antarctic
New Member
- Feb 20, 2025
- 1
Hey there human being,
Shortly i dont want to exist anymore, if i could stop ever being born i'd do it without a second thought.
So to give a bit of information as to why and stuff. Firstly simply said, i hate myself, how i look, how i think, how i speak, just everything. There isnt a single thing i like about myself i live in a constant exchange of doubts and thinking dumb worthless shit. Secondly i just dont see myselfs future, not in any kind of jobs nor any other kind of thing that would be worth anything, so im fucking scared i will just end up being homeless or some shit like that.
So to who i am:
I turned 18 a few weeks ago, since i was like 16 or 15 im fucking depressed as shit. My parents divorced one or two years ago, which already destroyed a part of my world. My mother constantly says i hate her and that i think its her fault that they divorced even though i am just trying to fucking live and my dad instantly had a girlfriend which is a total bitch and instantly basically threw my sister out the house and acted like she had anything to tell me and guess what my dad did and said. Exactly, he didnt do shit and told me to accept her. When i was about 16 i started self harming, cutting deeper and deeper over the years, by now im basically self harm free, which sounds good but unfortunately its not that i dont need it anymore cuz im fine or anything, its more that it just doesnt do shit anymore neither helps me coping nor getting different thoughts. Also im so fucking introverted, socially anxious and scared of people. Its always the same i feel useless, worthless, replacable and uninvited wherever i am. I had some relationships and talking stages which all ended with me being broken up with. every. single. one. I just feel unlovable at this point, i always was either too much or not enough. Nothing in between. Besides that my last girlfriend was literally my world, my place to be safe, my home. I adored her for a long time not having the courage to do a step, but when she did the first i felt like the world and i were less shitty. I thought it would workout forever since it felt perfect and quite literally surpressed my bad thoughts and selfhatred, well she didnt see it like that and after about 5 months of love and seeing rainbows and a week of not being able to tell me whats wrong she broke up with me. Turns out she had "avoident attachment" and couldnt explain it to me earlier. I dont even hate her for that i wish i could be even kinda mad or anything but i cant, even though i think it would be easier to forget about it. She also was kinda the first real gf in terms of physical and psychological connection and Attachment. I am by no means good at interpretating the few thing i feel/, but if know one thing then that was between all the not beeing able to get a clear head and shit. I knew i fucking loved her, like i have never loved or get loved before. Now that was literally months ago, but still hurts the same, at this point i dont even feel like healing it just gets worse every day and every night, i fucking miss her. I just dont feel like i will ever get over it, when i see a picture of her or think for too long it always feels like it was yesterday and it hurts like then again. Since that i feel like dissociating from reality more every day, like not being me, like watching my life through a window. Just on Autopilot. When i look in the mirror i most definetly see someone, but not someone i would wish to be me or is me. I feel like every single person around me is just so free to live and be themselves. Besides that i feel like i have too many fucking personalitys with one person im like this and with another completely different which might be kinda normal but it has gotten to a point where i dont even know who i am or what i like. Also i am the fucking definiton of a people pleaser i cant fucking stand the thought of someone being mad at me. Last time a friend of mine got slightly angry at me i had a panic attack and the self harmed, to calm down a little bit.
The most shit thing about all that is, i talked to friends, my sister and my ex girlfriend about some of these things, so its not like i dont have anyone to talk to, but at this point it just doesnt get me anything. I dont mean that in an offensive way. Im grateful for them but it used to actually help me but its just not the same anymore. My parents or my sister are not unloving by any means but i just feel like at this point ive also locked myself away from them, building up a personality they'd like.
Another big thing about my future is i am fucking scared. On one side to be absolutely impactless and on the other side to do something thats not me and just a character. A reason for that is that i dont really trust myself since im fucking lazy and dont feel like my thoughts actually cause any action i wanted to work on my body for 3 years but never got the courage to work out, my whole life i have been skinny which is fucking shit since im way to skinny since i grew to fast and have a very fast metabolism. Also i am really fucking nicotine addicted and just cant stop. Everytime i think about something closely related to myself or my situation my mind comes to the same solution and that is do finally fucking do it.
So to come to my own conclusion i. cant. keep. living. like. this. I just want to give up. I read a lot on this website and the problem is just that many are out of my possibilities since germany is very strict and i dont have that much money to buy SN or some chemicals like that. Also i dont have the courage to do shit like hanging or cutting. One choice i have been thinking of in the last months is to crash, crash with my motorcycle would be an option but its pretty unsafe since it only goes about 120kmh. Another option like that is to do top speed in my car and completely hardsteer to a side on the highway or on a country road into a tree. But i dont feel good about that since my sister owns half of it. Also i feel bad about it even though i would love to just be gone, but i would be so fucking sorry since i know people would miss me, but the feeling of being a horrible unlovable shitty mean annoying person just keeps coming back stronger and stronger. Also things like listening to songs, playing video games, watching shows and meeting with friends just does not help me anymore, songs i used to love start to get annoying, games i used to love get boring, shows arent funny and movies arent exciting anymore and meeting friends either feels off or i dont go there since my ex girlfriend will be there. To this friend meeting thing the problem with that is by not going to parties or meetups i feel like basically excluding and slowly loosing contact and attachment to them, which causes me to be fucking scared of not having friend anymore. There is just nothing keeping me here or distracting me from the shitty reality how worthless and senseless my life actually is. I have no fucking idea if that is just venting but please give a realistic fast and mostly painless method that is as unrisky as possible, feel free to also share your opinion on me, my situation or what your thinking, maybe i will stop telling myself its corny and cringe what i think, i dont want to get understood as a depressed "oh im such a loser" teenager. i´ve also thought and talked with my sister about getting therapy but i neither can build up the courage nor think it would help me, since i wouldnt feel comfortable and probably just put up a wall of character to not let a random person get to know me that good
To come to an end, call me nihilistic but literally nothing i or you can do will change shit, we will all die one day, maybe changing society or a part of it but at the end of humanity, nothing will matter, might it be because of our own ignorance, intolerance, hatred, or our sun exploding. The universe will still exist and everything youre thinking right now is literally your brains own illusion of existince.
gn
antarctic <3
ps: please dont get religion into this, it wouldnt help.
Shortly i dont want to exist anymore, if i could stop ever being born i'd do it without a second thought.
So to give a bit of information as to why and stuff. Firstly simply said, i hate myself, how i look, how i think, how i speak, just everything. There isnt a single thing i like about myself i live in a constant exchange of doubts and thinking dumb worthless shit. Secondly i just dont see myselfs future, not in any kind of jobs nor any other kind of thing that would be worth anything, so im fucking scared i will just end up being homeless or some shit like that.
So to who i am:
I turned 18 a few weeks ago, since i was like 16 or 15 im fucking depressed as shit. My parents divorced one or two years ago, which already destroyed a part of my world. My mother constantly says i hate her and that i think its her fault that they divorced even though i am just trying to fucking live and my dad instantly had a girlfriend which is a total bitch and instantly basically threw my sister out the house and acted like she had anything to tell me and guess what my dad did and said. Exactly, he didnt do shit and told me to accept her. When i was about 16 i started self harming, cutting deeper and deeper over the years, by now im basically self harm free, which sounds good but unfortunately its not that i dont need it anymore cuz im fine or anything, its more that it just doesnt do shit anymore neither helps me coping nor getting different thoughts. Also im so fucking introverted, socially anxious and scared of people. Its always the same i feel useless, worthless, replacable and uninvited wherever i am. I had some relationships and talking stages which all ended with me being broken up with. every. single. one. I just feel unlovable at this point, i always was either too much or not enough. Nothing in between. Besides that my last girlfriend was literally my world, my place to be safe, my home. I adored her for a long time not having the courage to do a step, but when she did the first i felt like the world and i were less shitty. I thought it would workout forever since it felt perfect and quite literally surpressed my bad thoughts and selfhatred, well she didnt see it like that and after about 5 months of love and seeing rainbows and a week of not being able to tell me whats wrong she broke up with me. Turns out she had "avoident attachment" and couldnt explain it to me earlier. I dont even hate her for that i wish i could be even kinda mad or anything but i cant, even though i think it would be easier to forget about it. She also was kinda the first real gf in terms of physical and psychological connection and Attachment. I am by no means good at interpretating the few thing i feel/, but if know one thing then that was between all the not beeing able to get a clear head and shit. I knew i fucking loved her, like i have never loved or get loved before. Now that was literally months ago, but still hurts the same, at this point i dont even feel like healing it just gets worse every day and every night, i fucking miss her. I just dont feel like i will ever get over it, when i see a picture of her or think for too long it always feels like it was yesterday and it hurts like then again. Since that i feel like dissociating from reality more every day, like not being me, like watching my life through a window. Just on Autopilot. When i look in the mirror i most definetly see someone, but not someone i would wish to be me or is me. I feel like every single person around me is just so free to live and be themselves. Besides that i feel like i have too many fucking personalitys with one person im like this and with another completely different which might be kinda normal but it has gotten to a point where i dont even know who i am or what i like. Also i am the fucking definiton of a people pleaser i cant fucking stand the thought of someone being mad at me. Last time a friend of mine got slightly angry at me i had a panic attack and the self harmed, to calm down a little bit.
The most shit thing about all that is, i talked to friends, my sister and my ex girlfriend about some of these things, so its not like i dont have anyone to talk to, but at this point it just doesnt get me anything. I dont mean that in an offensive way. Im grateful for them but it used to actually help me but its just not the same anymore. My parents or my sister are not unloving by any means but i just feel like at this point ive also locked myself away from them, building up a personality they'd like.
Another big thing about my future is i am fucking scared. On one side to be absolutely impactless and on the other side to do something thats not me and just a character. A reason for that is that i dont really trust myself since im fucking lazy and dont feel like my thoughts actually cause any action i wanted to work on my body for 3 years but never got the courage to work out, my whole life i have been skinny which is fucking shit since im way to skinny since i grew to fast and have a very fast metabolism. Also i am really fucking nicotine addicted and just cant stop. Everytime i think about something closely related to myself or my situation my mind comes to the same solution and that is do finally fucking do it.
So to come to my own conclusion i. cant. keep. living. like. this. I just want to give up. I read a lot on this website and the problem is just that many are out of my possibilities since germany is very strict and i dont have that much money to buy SN or some chemicals like that. Also i dont have the courage to do shit like hanging or cutting. One choice i have been thinking of in the last months is to crash, crash with my motorcycle would be an option but its pretty unsafe since it only goes about 120kmh. Another option like that is to do top speed in my car and completely hardsteer to a side on the highway or on a country road into a tree. But i dont feel good about that since my sister owns half of it. Also i feel bad about it even though i would love to just be gone, but i would be so fucking sorry since i know people would miss me, but the feeling of being a horrible unlovable shitty mean annoying person just keeps coming back stronger and stronger. Also things like listening to songs, playing video games, watching shows and meeting with friends just does not help me anymore, songs i used to love start to get annoying, games i used to love get boring, shows arent funny and movies arent exciting anymore and meeting friends either feels off or i dont go there since my ex girlfriend will be there. To this friend meeting thing the problem with that is by not going to parties or meetups i feel like basically excluding and slowly loosing contact and attachment to them, which causes me to be fucking scared of not having friend anymore. There is just nothing keeping me here or distracting me from the shitty reality how worthless and senseless my life actually is. I have no fucking idea if that is just venting but please give a realistic fast and mostly painless method that is as unrisky as possible, feel free to also share your opinion on me, my situation or what your thinking, maybe i will stop telling myself its corny and cringe what i think, i dont want to get understood as a depressed "oh im such a loser" teenager. i´ve also thought and talked with my sister about getting therapy but i neither can build up the courage nor think it would help me, since i wouldnt feel comfortable and probably just put up a wall of character to not let a random person get to know me that good
To come to an end, call me nihilistic but literally nothing i or you can do will change shit, we will all die one day, maybe changing society or a part of it but at the end of humanity, nothing will matter, might it be because of our own ignorance, intolerance, hatred, or our sun exploding. The universe will still exist and everything youre thinking right now is literally your brains own illusion of existince.
gn
antarctic <3
ps: please dont get religion into this, it wouldnt help.
