I think two experiences you mentioned are unfortuately similar to things I've experienced. There's a person that, years ago made some decisions to afford themselves a small amount of convenience, did not ask or believe or understand what I did and said about, many things, including that decision, as a result i suffered and lost a lot. That is one of many experiences I had in life that left me suffering, whether by my own poorly guided decisions, bad luck, or bad decisions on someone elses behalf.. anyways. I was initially angry years ago, I didn't want to hear that name, I didn't want to see that face or contact them at all. To this day I still can't have a detailed discussion about what happened there without crying, even with my therapist. She knows generally of that situation, about things with family, other so called friends or relationships. I avoided seeing that person for about two years while the hurt continued to pile up quicker than I could deal with it. A short term commitment that became important and caused me to miss my bus last month, the same reason was enough to make me see that person's face yesterday, knowing I would have to act politely, formally, and not act on any emotions I felt about the situation no matter what they chose to say or do. I was really worried about that yday, I didn't want to go, I thought it would be uncomfortable at best, and an emotional/verbal fiasco at worst... but when I walked into the room I felt nothing. I wasn't angry, it will never be okay what they did, but I couldn't feel anything. A little bit of acknowledging we're all flawed humans that make mistakes but nothing beyond. I am utterly emotionally exhausted from feeling extreme sadness, loss, and disappointment. Also the practicality of not existing next year, I guess long term hopes are irrelevant. I don't want to put energy into humans anymore. But that lack of feeling you talked about you said, I know that. And if i'm imagining being kicked out of a study hall for softly crying while looking at sasu on my computer, I think I'd feel exactly as you describe.
I've also done the exact same thing you're talking about with having less reactions to a social media post I made (here, other groups, or socials), than my peers there, and in retrospect I went straight to something seemingly trivial and felt worthless. Worthless is a word more common in my thoughts, writing, these days. So much negativity so often, for so long, and nothing I do (good or bad) ever seems to work. Pretty much what therapists call trauma. Humans can process trauma, it's like digestion I guess, some of us faster and some slower, but always there is too much too fast. And, that overflow is where I am. That is the pain the world has showed me too much of, that makes me prioritize relief of my pain by ctb above any of the things I have previously enjoyed in life.
Over the years I found things I loved, like rescuing pet rats. I didn't trust peolpe, but in that brief moment of a rat's short lifespan, I could relieve their suffering, help them have more quality enjoyable experiences like yummy foods, playing with cagemates, nibbling off small pieces of my laptop, whatever. I could turn a dejected dying animal, as I feel now, into a content being that enjoys their life, for a little while at least, suffering gone. I felt more worthwhile being able to so closely observe that. My interactions with humans, ones where I had to trust, have always left me feeling hurt and alone and worse off than when I was before, so I guess I got my interactions there and with online chatter, mmo's, this forum, similar. I guess it was around 2015, I got lied to and cheated on in a relationship, that was about when I stopped trusting humans or genuinely accepting people saying the fucking L word and trusting they really do care about my welfare. It would have served me well had I remembered that truth, of not trusting, but for some reason I'm very bad at getting into relationships (not necessarily intimate) that leave me hurt, I keep unwittingly getting into them. I hate the L word tho, for years when I am told that my face looks like I bit a lemon, or I completely change the topic of conversation, or I outright tell the offender to not say that. To some degree it's true, have loved and still care about people, but to an extent. It's important for me to act with integrity, follow through with actions I say I will, to those I care about. But this pain I have, outweighs anything. I might be able to tolerate it another few months maybe even a year, in this exact situation, if nothing changes. But recent years show me changes often are for the worst, things are harder to achieve, my ability to make the best of whatever it is becomes less as I am more taxed by having already tried.
Gonna paraphrase some other recent thought provoking threads here, one of them is finding sasu. Anyone who came here legitimately thought letting go of everything possibly positive in life was the best way out of the pain we have. I have emotional/situational hurt and have not found a way to improve otherwise. That has become unbearable, more than possibly being able to save pet rats, play mmo's, chat on forums, or anything else remotely pleasurable. Sometimes it's physical or emotional or a combination, the details are as unique as our personalities. We suffered enough to put it first, above any family or significant other. One unbearable common thing among us. I have tried before and failed, then tried to alleviate other ways without ctb. I keep ending up being okay with being dead more often, more days, and faster.
talking with ppl on sasu is uniquely helpful, as I can't even say to my therapist I'm considering (not intending) without potentially placing her job at risk. She's a rational logical person and gives suggestions I find helpful, but what I'm typing out now could easily complicate her job for my freedom because of arcane legislature. I'm starting to feel it again now, that mild headache and brain fog. I think I have too much in my head, I keep getting mild headaches this week. Hard to concentrate, maybe I should shut up. It's uniquely comforting, helpful for me to type stuff like this without worry of being locked up, costing someone a job. It's helpful for me to avoid any pain I may feel in my procedure if and when I carry forward, that alleviates stress, fear of pain, fear of this emotional pain plus added physical emotional loss. I feel less alone reading stuff I relate to, like in your post or nirrend's reply. That brought me here and is why I'm still here until I find the easiest way out of my predicament. I find constant toxic positivity boring and useless, same with negativity when it's too much too often. There's other reasons than pain someone would make accounts here, such as people that make money off newspaper ad revenue, or predators that get enjoyment watching and worsening ppl's suffering. I know I'm less capable of handling real life situations in my current brain foggy, tired, empty state, I try to remind myself that some vultures love to pick the bones off an animal like me, easy prey. Another member wrote about the rationality of legal suicide, that we aren't invalidated because our pain may be emotional vs physical, which is easier for normies to be okay with the latter, and referenced a few questions about having rational criteria for ctb. this is not my first option, and the reason I have, what i've tried led to worse, similarly to what other members describe in their own situations of worsening pain. I hate feeling this way, I hate seeing honest peolpe feel this way, fuck consumerism and fuck predators. big hugs to you raven.
things can change
we live in a cruel world
