Venting I can’t even try

[brieflyshoya]

Recently I've fallen back terribly onto my suicidal ideation, and since I'm not in therapy or anything I've really had no place to discuss it recently. The thing is, it doesn't really matter what the problem is, my first response is literally always suicide. Even trying to place myself in a fictional character's situation, my first thought is "I don't know how they survived that, I'd kill myself." I find myself voicing these thoughts often and you'd think it might be slightly concerning, but no. Everyone around me I'm sure has their suspicions with as readily as I talk about killing myself — but I've yet to go out and say "I'm suicidal." I don't want anyone to hurt or feel the burden like it's them trying to keep me alive, because it's not their problem I don't want to live…

Anyway, this may be a bit scattered because it's really just a vent to get my feelings out. This is my first time posting here so I'm not really sure of the etiquette of this site, but if it's tagged as vent it's fine, right? I hope? (・・?)

As of late, I've been thinking about how I plan to do it. There's not exactly anything going for me and I'm pretty tired and miserable, but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to go right now? I don't want to be alive but every time I've tried, I get such a paralyzing fear that I can't go forward with it. I don't know if I'm simply afraid of dying or if it's the act itself, but I know I at least can't do this anymore. The way I've phrased this all seems very 'i secretly want to live,' but that really isn't the case at all. I've been struggling with thoughts of suicide for a very long time now and I've really made up my mind by now, I think my main problem is just how anxious I get.

I visited a bridge I thought might be a good spot to jump the other day (though I don't think it's tall enough looking back,) but when I looked down I just felt terrified. It makes me wonder if anyone else has this trouble, I haven't even gotten to really try it because of terror. I tried to suffocate one time, but I started panicking really quickly, before I could even get close to going unconscious. Because of this, I haven't really even been able to get a 'good' attempt in; not one that could make anyone take me seriously, at least. It makes me feel sort of invalid in my thoughts because, why say I want to kill myself if I can hardly try it? I don't really know how to word my feelings, but it's just been on my mind lately. Any advice for feeling less scared maybe? I don't think I'm at a point where I can do it any time soon anyway, but maybe in a few months or a year I'll be ready. ♪

 

[cme-dme]

I feel this way as well. I feel pathetic telling my friends about these emotions of mine because they'll say something like "Well what are you going to do about it?" and I'm just here like "Guess I'll die lol". I don't like feeling like people need to help me so it causes me stress being open with them about it.
To address the other half of your post, it sounds like you're a bit uncertain about all of this which is not a good place to be in. Combine it with your survival instinct and you're going to have a hard time going through with anything. That paralyzing fear is the most primal monkey brain instinct one can feel. Also, any bridge less than 150 ft up isn't high enough. There's various drugs that can lower your survival instinct or make you feel less anxious. Any amount of time on this forum and you'll figure it out.
I feel a bit worried though because it's clear you're uncertain. I think before you ponder any of these things you should try to go through all the conventional ways of getting yourself out of this hole before you make such a decision, if you haven't already. Good luck with whatever choice you decide to make.