly had the opportunity to travel to and even live in other places. I am in good health and have no physical conditions. Indeed physically I've been ridiculously lucky; I'm not detrimentally short, my teeth are in perfectly good health despite barely touching a toothbrush for the first 18 years of my life and somehow I've managed to have the appetite of a bear yet be as slim as spaghetti without doing a particularly large amount of exercise. I have been fortunate enough for my parents to pile thousands of pounds into medical professionals who care for my mental health, and I am, at least according to them, neurotypical. It's fair to say I can feel like a bit of an outsider on here compared to most people who have had to deal with genuine adversity. And perhaps amusingly, I am also fortunate enough to have been able to get hold of SN with little difficulty.

And yet here I am, in an embarrassingly bad state. I have been a needlessly anxious and depressed wreck since practically before I was sentient. I have infallibly fouind a reason to be unhappy and negative even in the most fortunate of circumstances.The "adversity" which eventually turned me from a generally unhappy person to a rotting piece of suicidal flesh was so minor and commonplace it would barely be something most people remember - indeed I am embarassed to even talk about it on here, or anywhere else really. I really can't live with the fact that I've wasted my entire youth, which I will never get back, in misery despite everything being put on a plate for me. At this point I feel embarassed to do anything that shows my miserable existence to the world. I can't make friends or keep particularly close contact with anyone because it is just offputting and depressing to listen to the way I have chucked away my own life for no reason. It is utterly humiliating that I have let nothing but my own mind and minor setbacks prevent myself from being the successful person that I would otherwise be perfectly of being and really ought to be.

It also causes problems with my suicide. For a start, having the most amazing family I feel so bad for having to leave them. So many kids grow up with horrible, abusive parents but get through it and succeed in life (or are at least content) and yet my parents are always going to have to live with the guilt and feeling of failure of their child being the one who ended their own life. Look no further than my sister, who is happy and about to become incredibly successful (at least if she can cope with my CTB), for proof of what my parents deserve to have brought up. Furthermore, with no obvious illness or other adversity to blame my suicide on, I feel like my family will end up turning my suicide into a SaSu/SN scapegoat, which is complete bullshit and quite contrary to my wishes of being peacefully forgotten.

Anyone can get depressed and it's not your fault. It's the chemical imbalance in your brain which is causing u to feel this way. Since u are financially stable u should get a brain map done. U will get to know exactly which part of your brain is not working properly and u can also go for rtms sessions, they helped me alot. Also get psychotherapy and talk to your doctor. I don't relate to you in anyway so all I can give u is support and a hug :)
Gl and don't give up!

 

[enviro400mmc]

Hi everyone, thank you all for the support and kind words, it is really comforting to me and I appreciate it a lot. There are a few common kinds of comments that have been left that I want to respond to.

if you have depression and anxiety

Mental health problems is probably the worst shit you can get in the roulette of life.

your mental health is poorer than theirs

It's the chemical imbalance in your brain which is causing u to feel this way.

This is something I (and it seems anyone I have ever attempted to seek help from) really struggle to get my head around. As I've said before every professional (and indeed person) I ever seem to have spoken seems to be pretty certain that I am neurotypical. So if my current mental state can be blamed neither on misfortune in my nature nor my nurture what is at fault? How have I come to be in the situation I am in? It feels like there is little explanation beyond me just being an incompetent, ungrateful, miserable person. It's difficult to live with the fact I have caused irreparable damage to my own life and likely will carry on doing so.

then you must stop comparing yourself to others

please don't compare yourself to others

Yeah obviously I hear this fairly often and it is easier said than done but I also think that ultimately how I compare myself to others is not really the issue here. Thing is, you might not necessarily get this impression from the post I made but in some ways I actually have a really strong ego, quite a lot of self-confidence. I feel like I have a lot of beliefs and opinions I hold very strongly and stubbornly and I think the fact I can't reconcile being who I am with actually living a happy and fulfilling life is part of the reason I am so depressed all the time.

What I would say is that I do definitely care a lot about what other people think of me and how I am valued by others. And definitely a lot of my current anhedonia and general disillusionment with life comes from repeated isolation, difficulty making friends, fitting in etc. But (and this is almost a perfect example of what I say above) this is not something I really feel prepared to change about myself or how I think, obviously you have to be reasonable and not get hung up over how every individual sees you but I feel like I (or at least older me back when I actually cared about things) am within reason to be unhappy if I don't feel like I can fit into social circles or have friends or much of a life, particularly when I was a teenager and living through years and a general time in my life that I am never going to get the opportunity to experience again.

Thank you everyone again for your support and comments, I really appreciate it.

 

[Rocket]

One lucky thing about your life and compassionate understanding is that you have the ability to use your background to help others. It can be in small ways, but it's rewarding. I understand perfectly about your story and found that helping others helped me just as much if not more. Someone mentioned that while on the outside things can seem great, everyone is different and it's the inside that matters. Give no space to guilt, it is what it is. I hope you consider ways to help people not as fortunate and use that as a way to grow and maybe heal some. Love and blessings to you.

 

[bluville]

I think there's probably a reason your depressed you're just not aware of it. Like with the friend thing, i would suggest figuring out what's happening to push people away. Unironically, you're like the perfect person for therapy. If you're life really is going that well financially, then fixing your mindset and gaining self awareness is probably what you need. Takes a while to find a compatible therapist though so don't give up on the first few tries

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Your pain is just as valid as anyone else's. Health problems, whether they be mental or physical, don't discriminate. They can happen to anyone, no matter if you're rich or poor, what country you're born in, the amount of love you're given, or any other socioeconomic factors.

While it's true that one is probably more likely to be suicidal if you come from one of the more disadvantaged or marginalised demographics, that doesn't mean that those with privledges cannot be affected by these feelings and urges too. After all, there are many celebrities who have struggled with ideation for years, have fallen into drug addictions and other vices to cope with their mental pain, and even many who ctb in the end anyway, despite having wealth, status, and resources beyond the average person's wildest dreams.

The brain is a complex and intricate organ which is barely understood, we still do not know exactly what causes someone to be suicidal at a molecular level, and unfortunately this gap in knowledge has created a cultural impass wherein people think every thought, feeling, and behaviour is within our conscious control, and if we compare ourselves to others and what we have/don't have, that the guilt of being more fortunate than someone else can motivate us to change that mental suffering- because if a starving orphan in Africa can be happy, surely someone from a privledged rich, western upbringing could be, right? Reality is not as simple as that view.

You should not feel guilty for hurting, especially because these issues started in childhood and you have been trying to make sense of this your whole lifr. Childhood-onset mental health problems are poorly understood and not very well researched, and a young child has no concept of privilege. It isn't your fault that you're in pain, not one bit, and you should not feel guilty for what is clearly a clinical, biological problem.

 

[Zegers]

Will Smith said "We spend money, on things we don't need, to impress people who don't care" it's more important to have family and quality connections than material things, I'd trade places with you anyway because you have a nice family. Best wishes.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Ashamed of good luck? Wow. You're undeserving of the bounty blessed to you by your ancestors who built up a fortune. The bad luck of others is not your problem. Don't buy into the modern political guilt trip. You're not responsible unless your family are robber barons.

 

[Gaga786]

This post resonates with me very deeply; I, too, deal with the same scenario. I am fortunate enough to be born to a rich family with 2 loving sisters and their children, who are like my younger siblings because of our small age gap. My parents love me very deeply as I am very pampered–atleast now they do unlike in the past– by them. However, no matter what, I had a broken past plagued with bullying, abuse,neglect. I wish to CTB due to it which failed to provide me fundamentals to base my future on. I feel like I am not meant for this life at all; there's no reason for such a person like me to survive in such a cruel, harsh, and callous world. I must concede that no matter how privileged I am, I still feel absolutely deplorable and in pain.
Im sorry for your suffering, and I really hope you find the inner peace that you deserve. Take care of yourself!

 

[Jezzibell]

Your post was very interesting. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.

People who are self aware and empathetic are often more troubled from being over analytical of themselves.

This is nothing to do with privilege. Society has over egged this bucket and have passed guilt on to anyone born in your circumstances. It's wrong. And so what? Your parents are successful, they gavevyou a good education which you clearly appreciate.

It just boils down to guilt from feeling you have no right to feel suicidal and you should be making more of an effort to take advantage of your education and what you call privilege - your parents provided a stable and loving environment to grow up in, your siblings care and are progressing. Its about conforming to society values. You do have a choice in this respect

NONE of this matters at all. Rich or poor, clever or not, you are human. Don't associate your depression with your environment. Look inside you and only concentrate on whether you want to seek therapy or you just don't want to carry on. Nothing else matters.

 

[excelsior]

You don't need to feel guilty for being given these supposed advantages. You've probably been through many things that other people haven't been through. You're still hurting and your feelings are always valid, even when it seems otherwise. There are people who have none of what you have and will lead far happier lives than you. I appreciate where you're coming from, but I wish you would show yourself some grace.

What I would say is that I do definitely care a lot about what other people think of me and how I am valued by others.

Forgive me if I can't say this, but it's likely that you might have some developmental trauma. Trauma within the first six months of your life can cause codependency.