Venting i can’t do it

[gardenfairy]

i hate that i feel like this but i don't want to die. in my heart i know i don't deserve to die and i feel sad for myself, i know i have so much to give and i think im a good person but it's so painful to be alive. every time i try i just stare at the rope and cry and i cant bring myself to do it even though i dont want to do this any more. i just dont want to live in this body with this mind but i dont want to die and so i dont know what to do.. i feel so trapped and all my brain will say is that i want to go home - even when im at my house. i dont even know where home is then. inside my head its like i just want my life to be different and i want to be a different person but its been almost 12 years of feeling like this and nothing has changed and i dont know if it ever can so why cant i just accept that my only option is to end it? it just leaves me in this horrible trapped middle ground of agony where i cant die but i cant live and i hate it. it physically hurts and i just dont know what to do.

 

[UglyLife82]

I can really relate. It's a very confusing feeling, wanting to stay and simultaneously feeling like you need to go.

 

[kazatte]

i know exactly how you feel; you're not alone in this at all. it seems like yours is one of those situations where you don't know if you want to go or not, to which i will tell you: don't. if you're not ready, don't. i know you don't want to live in pain anymore and i understand that feeling completely

if it helps, even though i don't know you, i think you're a good person too + i also don't think you deserve to die

 

[gardenfairy]

I can really relate. It's a very confusing feeling, wanting to stay and simultaneously feeling like you need to go.

im sorry you feel like this too :( it really is horrible, when you can't make things different but your heart won't let go.

 

[UglyLife82]

im sorry you feel like this too :( it really is horrible, when you can't make things different but your heart won't let go.

CTB is a massive decision. Maybe the biggest any of us will make. It's best to be sure, and I guess we just aren't yet.

Wishing you the best

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

It's difficult
But imo you gotta be 100% sure.

 

[gardenfairy]

i know exactly how you feel; you're not alone in this at all. it seems like yours is one of those situations where you don't know if you want to go or not, to which i will tell you: don't. if you're not ready, don't. i know you don't want to live in pain anymore and i understand that feeling completely

if it helps, even though i don't know you, i think you're a good person too + i also don't think you deserve to die

i know :( i think the reason i can't bring myself to do it is bc i know that im not ready, i just wish i was if that makes sense? idk

also thank u for saying that, it means more than u know :( <3