Venting I can't do this anymore

[NoLoveNoHope]

Update: My attempt failed and I'm alright physically.

I keep dreaming of what my life could of been - I had a really happy dream where I was happy with my ex and I woke up so suicidal - I just can't anymore. I wake up everyday miserable. My dreams of what life could of been - the only life I wanted to be shown right in front of me just to be torn to shreds. I can't keep going like this. I'm considering partial hanging today but I'm scared I may be found and resuscitated with brain damage.

Every god damn day I am toyed and tormented with. I experience sleep paralysis and demons playing with my fear but that's nothing compared to the mental anguish I experience from my dreams of a happy life. I would rather be killed over and over than to have that dream again. I was so fucking happy.

I have long considered my life as unworthy of living, it is plain inhumane to have someone go through this and force them to continue living. I have been coping with this by imagining visions of myself dying via Amitriptyline overdose during a state of extreme sleep deprivation: the boiling blood, the feeling my veins will blow, the stabbing pain in my chest and a smile on my face while I die a horrific death - I know it's coming after days of self-inflicted torment.

I feel so alone and that nobody wants me around, I have postponed this thread several times. I am considering getting drunk and sedated off a bunch of sleeping pills and just hanging myself. I can't fucking stand this.

 

[inmyhead]

Sending all my hugs and love to you. I am going through a very similar thing right now. A recent break up with the person I thought was going to be my 'one'. Keep having dreams about us being together and then crashing back to reality when I wake up. It's hell.

I've been thinking about the same method but just biding my time until there's nobody in the house for long enough that I can get away with it.

Here if you need to vent or chat!

 

[pharmacoepia]

If your scared about being resuscitated, then get the classic SN or something else with high lethality. See the megathreads for more info.

I assume that your access to amitriptyline infers that you've tried all treatments from psychs, and gotten nothing from them. I presume that you've tried all options before deciding that CTB is your last hope.

If so, then I wish you a peaceful afterlife or nothingness. As long as it's not hell or purgatory, you'll be where you belong, with nature. You are currently using atoms that you don't wish to possess, and it's only fair to give away what you don't want and have tried everything with. It's time for you to be in eternal peace and at one with nature.

 

[Zegers]

I can feel a lot of what you say, the daily torment for one thing or another, the daydreams you live, it's all so unnecessarily difficult.

May we find wellness.

 

[dimstar]

The dreams get to me too, especially like you said of how things could have/ should be. You've always been as very great person here and I wish like others that you weren't at your edge. You dont deserve this tournament of the world around us and the worlds we create in our heads it's all beyond our control were just stuck in it. I support you in what ever you decide and will certainly be thinking of you tonight, send some of your demons my way so you can have smaller load in this hard time. I'm pouring 2 shots right now one for you and one for me so maybe you wont be as alone as you feel. Cheers friend. Much love and support wishing you some form of peace. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to endure and I hate how it's so difficult to leave this world, failing ctb is exactly what I fear. But of course I agree that it's so incredibly inhumane to force someone to suffer endlessly, it's so repulsive how humans are expected to be prisoners to this existence until they decay and die anyway, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you wish for.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm very sorry. It must be a horrible situation to live like this. Wish you all the best!