Taking your own life is an extremely hard decision and involves a lot of emotions, so it's absolutely understandable. I have been suicidal since childhood and yet I am still here. Don't beat yourself up, if you couldn't take it, means it's not your time yet.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It can be very difficult to ctb as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. I know it can be very dreadful living an miserable existence. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
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