Venting I can't handle one more thing.

[byebyeburdee]

My whole life is in chaos. PTSD, debt, legal problems, abandoned by family and friends. And now I find out I'm hitting menopause (early due to a hysterectomy from endometriosis). I've tried to ctb seriously a couple times in the past, and "casually" or haphazardly at least once a week for the past few months. You know the kind of attempt where you're just like, "Eh, f it. I'll do this risky thing, and if that's the end, that's fine with me."

But I feel like the menopause shit on top of everything else is just too much all at once for one person to bear. I can't overcome these things and I don't care anymore.

I've tried so hard to stay here for the people I care about, but when nobody else cares back until you're literally dangling from a ledge, why bother? If they didn't want me dead, wouldn't they text back when I say stuff like "I'm scared" or "I don't know what to do anymore" or even "hey, how was your day?" My dad even tells me to literally stop texting him so much.

They think they care, but they don't care enough to show up when I really need someone. And yet I'm the selfish one for attempting...

I'm just so tired of being told to carry on when nobody gets how much shit I have to carry with me.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is nothing selfish about suicide at all, we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing. I think most people only care about what directly affects themselves anyway. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, this life is so tiring. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[WaterHemlock]

I can really relate to so much of what you've shared. My menopause isn't early but its seriously no joke, it's a significant medical condition. I'm assuming you're on hormone replacement therapy? I've just started and it's made a difference, both with helping with symptoms and sending me through the mood swing amusement park.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You're not selfish. FuneralCry is right that most people really don't see more than what affects them directly.

 

[Julgran]

It's sad to read about your circumstances. Has this been an ongoing problem for very long, or did it occur recently, and now you feel overwhelmed?

As I understand you, you are facing various problems currently, but which one is pressing you down the most right now? Do you think that you may be able to sort them out, one by one?

 

[byebyeburdee]

It's sad to read about your circumstances. Has this been an ongoing problem for very long, or did it occur recently, and now you feel overwhelmed?

As I understand you, you are facing various problems currently, but which one is pressing you down the most right now? Do you think that you may be able to sort them out, one by one?

These things have been building up for years. I spent the last of my money going to therapy twice a week for the past few months because I didn't have anyone else to talk to.

 

[Julgran]

I see.

These things have been building up for years. I spent the last of my money going to therapy twice a week for the past few months because I didn't have anyone else to talk to.

I see. What do you expect therapy to aid you with? I don't mean to trivialize therapy, because it probably can help with your current mental state in this hard time, but it will not solve your legal or economic problems - just as going to therapy wouldn't work if you were worried about an asteroid hitting our planet. I mean, the problems that you have are concrete, while a therapy session can only make you feel better in your current circumstance, and make you stuck there.

I lack any useful expertise in this area, though, but I really do wish you the very best of luck with your situation. It's hard - I can tell

 

[Snake of Eden]

Hey if you want someone to talk to frequently im here hit me up

 

[pole]

there's only so much one can handle.

you're dealing with and are going through a ton right now. it seems it's all collapsing on you too, hitting you all at once. i'd be exhausted and feel like i'm suffocating or drowning.

it's worse when those around you aren't there for you the same way that you're there for them. i'm sorry you're forced to deal with all this alone and those around you can't see that you're drowning.

people only notice when it's too late and something devastating happens.

 

[byebyeburdee]

I see.


I see. What do you expect therapy to aid you with? I don't mean to trivialize therapy, because it probably can help with your current mental state in this hard time, but it will not solve your legal or economic problems - just as going to therapy wouldn't work if you were worried about an asteroid hitting our planet. I mean, the problems that you have are concrete, while a therapy session can only make you feel better in your current circumstance, and make you stuck there.

I lack any useful expertise in this area, though, but I really do wish you the very best of luck with your situation. It's hard - I can tell

Yah, no worries! It's hard to get all the deets across in an online forum! I have been on meds and in therapy for decades at this point, doing my best to be the person others need me to be. I have all the mental and emotional resources anyone could hope for. I *feel* great, oddly. I have excellent coping skills, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills. And I am a freaking CHAMP at confronting trauma at this point. I just want to "retire". I have no desire to keep going through it.


If I HAD the desire to continue life, I would find a way to solve these material problems one by one. Money comes and goes, jail time can be served. But I don't have the desire to continue life, so the problems just make me go.... why? Why bother, why try, why put in the maximum amount of effort just so I can continue doing something I don't truly want to do?

Hope this makes sense!

 

[Julgran]

Yah, no worries! It's hard to get all the deets across in an online forum! I have been on meds and in therapy for decades at this point, doing my best to be the person others need me to be. I have all the mental and emotional resources anyone could hope for. I *feel* great, oddly. I have excellent coping skills, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills. And I am a freaking CHAMP at confronting trauma at this point. I just want to "retire". I have no desire to keep going through it.


If I HAD the desire to continue life, I would find a way to solve these material problems one by one. Money comes and goes, jail time can be served. But I don't have the desire to continue life, so the problems just make me go.... why? Why bother, why try, why put in the maximum amount of effort just so I can continue doing something I don't truly want to do?

Hope this makes sense!

Indeed! That was clearly put, and I fully agree - it's almost an existential question of "Why do I really want to live?", rather than being depressed about something specific or feeling hopeless.

Hopefully, you will find the right path for yourself.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yah, no worries! It's hard to get all the deets across in an online forum! I have been on meds and in therapy for decades at this point, doing my best to be the person others need me to be. I have all the mental and emotional resources anyone could hope for. I *feel* great, oddly. I have excellent coping skills, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills. And I am a freaking CHAMP at confronting trauma at this point. I just want to "retire". I have no desire to keep going through it.


If I HAD the desire to continue life, I would find a way to solve these material problems one by one. Money comes and goes, jail time can be served. But I don't have the desire to continue life, so the problems just make me go.... why? Why bother, why try, why put in the maximum amount of effort just so I can continue doing something I don't truly want to do?

Hope this makes sense!

My feelings precisely… unless you have something to stick around for, why stay? It's like being at a party or in a conversation… There comes a time when it's over…

 

[byebyeburdee]

Indeed! That was clearly put, and I fully agree - it's almost an existential question of "Why do I really want to live?", rather than being depressed about something specific or feeling hopeless.

Hopefully, you will find the right path for yourself.

Yup. I'm in no rush. What's meant to happen will eventually happen.

I highly recommend Shelly Kagan's series on death: It's good to intellectualize these things and really have a clear, relatively dispassionate cause to want to leave and not just act on impulse and emotion. It's not a decision to make because you're having a bad day.

 

[Julgran]

I highly recommend Shelly Kagan's series on death

Thank you very much! I will have a look at this video series.