Venting I can't live for myself

[PaperGodzilla]

Idk how to start this post because i can't really focus in these times.
I left my girlfriend like one week ago because i'm unable to bond with her anymore, I feel 90% of the time like an empty shell, i dedicate most of the time avoiding my emotions.
I need to avoid my emotions almost all the time because I developped social anxiety those last years but it is becoming unbearable. For example i have to repair my bike because i use it to go to work and it is like one the few thing i enjoy doing outside of my house but i can't do it because i am to scared to go to the repair shop.
So i go by bus but it trigger my anxiety as if it is like one minute late I'm like "oh fuck, I'm late, they will fire me omg" . I'm feeling too numb to do almost anything, i just go to work and sleep, and lose myself in the internet as i can't even focus on a game or a show. Everytime the idea of going to work just paralyse me and I'm stuck between "fuck I'm not in the mood to do anything" and "gotta distract myself by every means to avoid thinking about this" and It almost always ends up having insomnia the day before work, I'm going exhausted and i sleep when i'm back home.
I wonder how many time I can do this because I can't figure out a reason to live for myself, I'm alive mostly to not make sad one of my friends who i visit often or she comes visit me to play video games and chill and i also don't want to make my ex sad as i'm trying to keep in touch with her with some distance, as things did not end up that bad and she understands me (also we were close friends before dating and i want things to go back that way)
The thing is I can't live in the present, neither in the future because i can't look ahead in the future because of my anxiety, as It has always ruined my life. Because of it school was a nightmare for me, even if i had good grades, and the idea of working all my life, to 62/65 yo just make me want to kill myself, as i can't see myself working and enjoying it, or just even tolerate it, as it make me very sick. I'm lost and i need help but can't even call a therapist.
Sorry for those who struggle to read me as I'm french and improving in English. Weirdly it is easier for me to express how i feel in a foreign language lmao

 

[FuneralCry]

I also have lots of dread for the future and I know that it can be awful. I am also horrified by the idea of working, humans are just slaves to the society, we are forced to exist and we have all these pressures and expectations placed on us. To me, life is just meaningless suffering. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I understand that it is hard to carry on when everything seems hopeless. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I can relate with a lot of this, I'm currently in such a limbo where I mostly work and sleep, but I dislike working, and there's not much in the future that makes me want to keep going, especially not the thought of keeping up this current life as I have it. I even bike to work as well. For that could any friends or family help to fix your bike? Or do you have any tools to look up how to fix it yourself? Of course I don't know the details there and it might just be impossible to fix it yourself and I'm sorry if that's the case as I also have social anxiety so I know how tough that makes everything. I only ever leave the house for work now or in the most desperate times usually just to get alcohol.

I'm very lost too and wish I had the answer for both of us (and anyone else who feels this way) of what's the right thing to do. I've toyed with the idea if another type of life would actually be sustainable and could help, but my mental issues are such I don't really have much hope. Perhaps you can think on that as well - if there's any course of life you would like to try living aside from your current one. It's amazing you have some people to hang out with and I hope you're able to spend lots of time with them. To me, having others can be both a blessing and a curse since it does make it harder to leave, but if we're here anyways we might as well try to indulge in some things that make existence slightly more tolerable. Could you ever talk to your friends about what you're going through? I think opening up on this site can be a good step since it's slightly less pressure being able to be "heard" anywhere. Welcome to these forums btw.

These are all just thoughts though and I can flipflop a lot so just take from them whatever you'd like. I'm very lost and haven't the faintest clue what to do either. I do think I'm living for others or even just to not inconvenience my works, but more so than that getting rid of myself is just incredibly hard and I'm so tired to try and wish it wouldn't be painful. I really do hope you can spend more time with your friends. I only really have online friends but they've made some of my time so much better at least.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.