It's pointless existing anymore. I'm utterly useless anyway. I don't wish for anything besides being consumed by nothingness.
I seem to be the problem in every situation so I guess the only solution to this is me leaving for good. It's a constant cycle of hearing something is wrong with me and I'm the one with all the issues; my family tells me all the time I have a victim complex and I seemingly have no sense of others. I used to wonder what that meant, I wanted to figure out if what they said was true and if I really was the problem. I have come to realise that no matter what I do, nothing seems to change.
I am clearly the anomaly here. I wasn't supposed to be here nor in this family.
The only thing that held me here was my pet and he passed in January. I have never felt so empty and abysmal; he genuinely was such a consoling, playful and attentive little fighter that kept me feeling alive and real? I know I probably sound a little crazy but he was such a constant in my life so when he passed, by cancer, I became obsolete(which I didn't think would be possible considering how apathetic I was already).
I have yet to retain any semblance of true emotion and I feel all I have been surviving on delusion, denial and probably frustration. It's been 11 months and not having the soul/person, that made you feel safe, is horrifyingly monotonous and wrenching.
I feel like I lose myself more very day. I just feel so crazy. As though, I am the one deluding myself to make my reality worse than it is. Maybe I am? I don't care to care anymore. I just don't think my effort in surviving is worth it anymore.
I grew up being too adored by my mother then, after an event with one of my siblings, she completely drifted away. Such to the point that she completely ignored me during my teenage years. I was sometimes snarky or 'smart' with my word choice as to get any response which prompted her to ignore me more; I take responsibility. She does not. It went as far as to her never responding to me but speaking to my older siblings, to not acknowledging my presence at all. When I couldn't cope anymore with the constant emptiness, I thought I'd rather die instead. So at 15 I attempted to kms. Obviously since I am still here, it was unsuccessful but very close. After my failed attempt, I tried again but without much to base my protocols off of, I failed. A few years passed and I tried to live. It seems that failed too!
My mother hates me; taking every chance to admonish me and blame me for her traumas. I used to feel unbearably responsible until I started benefitting from therapy. I am extremely privileged to have gone therapy even if my mom only sent me because I'm "depraved", I am still grateful. Through therapy however, my reality only became worse because I came to be too aware of the atrocity of existing in that house. The therapist very slowly eased me into realising how much unfair blame I took on, as a child, even when all the adults around me failed to take responsibility. I tried to change so I set up boundaries and continued trying to progress in my life. Slight boundaries only resulted in a slew of hatred from those around me. I went from people pleasing, being passive, sweet and palatable to being "selfish, unable to see reality and self-absorbed".
I can't change how they see me and I don't intend to. But, starting now, before I ctb I'm going to live my life without the constraints of what is going to happen as a result of setting boundaries; saying "no" or masking myself to not upset anyone.
My family has an overwhelming lack of boundaries so early on I was exposed to deplorable things. Until I became an adult, no one could fathom they did any wrong. I blamed myself the whole time for staying and allowing them to tarnish my mind. I stopped caring even when they eventually apologised because their apologies were followed by a great big contradiction "but...you allowed it".
I was 10. I was 11. I was 12. I was 13. I was 14. I was 15. I was 16. I was 17. (and 18 but that's legally an adult so I don't think I should include it). It might have even started before that, especially because I have no memories of anything before 10. A huge blank and uncomfortable slate.
There was a clear disregard to my inability to say the word 'no'. I was not taught to. I learnt the hard way and now I am prone to saying it more often in my adulthood but it is still, nevertheless, hard.
Through experiencing being ignored by my single mother for years, a dad that is super academic and an 'intellect' yet sporadically present alongside older siblings that were unable to be present. I only had school and academic validation, my pets, my body and anything I could control about myself left to deal with. I spiralled into multiple eating disorders and eventually got an OCD diagnosis. It is such a despicable disorder. Even with ERP I still struggle with feelings of not having self control. I managed to do extremely well academically(winning awards and everything) and socially I wasn't abhorrent since I masked my every action. Things took a massive change since. I am a resolute failure. I plan to do 'well' for the next little while then finally be at peace. I feel oddly happy knowing the next few years do not exist for me anymore. I have another thread of my ambiguity around ctb, but I realised a short while after I wrote it that I am certain now, completely. I would say that not rushing myself and letting myself just think for longer, about less, helped me come to my conclusion.
"There is no real rush if you sincerely are considering permanent rest...", that's what I told myself and it seemed to work.
Thank you for reading if you have up until this point!
I feel a sentiment of relief having been on SaSu and even though I'm a pretty recent member, I have felt seen on here. So thank you everyone for posting!! It is much appreciated:)
I have a pretty conclusive plan on my ctb protocol so when the time comes I'll be saying bye to everyone. I will still be around up until the date I have decided, so, I hope to connect with more of you. I still have quite a bit of time.
I hope you get some rest.
I seem to be the problem in every situation so I guess the only solution to this is me leaving for good. It's a constant cycle of hearing something is wrong with me and I'm the one with all the issues; my family tells me all the time I have a victim complex and I seemingly have no sense of others. I used to wonder what that meant, I wanted to figure out if what they said was true and if I really was the problem. I have come to realise that no matter what I do, nothing seems to change.
I am clearly the anomaly here. I wasn't supposed to be here nor in this family.
The only thing that held me here was my pet and he passed in January. I have never felt so empty and abysmal; he genuinely was such a consoling, playful and attentive little fighter that kept me feeling alive and real? I know I probably sound a little crazy but he was such a constant in my life so when he passed, by cancer, I became obsolete(which I didn't think would be possible considering how apathetic I was already).
I have yet to retain any semblance of true emotion and I feel all I have been surviving on delusion, denial and probably frustration. It's been 11 months and not having the soul/person, that made you feel safe, is horrifyingly monotonous and wrenching.
I feel like I lose myself more very day. I just feel so crazy. As though, I am the one deluding myself to make my reality worse than it is. Maybe I am? I don't care to care anymore. I just don't think my effort in surviving is worth it anymore.
I grew up being too adored by my mother then, after an event with one of my siblings, she completely drifted away. Such to the point that she completely ignored me during my teenage years. I was sometimes snarky or 'smart' with my word choice as to get any response which prompted her to ignore me more; I take responsibility. She does not. It went as far as to her never responding to me but speaking to my older siblings, to not acknowledging my presence at all. When I couldn't cope anymore with the constant emptiness, I thought I'd rather die instead. So at 15 I attempted to kms. Obviously since I am still here, it was unsuccessful but very close. After my failed attempt, I tried again but without much to base my protocols off of, I failed. A few years passed and I tried to live. It seems that failed too!
My mother hates me; taking every chance to admonish me and blame me for her traumas. I used to feel unbearably responsible until I started benefitting from therapy. I am extremely privileged to have gone therapy even if my mom only sent me because I'm "depraved", I am still grateful. Through therapy however, my reality only became worse because I came to be too aware of the atrocity of existing in that house. The therapist very slowly eased me into realising how much unfair blame I took on, as a child, even when all the adults around me failed to take responsibility. I tried to change so I set up boundaries and continued trying to progress in my life. Slight boundaries only resulted in a slew of hatred from those around me. I went from people pleasing, being passive, sweet and palatable to being "selfish, unable to see reality and self-absorbed".
I can't change how they see me and I don't intend to. But, starting now, before I ctb I'm going to live my life without the constraints of what is going to happen as a result of setting boundaries; saying "no" or masking myself to not upset anyone.
My family has an overwhelming lack of boundaries so early on I was exposed to deplorable things. Until I became an adult, no one could fathom they did any wrong. I blamed myself the whole time for staying and allowing them to tarnish my mind. I stopped caring even when they eventually apologised because their apologies were followed by a great big contradiction "but...you allowed it".
I was 10. I was 11. I was 12. I was 13. I was 14. I was 15. I was 16. I was 17. (and 18 but that's legally an adult so I don't think I should include it). It might have even started before that, especially because I have no memories of anything before 10. A huge blank and uncomfortable slate.
There was a clear disregard to my inability to say the word 'no'. I was not taught to. I learnt the hard way and now I am prone to saying it more often in my adulthood but it is still, nevertheless, hard.
Through experiencing being ignored by my single mother for years, a dad that is super academic and an 'intellect' yet sporadically present alongside older siblings that were unable to be present. I only had school and academic validation, my pets, my body and anything I could control about myself left to deal with. I spiralled into multiple eating disorders and eventually got an OCD diagnosis. It is such a despicable disorder. Even with ERP I still struggle with feelings of not having self control. I managed to do extremely well academically(winning awards and everything) and socially I wasn't abhorrent since I masked my every action. Things took a massive change since. I am a resolute failure. I plan to do 'well' for the next little while then finally be at peace. I feel oddly happy knowing the next few years do not exist for me anymore. I have another thread of my ambiguity around ctb, but I realised a short while after I wrote it that I am certain now, completely. I would say that not rushing myself and letting myself just think for longer, about less, helped me come to my conclusion.
"There is no real rush if you sincerely are considering permanent rest...", that's what I told myself and it seemed to work.
Thank you for reading if you have up until this point!
I feel a sentiment of relief having been on SaSu and even though I'm a pretty recent member, I have felt seen on here. So thank you everyone for posting!! It is much appreciated:)
I have a pretty conclusive plan on my ctb protocol so when the time comes I'll be saying bye to everyone. I will still be around up until the date I have decided, so, I hope to connect with more of you. I still have quite a bit of time.
I hope you get some rest.
