a_carbon_based_life
I AM TIRED AND IN PAIN
- Aug 16, 2023
- 46
so summary of my is im 20, trans, have 5 diagnosed mental illnesses currently as well as having had psychotic episodes and dissociative amnesia in the past, my dads like conspiratorially alt right, hes like an apocalypse prepper and shit and my mom is the product of inc*st like, her parents are first cousins, so i was like born fucked. not to mention she actively tried to keep me from getting medical attention for my heart beating incorrectly and has tried to convince me to kill myself.
in addition to all that fun stuff, i had to drop out of high school because no one took my ptsd from being beaten and emotionally abused by my elementary school teachers seriously , which left me to having panic attacks every time i went into a school building for years and eventually led me to having my first psychotic break at 15. ive never fully recovered enough from that to hold a job so im stuck with my psycho parents. my extended family knows about my situation and have told me im too harsh on my parents and lack empathy, ive tried contacted rehousing programs and had therpists from mental hospitals try to contavt them for me and no luck.
after my phsychotic episode i was too afriad to regulalry leave my house until i was 18, the firts person i met who was willing to go outside with me so iwouldnt have to be completley alone was someone who was only interested in me because i was as young as he could find while it still being technically legal. his words. a couple months later a met another trans person who was my age and thought i was falling in love. i was so used to abuse i didnt see the red flags, like how when she grabbed my hand in the theater the first time we met, and put on her crotch without asking he first that it was technically assault, that when she told me in the car while driving me back home that she hid to wipe her social media presence because in of her ex's "falsely accused her of rape" and went on about how truaamtized she was because of that, that she was emotionally manipulating me and grooming me to not see what she was doing as clearly, that when she id tell her i didnt want to do anything and shed wait until i was dropped off at her house, 1.5 hours away from mine, relying on her for a ride back, and would start scilently dry H8mping me until i caved that that was coersion, that when i tapped her on her leg to get her to stop like she told me and refused to get off until i panicked and bit her that i ws rape, etc etc. she was why i developed dissasocaivte amnesia, i didnt fully remember everything she did until like 6 months after we met in person for the last time. when i started tring to enforce my boundaries more she started loosing interest but i couldnt see the correlation at the time. i just saw that she went from wanting me over twice a week and texting every day from telling me she was too tired and sick nd going days without responding and when i asked her about that she said she felt like we didnt have much in common and said she didnt feel like it was working out anymore. i started going insane again after that, i think i wouldve rather died at the time than admit to myself that i spent 3 years dragging myself up from being so depressed my naisl started breaking from being too depressed to eat for so long just to have the firtst persom that made me feel like maybe things were going to be alright use me and then toss me aside. this is where i get into the things that i still cant forgive myself for.
so after she said she didnt know staying friends was bets i asked her to block me because i felt like i was gonna go on a rant and it wouldnt be fair to her )i meant about how like she was the first new person i trusted in 6 years and she lost interest within two months, not like cursing her out, but i didnt specify that) and she apologized and did but we were still friends on steam so i reached out after a week or so and asked if taking a break was fine instead and if i could just take some time to process everything and she said i did nothing wrong and had nothing to apologize for and to take as much time as i needed. so i came back like a month later and asked how she was doing and she was only giving one word responses and not asking any follow up questions so i asked if she actually wanted to talk and she said no that she just wasnt feeling well and it had nothing to do with me and then unfreinded me and i tried to send a friend request and then she blocked me. a couple months later i got a notification on tiktok saying that she viewed my account so i made a new discord account to ask her if shed be willing to talk again (which i really shouldnve done) but she said that it was fine and that shed talk to me again when she was feeling better so two more months go by and i send her a picture of my snail eggs hatching and say, you dont have to respond to this if you dont want, i just wanted to share this with you, and then she blocks me with no explanation. for context at this time i was working with an emdr therapist who ended up retraumatizing me. i went in almost every session saying i felt like my ex betrayed me over and over not having the knowledge or mental space to elaborate anymore than that and she never asked about it or tried to help me process it and just kept telling me i needed to move on and saying it felt like i didnt really want to get better and that i was holding onto the past.as the emdr sessions continues, i started having nightmares about my ex where i would wake up screaming and she still didnt ask about it, she also tried to get me to use a tens unit on my head and this entire thing put me in an almost constant state of panic for like 2 months. so when i saw my ex blocked me with not explanation i had a full blown panic attach and made a new account and spammed her with friend requests and she said "leave me alone youre really weirding me out and i dont want you in my life right now". and given that she had already changed her mind a few times i didnt know how to take the "right now" part and given that ive genuinley had friends who took months off for mental health reasons i didnt really see it as an impossibility? acouple days after i found someone who somewhat reminded me of her on a dating app and said hi but they didnt seem interested after a while so i left them alone but i feel like that wasnt the healthiest choice,then theres also the psychosis aspect, that my brain kept trying to tell me that she could somehow read my thoughts and i kept getting those shitty tarot videos saying "you ex secretly wants you to get back together but theyre too afraid to say anything" and shit like that which, when youre already going insane and getting mixed signals DOES NOT HELP. so like 2 more months go by and i get a tik tok for how to do a love spell and had recently read a book on magic that had like, a whole chapter on how you cant make people do things against their will with migick (which i only within the last year found out is apparently not the only or main school of thought for that) and then i decided that since i was still a little unsurfe about weather or not she was just genuinley not feeling well id look at her tik tok account where she handt blocked me and not do anything, just look so it technicallyw asnt contacting her, and then she blocked me again and i lost my shit again and made like 5 accounts but that was like a little over a week before my dissacosiatve amnesia faded away and i rememebred that she fully r*ped me so i feel like that was my brains way of trying to make sense of everything? and afterwards i started like compulsivley looking her up since she said she had an ex publicly accuse her. i looked up some things im not proud of, like briefly went through her follower list somwhere, i didnt contact any of them or anything, and i looked up if you can still call someone after theyd blocked you on discord even though i didnt actually do it. me trying to find information about her ended with me looking up her name on the s*x offender registry which i think is proof that it was about that moer thn trying to scare her or force a relationship. and a while ago i found a tiktoker who reminded me of her but i felt like something was off so i followed her for a while to see if anything happened and then she ended up having a giant mental breakdown online where it showed she wasnt really who she said she was and then i unfollowed her after that when i felt like i got the info i needed, and felt like it helped me beable to trust i wouldnt fall for someone like them as easily in the future but part of my brain is worried that maybe i did it to try and keep tabs on my ex by proxy? idk
its been alomst 2 years now and i dont think im ever really gonna regain my self respect or forgive myself, ive talked to like, teams of mental health professionals about it at this point and i still cry myself to sleep over what it did? i tried texting 988 yesterday and gave them a breif explanation, didnt mention i was suicidal, and they really didnt know what to say, im pretty sure they copy pasted from chat gpt at one point. theyre advice kind of boiled down to "well maybe youll feel better if you take a shower and chaneg into some comfortable clothes" like thanks but thats not gona change the fact that im an abusive stalker and the kid of a N*zi ?!?! idk i know this is long and most likley no ones gonna read it but idk. ive had a few therapists say they think my ex was intentionally baiting me into doing what i did so shed have an alibi if i tried to take her to court but idk if i buy that. she was also like fully aware of how bac my parents are. also side tangent but my dad indirectly threatendd to stab on of our neighbors when we were walkingmy dog because his dogs were off a leash, like i cant even walk around my own fucking neighborhood without having to battle the feelings that i dont desevre to be seen in public and then having to try and babysit my parents. idk, theres wild hemlock that grows in my neighborhood, ive been looking up what they use for lethal injectiosn and seeing if thats a realistic option, i know sodium nitrite is like *the thing* here but that sounds so uncomfortable. but idk maybe i deserve to die in pain after everything ive done?
in addition to all that fun stuff, i had to drop out of high school because no one took my ptsd from being beaten and emotionally abused by my elementary school teachers seriously , which left me to having panic attacks every time i went into a school building for years and eventually led me to having my first psychotic break at 15. ive never fully recovered enough from that to hold a job so im stuck with my psycho parents. my extended family knows about my situation and have told me im too harsh on my parents and lack empathy, ive tried contacted rehousing programs and had therpists from mental hospitals try to contavt them for me and no luck.
after my phsychotic episode i was too afriad to regulalry leave my house until i was 18, the firts person i met who was willing to go outside with me so iwouldnt have to be completley alone was someone who was only interested in me because i was as young as he could find while it still being technically legal. his words. a couple months later a met another trans person who was my age and thought i was falling in love. i was so used to abuse i didnt see the red flags, like how when she grabbed my hand in the theater the first time we met, and put on her crotch without asking he first that it was technically assault, that when she told me in the car while driving me back home that she hid to wipe her social media presence because in of her ex's "falsely accused her of rape" and went on about how truaamtized she was because of that, that she was emotionally manipulating me and grooming me to not see what she was doing as clearly, that when she id tell her i didnt want to do anything and shed wait until i was dropped off at her house, 1.5 hours away from mine, relying on her for a ride back, and would start scilently dry H8mping me until i caved that that was coersion, that when i tapped her on her leg to get her to stop like she told me and refused to get off until i panicked and bit her that i ws rape, etc etc. she was why i developed dissasocaivte amnesia, i didnt fully remember everything she did until like 6 months after we met in person for the last time. when i started tring to enforce my boundaries more she started loosing interest but i couldnt see the correlation at the time. i just saw that she went from wanting me over twice a week and texting every day from telling me she was too tired and sick nd going days without responding and when i asked her about that she said she felt like we didnt have much in common and said she didnt feel like it was working out anymore. i started going insane again after that, i think i wouldve rather died at the time than admit to myself that i spent 3 years dragging myself up from being so depressed my naisl started breaking from being too depressed to eat for so long just to have the firtst persom that made me feel like maybe things were going to be alright use me and then toss me aside. this is where i get into the things that i still cant forgive myself for.
so after she said she didnt know staying friends was bets i asked her to block me because i felt like i was gonna go on a rant and it wouldnt be fair to her )i meant about how like she was the first new person i trusted in 6 years and she lost interest within two months, not like cursing her out, but i didnt specify that) and she apologized and did but we were still friends on steam so i reached out after a week or so and asked if taking a break was fine instead and if i could just take some time to process everything and she said i did nothing wrong and had nothing to apologize for and to take as much time as i needed. so i came back like a month later and asked how she was doing and she was only giving one word responses and not asking any follow up questions so i asked if she actually wanted to talk and she said no that she just wasnt feeling well and it had nothing to do with me and then unfreinded me and i tried to send a friend request and then she blocked me. a couple months later i got a notification on tiktok saying that she viewed my account so i made a new discord account to ask her if shed be willing to talk again (which i really shouldnve done) but she said that it was fine and that shed talk to me again when she was feeling better so two more months go by and i send her a picture of my snail eggs hatching and say, you dont have to respond to this if you dont want, i just wanted to share this with you, and then she blocks me with no explanation. for context at this time i was working with an emdr therapist who ended up retraumatizing me. i went in almost every session saying i felt like my ex betrayed me over and over not having the knowledge or mental space to elaborate anymore than that and she never asked about it or tried to help me process it and just kept telling me i needed to move on and saying it felt like i didnt really want to get better and that i was holding onto the past.as the emdr sessions continues, i started having nightmares about my ex where i would wake up screaming and she still didnt ask about it, she also tried to get me to use a tens unit on my head and this entire thing put me in an almost constant state of panic for like 2 months. so when i saw my ex blocked me with not explanation i had a full blown panic attach and made a new account and spammed her with friend requests and she said "leave me alone youre really weirding me out and i dont want you in my life right now". and given that she had already changed her mind a few times i didnt know how to take the "right now" part and given that ive genuinley had friends who took months off for mental health reasons i didnt really see it as an impossibility? acouple days after i found someone who somewhat reminded me of her on a dating app and said hi but they didnt seem interested after a while so i left them alone but i feel like that wasnt the healthiest choice,then theres also the psychosis aspect, that my brain kept trying to tell me that she could somehow read my thoughts and i kept getting those shitty tarot videos saying "you ex secretly wants you to get back together but theyre too afraid to say anything" and shit like that which, when youre already going insane and getting mixed signals DOES NOT HELP. so like 2 more months go by and i get a tik tok for how to do a love spell and had recently read a book on magic that had like, a whole chapter on how you cant make people do things against their will with migick (which i only within the last year found out is apparently not the only or main school of thought for that) and then i decided that since i was still a little unsurfe about weather or not she was just genuinley not feeling well id look at her tik tok account where she handt blocked me and not do anything, just look so it technicallyw asnt contacting her, and then she blocked me again and i lost my shit again and made like 5 accounts but that was like a little over a week before my dissacosiatve amnesia faded away and i rememebred that she fully r*ped me so i feel like that was my brains way of trying to make sense of everything? and afterwards i started like compulsivley looking her up since she said she had an ex publicly accuse her. i looked up some things im not proud of, like briefly went through her follower list somwhere, i didnt contact any of them or anything, and i looked up if you can still call someone after theyd blocked you on discord even though i didnt actually do it. me trying to find information about her ended with me looking up her name on the s*x offender registry which i think is proof that it was about that moer thn trying to scare her or force a relationship. and a while ago i found a tiktoker who reminded me of her but i felt like something was off so i followed her for a while to see if anything happened and then she ended up having a giant mental breakdown online where it showed she wasnt really who she said she was and then i unfollowed her after that when i felt like i got the info i needed, and felt like it helped me beable to trust i wouldnt fall for someone like them as easily in the future but part of my brain is worried that maybe i did it to try and keep tabs on my ex by proxy? idk
its been alomst 2 years now and i dont think im ever really gonna regain my self respect or forgive myself, ive talked to like, teams of mental health professionals about it at this point and i still cry myself to sleep over what it did? i tried texting 988 yesterday and gave them a breif explanation, didnt mention i was suicidal, and they really didnt know what to say, im pretty sure they copy pasted from chat gpt at one point. theyre advice kind of boiled down to "well maybe youll feel better if you take a shower and chaneg into some comfortable clothes" like thanks but thats not gona change the fact that im an abusive stalker and the kid of a N*zi ?!?! idk i know this is long and most likley no ones gonna read it but idk. ive had a few therapists say they think my ex was intentionally baiting me into doing what i did so shed have an alibi if i tried to take her to court but idk if i buy that. she was also like fully aware of how bac my parents are. also side tangent but my dad indirectly threatendd to stab on of our neighbors when we were walkingmy dog because his dogs were off a leash, like i cant even walk around my own fucking neighborhood without having to battle the feelings that i dont desevre to be seen in public and then having to try and babysit my parents. idk, theres wild hemlock that grows in my neighborhood, ive been looking up what they use for lethal injectiosn and seeing if thats a realistic option, i know sodium nitrite is like *the thing* here but that sounds so uncomfortable. but idk maybe i deserve to die in pain after everything ive done?
