floating_cloud
fading
- May 30, 2024
- 40
My entire life, I've never known what it's like to be part of a normal, functioning family. Our household was a constant battleground filled with fights and yelling. My siblings, my mother, and I were treated like servants by my father. On top of that, our family was extremely religious, with rigid values that dominated our lives.
I've always believed I was the cause of all the conflict. If I hadn't been born, my mom might have left my narcissistic father. If I had been more religious and never left it, my parents might not have abused me. If I had been a better sibling, my brothers and sisters wouldn't have had to suffer the consequences of my parents' failures.
I moved out for university, hoping to escape all of that. Yet, even though I'm physically away, I still feel overwhelmed and unable to continue. I've tried picking up hobbies and finding ways to improve my life, but nothing seems to help. I'm still so tired, and I can't envision a future for myself. I just want it all to end.
Every day, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations and guilt. It's like there's a weight on my chest that I can't shake off. I hear my father's voice in my head, telling me I'm worthless and will never amount to anything. The constant criticism and belittling have made me doubt every move I make.
I've never felt truly loved or accepted. My parents made me feel like I was a burden, like my existence was a mistake. They never supported my dreams or interests; instead, they crushed them, telling me I was foolish for even trying. Every hobby I wanted to pursue was shot down. I loved art, but they told me I needed to focus on school. I wanted to swim, but they said a girl shouldn't show her body. I was interested in judo, but they insisted it was too boyish. The emotional scars run deep, and no matter how hard I try to heal, the pain is always there.
All my childhood, all I did was try to survive and make my parents proud. I don't even know what my own personality is or what I want in life because I've never lived for myself. I've only ever lived for my parents and my family.
I struggle to connect with others because I fear they'll see the broken person I am inside. I'm always anxious, always second-guessing myself. I can't shake the feeling that I'm fundamentally flawed, that no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough.
Even though I've escaped the physical environment, the mental torment follows me everywhere. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the constant feeling of inadequacy – they never leave me. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of despair, and I don't know how to break free.
I just want the pain to stop. I want to find peace, but it seems so far out of reach. Every day is a struggle to keep going, to find a reason to stay alive. I feel so alone, so misunderstood. I just want it all to end.
I've always believed I was the cause of all the conflict. If I hadn't been born, my mom might have left my narcissistic father. If I had been more religious and never left it, my parents might not have abused me. If I had been a better sibling, my brothers and sisters wouldn't have had to suffer the consequences of my parents' failures.
I moved out for university, hoping to escape all of that. Yet, even though I'm physically away, I still feel overwhelmed and unable to continue. I've tried picking up hobbies and finding ways to improve my life, but nothing seems to help. I'm still so tired, and I can't envision a future for myself. I just want it all to end.
Every day, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations and guilt. It's like there's a weight on my chest that I can't shake off. I hear my father's voice in my head, telling me I'm worthless and will never amount to anything. The constant criticism and belittling have made me doubt every move I make.
I've never felt truly loved or accepted. My parents made me feel like I was a burden, like my existence was a mistake. They never supported my dreams or interests; instead, they crushed them, telling me I was foolish for even trying. Every hobby I wanted to pursue was shot down. I loved art, but they told me I needed to focus on school. I wanted to swim, but they said a girl shouldn't show her body. I was interested in judo, but they insisted it was too boyish. The emotional scars run deep, and no matter how hard I try to heal, the pain is always there.
All my childhood, all I did was try to survive and make my parents proud. I don't even know what my own personality is or what I want in life because I've never lived for myself. I've only ever lived for my parents and my family.
I struggle to connect with others because I fear they'll see the broken person I am inside. I'm always anxious, always second-guessing myself. I can't shake the feeling that I'm fundamentally flawed, that no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough.
Even though I've escaped the physical environment, the mental torment follows me everywhere. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the constant feeling of inadequacy – they never leave me. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of despair, and I don't know how to break free.
I just want the pain to stop. I want to find peace, but it seems so far out of reach. Every day is a struggle to keep going, to find a reason to stay alive. I feel so alone, so misunderstood. I just want it all to end.
