Venting I can't do anything for myself

[Mr2005]

It's why I'm in this mess. Wanted plastic surgery but didn't do anything about it. Now I want a gun but I'm not doing anything about it either. The big joke is I only want it so I can find out if anyone would have done surgery. If it's no I might be able to live with it, if it's yes I'm gone and need something I can rely on. I beat myself up for it constantly and could do it so easily now yet getting a gun must be like how I found finding a surgeon then. I'm exactly the same. Pathetic and I fucking hate technology. You need this proximity of so and so server for 1080p of 5g. Will it all kindly fuck off?!

 

[WelcomingPain]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you want plastic surgery?

 

[Mr2005]

Because I wasn't happy with my appearance. Not enough to do anything about it though clearly. Instead I just destroyed my own life as a fuck you to my parents for not helping. Now I want to kill myself

 

[WelcomingPain]

Aw, I'm sorry you weren't happy with yourself. But yeah, I considered destroying my own life just to fuck with my parents and make them feel like failures, but I realized I would only be hurting myself

 

[Mr2005]

^
At least one of us came to our senses before it was too late. As much as I hate them at times it doesn't come close to how much I hate myself. Between the three of us we couldn't bang our heads together and do a simple task in fifteen years. It would be funny if my life didn't depend on it. Disastrous is the only way to describe it

 

[Science Is Scary]

If I understand correctly, it sounds like you're having trouble completing tasks you want to complete. Do you think there's a particular reason for that (medical or otherwise)?

 

[WelcomingPain]

It sucks to have parents that tend to always disapprove of you and stuff like that. I can completely understand why you wanted to rebel. I think there is a good chance you could turn things around though. I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but it sound to me like you just wanna get your life back on track, not necessarily die. Correct me if I'm wrong though lol

 

[Mr2005]

I think key to it is anything I put effort into now only makes me feel more pathetic about my failings. Of course this could just be another excuse not to do anything but when it's things I want to do it doesn't add up. I've procrastinated for so long I fall asleep and another years passed. I started a cycle that I can't break. Fear of failure is always there. The knowledge if I don't end it now I will just get to fifty and feel even worse. It seems out of my hands now but there's something stopping me from doing what I have to as well. Either what I've already said or something else

 

[WelcomingPain]

Maybe there's a part of you that wants to keep trying? Like maybe your SI is too strong, or maybe you do want to fix things, but you can't find the motivation.

 

[Mr2005]

It sucks to have parents that tend to always disapprove of you and stuff like that. I can completely understand why you wanted to rebel. I think there is a good chance you could turn things around though. I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but it sound to me like you just wanna get your life back on track, not necessarily die. Correct me if I'm wrong though lol

I think it's too late for that. Don't get me wrong if I had the choice of a time machine or gun I wouldn't choose the gun but I don't. As it is can't even get either. Did all I could to change the fucking past though so if it were possible I think I'd know. That whole experience was painful because had I just made that effort in the first place I wouldn't have had to. Or dare I say had my parents just done it. I'm not debating whether they should have and know it was my responsibility but doesn't change the fact they could have. We all could have. No one did anything. I guess I just can't be desperate enough because as horrendous as I feel it took flat out desperation to override the depression and general lethargy

 

[WelcomingPain]

I think it's too late for that. Don't get me wrong if I had the choice of a time machine or gun I wouldn't choose the gun but I don't.

I understand. Not gonna try preach some sort of "Stay alive" message because I know, from my own experience, how annoying those can be. I do hope you explore all options though. Make an informed decision, and don't be afraid to go with your gut.