I understand your point of view with regard to the ideology, but it's unfortunate that you must cope with it. I wish you the best of luck on your planned death date… March 14th.
Although there aren't many things you can do to change your situation, moving out if you can would be a good idea because living in an abusive home stinks. Realistically speaking, you are under no obligations after the age of 18, so I do not understand why you continue to let them abuse you or hurt you; perhaps letting them know how you feel about it may be a good course of action, so you can remove one of the bullet points you mentioned in your post. Whatever they may have done, it may be tough love, but perhaps - not all could be moving out at the age of 18 or older due to circumstances, so I'd assume it's good to work on that; I'm sure you've thought of that idea previously. Going with the idea that it may be something good to do now.
It's important to understand the underlying reasons why they are treating you the way they are, whether it's because of their society that influenced them to be the way that they are or because they may have experienced similar treatment as children. Parents shape how we define ourselves, so the best way to break the pattern is to interact with other people, which I suppose you don't do enough of, as you mention feeling like an outcast. Although you can always make sure YOUR child doesn't receive the same treatment as you if you have your eye on a few aspects of your future, I think that if you find the cause of such reasons = half of the issue will be resolved.
XXXXXXX DELETED PART ( Parts of message had to be moderated for whatever reason, but I did not want to wait, and needed to give you my opinion in regards to your issue asap. Hopefully it gets approved so you can see everything to what I wrote so I could delete this one.
In terms of drowning yourself, your survival instincts will undoubtedly get in the way, unless you've transcended the sensation, but I just like to wonder why we humans even have those (probably evolution and survival of the fittest kind of things if you believe in the sciences). In any case, the concept of causing oneself even more anguish sounds excruciatingly terrible.
However, if you were only inflicting minor pain on yourself, that would be okay too, at least in my opinion. To be honest, you have four options here, at least to me: you can either deal with it in the hopes that things will get better for you; keep harming yourself, which may provide some temporary relief but will eventually return you to your suffering state; try to kill yourself using risky methods, which will either burden your state; or if you do kill yourself, do nothing and you'll be a memory, which would be a last resort.
You want to mutilate yourself, but you also intend to drown, so you should think again about how you'll even be able to perform the mutilations if you're already in a serious condition. I read that you are in a state where even if the chronic pain did not have any effect on you whatsoever, this goes right back to your ideologies: "actions have consequences." This same quote applies to you, as equally as it does to anyone else.
That, and the desire to not be unhappy. A person who is unhappy and can't see any way of becoming happy will choose the oblivion that death offers. No doubt, the desire to live is strong, but it's hardly the basis of everything we do.
In terms of your boyfriend, maybe that indicates you do not prefer long-distance relationships if you haven't seen him for X amount of time. Although I don't know as to why you're not seeing him, I cannot make any assumptions, but that does show there is a person who genuinely cares for you, right? You carved his name onto yourself, which is great to hear you cherish him, although I feel like and consider it to be the same thing as writing his name up on a piece of paper, and I suppose it shows your appreciation towards him, if you were not to self-harm, that would have been the outcome of that, so I suppose it's fine in your case. That's just me, though.
But once we're depressed, "we're just waiting" for something amazing to happen; as you've mentioned, you'll delay your death if something amazing happens to you, so I suppose it's critical for you to figure out what makes you happy and follow that.
Being in a state such as this is unavoidable. We won't feel happy all the time; a lot of people are prone to stay in such periods of time and never try to get out of them, or perhaps stay in that state of line for longer than it is necessary so they slip into reclusiveness.
We prefer to wait, and as you mentioned, you're a great example of this: we wait for a happy occasion or something that would make us feel "unsad" and bring us to the life we've always wanted. Yet, realistically speaking, the chances of some sort of "spark of hope" happening are unlikely. We enjoy happiness, and that is what keeps us going.
In some ways, it's true that changing our thinking is the first step towards altering our behaviours and lives, but how exactly can you change your attitude at random so that you may start living wisely? In terms of self-help, everything becomes essentially the same because words are only so powerful. So perhaps that is the main reason why you hear the same cliched advice. I may fall into that same category, but it does not matter; my word, the word of others on this thread would not do much, as it comes down to your choices.
Every time life changes, it is because one should make a conscious effort to live differently. By doing so, you can alter your way of thinking, and actions reflect thoughts. Trying something new, breaking the mold, and acting differently makes one feel upbeat, energized, and lively. It may be hard, but thats something you need to put effort into in order to achieve. Please try harder, even though you have, and I appreciate you for it.
When someone is suffering from the agony of depression, they frequently feel unworthy, pointless, and meaningless. They also frequently feel like a burden to others and are most likely social outcasts, so you are dealing with a sense of exclusion. Because depression is an irrational condition, when other people look at us, it reinforces our irrational thinking and everything mentioned above, which of course makes us feel much worse. Even while we are wearing our socially acceptable mask, we believe that these other people can still see who we "truly" are. Their criticism, whether real or imagined, hurts like a punch in the belly. I can see why, but all you need to do is find people who accept you. "The world will accept the judgment you set on yourself," is a statement that describes how you perceive yourself.
And so you mentioning yourself as an outcast will make me think you are one, and you thinking that you are an outcast will make others treat you like one.
Although I must edit my post to add more information about why you harm others: So you just want other people to think of you and notice you for you, That's a nice declaration of your egotistical wishes for others to see you and acknowledge you, but hey, wouldn't it be cool if you discovered your own worth before others did, so they would see you? Your worth is not what you represent it to be or the way it is right now, as I am sure, although if you think leaving is the right thing to do, by all means go for it, no one is holding you back.
It's true that I have no personal experience with your life and never will. But, even if someone can connect to you, their level of sorrow differs from yours, though I wouldn't call it toxic. It's reasonable that pro-lifers give you cause for concern, but ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether to leave this lovely world or remain in this dreadful one. Even if some of us claim to care, some do, concern is a genuine emotion for some people. That's part of humanity, realistically; maybe our approach is wrong, but that's the way we show care.
You do realize that society as a whole appears to view you as someone weak and pitiful, so while perhaps everyone will speak of you for a little while, maybe even hours, at some point no one will care about you anymore. People on this site, me included, don't see you as someone such as that, but not everyone has access to this site, and this ideology of yours will not be understood, so I'm not sure how the outcome may come out. If you survive your attempt, you'll come back to your senses; as you said, people will ask how you are, and you'll get the "viral" desire you want while you're in the hospital for a while, in physical pain. You don't deserve that; you strive for change, to be the opposite of what you are.
A lot of people die; actions do have consequences, so it won't teach sense to anyone. Individuals die every day in America or wherever you are, so please be aware that whatever happened to them will also happen to you. You'll be topped off with another statistical date.
I'm glad to hear that you've addressed your own difficulties and are looking out for your best interests, even though you've been thinking about it for over a year now. Although I tend to have a middle-of-the-road view of this topic in general, it's sad that things haven't been going well for you. Nonetheless, I do believe you have the strength to get through this the same way you did before. It's sort of annoying to wait and wait as change never occurs; you'll see within a few years. Perhaps you're doing it for yourself since you did share your goals with everyone. And perhaps you did it for yourself all along; in that case, how could anyone recognize your abilities?
The choice is up to you. Goodluck.
