Venting I can't keep distracting myself

[mercysangel]

I have small episodes of contentedness, but ultimately my main mood is just completely miserable. Every so often I'll find enjoyment in some activity for a few hours, but I always go back to this. I thought I was doing well at hiding how I felt, but I've had people I've never spoken to asking if im okay, which is one of the most stressful things I've ever been asked. I used to have crippling social anxiety, which I've worked through quite a lot by myself, but the anxiety that question put me through felt worse than anything else. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I am almost completely miserable and have been for months. I can't keep living for the rare glimpses of hope I get every so often. Like this morning I woke up super excited and motivated, I thought it was some turning point, I felt like I was better. I cleaned up my slum of a room and everything, I made a nice little day routine and everything, but just as soon as it came I'm back to how I felt before. I've been depressed before and it just sorted itself out, but I don't feel like this will be the same. I want to ruin my own life. I want to feel worse. I don't know what to do. I thought it was over today, I felt happy and excited, I don't even know why. I've stopped going to all the social things I used to do and no one even noticed. My relationship with family gets worse day by day. My older sister has an obvious diagnosed personality disorder and I know she shit talks me to her friends. My little sister's birthday is close by, which is the only reason I'm not killing myself tonight. My friends ignore me and don't even like me, but no one does. The only communication I get other than my mom is strangers online and not even they like me. Everyone I think I'm close with talks behind my back and is super secretive and lie to me. The worst part is that today I felt happy and didn't want to feel worse. I don't expect anyone to read this , but it's nice to put it out there. Sorry the title isn't really related I didnt plan for it to turn into a vent lol.

 

[shinohara]

I relate to a lot of this. I feel like I'm constantly just looking for the next "high", but as soon as it's over or gone then it's back to misery and emptiness

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Yes, at this point for me the best I can wish for, besides CTB, is finding my state of euthymia. I'll never be happy, of that I'm sure, I just wasn't made for it, I can at least hope and try to be just "okay". Not good, not bad, just okay and okay with being okay.
Wish you'll be able to find this state of being as well

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring being trapped in that situation and I'm sorry that you suffer. There really does seem to be no true relief from suffering as long as one stays here and this is simply the reality. But anyway, I wish you the best.