ipomoeaalba
✨🔪IM STRUGGLING TO KEEP MY EDGE🔪✨
- Nov 12, 2022
- 12
im so so so fucking tired
i was already depressed enough to seriously consider ctb BUUUUT my now ex [for clarity hes transmasc, afab but goes by he/they] had to cheat on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. we spent a day at disney bc it was one of the last things i wanted to do before i die bc it was always such a special place for me. i caught him lying at least 10 times abt it [including during our time at the park!!!!!!!!] before throwing him out of the house and he and his new partner continue to fuck w me. everytime i confront ex he denies it and calls me a psycho and just gaslights the fuck out of me amongst other things.
i got thrown out of my parents house in 2020 the day after i turned 21 and he was my best friend so we moved in together. we moved back to my hometown together and he started going w this guy to all our special places and doing everything we did. the worst of it was when he fucking CALLED ME a few days after he left and i ws trying to recuperate at my parents house to BRAG THAT THEY FUCKED. we were both raped as kids and we both have severe vaginismus as a result. and then when i started crying he had the fucking BALLS to tell me i should be proud of him for being able to take smth finally. he had saved me from a previous abusive relationship and i thought even if it didnt last we would still be friends. all he wants to do is hurt me and i cant take it anymore
i do have a new bf and i feel so fucking guilty dumping all this shit on him. hes so much sweeter than my ex and not a manipulative piece of shit. i scared the shit out of him the other day bc i almost did try to ctb but he stopped me. theres no way for me to make him understand he cant save me. i love him so much and he deserves so much better than having to deal w my bullshit all the time
im taking a trip to w him next week to make up for my completely destroyed birthday vacation. when i come home im going to overdose w some alcohol and hopefully slip under the water in my bathtub and drown. im so excited honestly. ive never felt in control of smth like this before.
ive tried writing suicide notes before and ig this doesnt really count as one bc ill still be alive for probably the next 2 weeks at the most, ill wait to come home from my trip bc bf doesnt deserve to find me in a shitty hotel bathroom but i want to at least get out my most basic core thoughts.
dad - i just would have really liked to be comforted instead of lectured. thank you for letting me spend the night when i needed to and the banging dinner you made last time i was over. im sorry i only had the appetite to take 6 bites of it. i love you and please take care of the cat for as long as he sticks around.
brother - if we dont get to see each other again before i do it im sorry. thank you for always being here when i needed you. even just sending each other stupid memes on discord at 3am was so meaningful to me.
grandma - please dont blame yourself for this happening. i know ill never do anything meaningful w my life. if you were the one who found me im sorry. thank you for at least trying to help me overcome this
best friend - thank you for always trying to help me whenever i needed it. youve done so much for me idk where to start. im so sorry we couldnt move in together like we always talked abt in high school. i love you. thank you for everything youve done for me
bf - i love you so so so much. im so sorry i wasnt strong enough for either of us. i cant keep living like this but i cant keep hurting you. you kept telling me how bad he was and you were right. you were right abt everything. im sorry i didnt have the strength to tell him to fuck off sooner. im sorry i kept making excuses for him. i love you so much. im sorry
ex - both of you killed me. not that it matters to you anyways ofc. but you killed me and if i do end up writing a solid suicide note after posting this basic outline im going to make sure everyone in this whole fucking town knows it was both of you that killed me. you never cared in the first place. fuck you
im sorry this turned into such a novel. im horrible at expressing my feelings. im just hurting and i cant wait to be done w it finally
update. ex and i yelled at each other through text and i said some rly horrible things tht i thought would make me feel better but dont. if anything it jst made me more ready
i was already depressed enough to seriously consider ctb BUUUUT my now ex [for clarity hes transmasc, afab but goes by he/they] had to cheat on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. we spent a day at disney bc it was one of the last things i wanted to do before i die bc it was always such a special place for me. i caught him lying at least 10 times abt it [including during our time at the park!!!!!!!!] before throwing him out of the house and he and his new partner continue to fuck w me. everytime i confront ex he denies it and calls me a psycho and just gaslights the fuck out of me amongst other things.
i got thrown out of my parents house in 2020 the day after i turned 21 and he was my best friend so we moved in together. we moved back to my hometown together and he started going w this guy to all our special places and doing everything we did. the worst of it was when he fucking CALLED ME a few days after he left and i ws trying to recuperate at my parents house to BRAG THAT THEY FUCKED. we were both raped as kids and we both have severe vaginismus as a result. and then when i started crying he had the fucking BALLS to tell me i should be proud of him for being able to take smth finally. he had saved me from a previous abusive relationship and i thought even if it didnt last we would still be friends. all he wants to do is hurt me and i cant take it anymore
i do have a new bf and i feel so fucking guilty dumping all this shit on him. hes so much sweeter than my ex and not a manipulative piece of shit. i scared the shit out of him the other day bc i almost did try to ctb but he stopped me. theres no way for me to make him understand he cant save me. i love him so much and he deserves so much better than having to deal w my bullshit all the time
im taking a trip to w him next week to make up for my completely destroyed birthday vacation. when i come home im going to overdose w some alcohol and hopefully slip under the water in my bathtub and drown. im so excited honestly. ive never felt in control of smth like this before.
ive tried writing suicide notes before and ig this doesnt really count as one bc ill still be alive for probably the next 2 weeks at the most, ill wait to come home from my trip bc bf doesnt deserve to find me in a shitty hotel bathroom but i want to at least get out my most basic core thoughts.
dad - i just would have really liked to be comforted instead of lectured. thank you for letting me spend the night when i needed to and the banging dinner you made last time i was over. im sorry i only had the appetite to take 6 bites of it. i love you and please take care of the cat for as long as he sticks around.
brother - if we dont get to see each other again before i do it im sorry. thank you for always being here when i needed you. even just sending each other stupid memes on discord at 3am was so meaningful to me.
grandma - please dont blame yourself for this happening. i know ill never do anything meaningful w my life. if you were the one who found me im sorry. thank you for at least trying to help me overcome this
best friend - thank you for always trying to help me whenever i needed it. youve done so much for me idk where to start. im so sorry we couldnt move in together like we always talked abt in high school. i love you. thank you for everything youve done for me
bf - i love you so so so much. im so sorry i wasnt strong enough for either of us. i cant keep living like this but i cant keep hurting you. you kept telling me how bad he was and you were right. you were right abt everything. im sorry i didnt have the strength to tell him to fuck off sooner. im sorry i kept making excuses for him. i love you so much. im sorry
ex - both of you killed me. not that it matters to you anyways ofc. but you killed me and if i do end up writing a solid suicide note after posting this basic outline im going to make sure everyone in this whole fucking town knows it was both of you that killed me. you never cared in the first place. fuck you
im sorry this turned into such a novel. im horrible at expressing my feelings. im just hurting and i cant wait to be done w it finally
update. ex and i yelled at each other through text and i said some rly horrible things tht i thought would make me feel better but dont. if anything it jst made me more ready
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