Venting i can't even comprehend what relationships are like

[lamargue]

i feel like i am completely dissociated with reality, as if the people around me are specters of my mind. i haven't interacted with a person outside of my family in months. girls, in particular, i have maybe interacted twice in my life with, aside from my mother. i really cannot comprehend what it would be like to enter into a relationship with a girl. i might not crave for it, since i feel utterly dejected, as if i've already been consigned to a fate of loneliness and indifference.

it seems too much effort to integrate oneself into the culture in order to better optimize their chances of finding a partner. things like extending ones own hobbies, interests, etc., some of which i have tried but inevitably come off as desperate and crude attempts at connection. they are not sustainable.

i have nothing in common with other people. and this is not some pitiful attempt to cement my own individuality. i really could not care, since i don't even consider myself an individual at the moment. my own interests are mirrored by none, and if they are then i probably don't have enough knowledge of it to fully connect with another person. maybe it all reduces to my inept social skills. i had a friend once who i considered a genius in terms of social adaptability. he would weave intricate stories of the most banal subjects, such as warehouse labour, roughnecks and overworked hardcaps, slack-jawed storeclerks, etc. i can't imagine being that comfortable with another person so as to prattle on without worry or incident. even when i type i am unsatisfied with the content of what i am trying to convey, since i feel as if i contradict myself on many points. if i try to, i am misunderstood; if i am understood, i am proven wrong.

but maybe i am conflating sexual intimacy and the other parts of a relationship. of course, i think the latter takes precedence over the former, only sofar as the latter improves the former. but i don't think i will ever know. i sometimes daydream of the people who killed themselves while still virgins. i may join their rank soon enough. i guess i envision these female personas online, most of whom share some interests with me, albeit trivial ones which i doubt could serve as the basis of any healthy relationship. i will die without having ever known intimacy.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Sorry to hear about these challenges but I feel for you. I don't think I have any easy solutions to offer but your struggle has been heard if that helps.

Anyway...women really are just people like men are. They have similar insecurities, similar drives. You say you have rarely interacted with them and by now that must feel like an ingrained pattern. But if I can make a suggestion...give it a shot. Even if you give it a shot and they aren't that receptive 99 times, there will be that one that is like a foot in the door to a new set of experiences. It all has to start somewhere.

 

[lamargue]

Sorry to hear about these challenges but I feel for you. I don't think I have any easy solutions to offer but your struggle has been heard if that helps.

Anyway...women really are just people like men are. They have similar insecurities, similar drives. You say you have rarely interacted with them and by now that must feel like an ingrained pattern. But if I can make a suggestion...give it a shot. Even if you give it a shot and they aren't that receptive 99 times, there will be that one that is like a foot in the door to a new set of experiences. It all has to start somewhere.

the problem is that i don't have any places to interact with them. the only online space i am a part of is sanctioned suicide, and in the real world i have absolutely no contact with people whatsoever. i tried tinder but i fear that they expect someone who is normal and aware of the kind of social contract that pervades that platform. clubs are also shit and only work for extroverted people. most women that are around my age go to university, which i don't. i feel like a ghost.