I can't die....I think I'm gonna lose my mind!

[Realityisawful]

I'm autistic, have PTSD, severe ADHD and horrible executive dysfunction, and untreated fibromyalgia due to lack of health care. I was bullied by students AND teachers in school. I've been a hikikomori for the past several years, since graduating high school. I'm too disabled to find work. My hunch was proven right when I did a job interview earlier this week for a data entry job. I made a complete fool out of myself. My anxiety got the best of me. I couldn't complete sentences, I didn't understand some things people were asking me. The interviewer actually laughed at me. Of course I left them my number and never got a call back. It brought up the worst traumatic experiences that I dealt with in the past. It confirmed that I can't work. And I can't get on disability, either...I tried several times in the past couple of years and took my case to court.

I've had extreme trouble finding a suicide partner here. Its a catch 22 sitution. Cant work, can't afford suicide materials like SN and antiemetics. Which means I'm stuck here in this horrible situation, living with narcissistic family members who taunt me and remind me of how much of a failure I am (which theyre right). I cant go on like this anymore. I've had headaches for the past week, my eyes have been sore for the past few months, having increased diffculty thinking. I really am losing my mind, and I feel like I'm gonna lose control and maybe do something bad soon! Oh man I think I'm gonna lose it.

 

[braketimez]

I'm autistic, have PTSD, severe ADHD and horrible executive dysfunction, and untreated fibromyalgia due to lack of health care. I was bullied by students AND teachers in school. I've been a hikikomori for the past several years, since graduating high school. I'm too disabled to find work. My hunch was proven right when I did a job interview earlier this week for a data entry job. I made a complete fool out of myself. My anxiety got the best of me. I couldn't complete sentences, I didn't understand some things people were asking me. The interviewer actually laughed at me. Of course I left them my number and never got a call back. It brought up the worst traumatic experiences that I dealt with in the past. It confirmed that I can't work. And I can't get on disability, either...I tried several times in the past couple of years and took my case to court.

I've had extreme trouble finding a suicide partner here. Its a catch 22 sitution. Cant work, can't afford suicide materials like SN and antiemetics. Which means I'm stuck here in this horrible situation, living with narcissistic family members who taunt me and remind me of how much of a failure I am (which theyre right). I cant go on like this anymore. I've had headaches for the past week, my eyes have been sore for the past few months, having increased diffculty thinking. I really am losing my mind, and I feel like I'm gonna lose control and maybe do something bad soon! Oh man I think I'm gonna lose it.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. What kind of bad thing could you see yourself doing soon?

 

[Realityisawful]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. What kind of bad thing could you see yourself doing soon?

I don't know......

 

[braketimez]

I don't know......

What exactly are you feeling right now?

 

[Realityisawful]

What exactly are you feeling right now?

Frustrated, difficulty seeing

 

[braketimez]

Frustrated, difficulty seeing

Difficulty seeing emotionally or physically?

 

[Realityisawful]

Difficulty seeing emotionally or physically?

It hurts reading.

 

[Realityisawful]

Its never ok to hurt anyone else in your quest to ctb. You should seek help if those feelings are strong. Talk it out with us here if you need to!

Uh...that's not what I meant....

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am sorry for all your suffering.

 

[Realityisawful]

At this point all I want is someone to die with....

 

[Otter]

Uh...that's not what I meant....

Ok sorry for misinterpreting... I will delete my post in a few minutes.

 

[Realityisawful]

I really wish there was a way for me to get my hands on SN...

 

[autumnal]

You said you don't qualify for disability payments, but can you at least get some Government-funded counseling or therapy? It might help make things more bearable in the meantime while you consider other options.

 

[Realityisawful]

You said you don't qualify for disability payments, but can you at least get some Government-funded counseling or therapy? It might help make things more bearable in the meantime while you consider other options.

I've already decided I want to die. So why would I feel like talking to someone would help me when I have no motivation to live? And I have some bad experiences with traditional psychotherapy...

 

[autumnal]

I've already decided I want to die. So why would I feel like talking to someone would help me when I have no motivation to live? And I have some bad experiences with traditional psychotherapy...

Fair enough, I was just covering all the bases.

 

[Forever Wandering]

Better find a method before you lose your mind.

 

[Realityisawful]

Better find a method before you lose your mind.

Ive come up with several. The N cocktail (check my post history) and I have an SN one from Stans guide. I just don't have any money so I can't buy the materials.

 

[Ghassane]

It's like i was reading about my self i too have autism i have the Aspergers disorder, got OCD for almost my hall life it ruined me im now righting this and cant stop my self from counting the lines and repeating sentences, eating problems, anixiety and depression also got bullied my hall life from everyone i live with a narcissistic father that abused the life out of me since for ever phisically and mentally and still, im 22 and still got no job not because im stupid but because i can't make a single move while ppl around, family think im crazy they treat me like a dog I've been trying to hang my self for months but i just cant pass out i also have eyes problems i was born with a dead eye and the other one is getting worst year after year although i spent a lot of time from a hospital to another it doesn't look like it helped, I'm losing my mind can't stop talking to my self sometimes loud witch creeps ppl out, i feel that if i kept living I'll end up a crazy blind dog, i have all the excuses to hate the fuck out of this joke of a life.
u talked about a suicide partner what it this ? anyway im pretty sure their is a lot more ppl than we think with similar shit.

 

[Realityisawful]

It's like i was reading about my self i too have autism i have the Aspergers disorder, got OCD for almost my hall life it ruined me im now righting this and cant stop my self from counting the lines and repeating sentences, eating problems, anixiety and depression also got bullied my hall life from everyone i live with a narcissistic father that abused the life out of me since for ever phisically and mentally and still, im 22 and still got no job not because im stupid but because i can't make a single move while ppl around, family think im crazy they treat me like a dog I've been trying to hang my self for months but i just cant pass out i also have eyes problems i was born with a dead eye and the other one is getting worst year after year although i spent a lot of time from a hospital to another it doesn't look like it helped, I'm losing my mind can't stop talking to my self sometimes loud witch creeps ppl out, i feel that if i kept living I'll end up a crazy blind dog, i have all the excuses to hate the fuck out of this joke of a life.
u talked about a suicide partner what it this ? anyway im pretty sure their is a lot more ppl than we think with similar shit.

There's a "Partners megathread" you can post in and people will message you.

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

What county are you in? Could you try a job where you only basically send in an application? With the first paycheck, even minimum wage, you'd have for than enough money in the US within a week. Other countries are often... better with minimum wage, so even more. Otherwise, I am not completely aware of your circumstances, so there may or may not be other paths. Good luck.

 

[Realityisawful]

What county are you in? Could you try a job where you only basically send in an application? With the first paycheck, even minimum wage, you'd have for than enough money in the US within a week. Other countries are often... better with minimum wage, so even more. Otherwise, I am not completely aware of your circumstances, so there may or may not be other paths. Good luck.

I volunteered a while ago and made a complete fool out of myself. Part of being autistic is that you get executive function problems that make it hard with short term memory and focusing on multitasking. I'm just entirely useless when it comes to anything physical job-wise. I've always struggled. I went to technical high school as a teenager and tried studying computer networking, and then culinary arts. I fucked up constantly, and had very traumatic experiences with bullying that made me a hikikomori and is why Ive never had a job, even a minimum wage one. I manage to find new ways to fuck up consistently: doesn't matter if it's being a cashier (there was an event in high school where we raised money for charity and I was a cashier, and I made mistakes constantly, gave people the wrong amount of money back a lot), or cooking, or fixing computers. It's humiliating. Every task I've ever had, I either can't remember instructions, can't do things on time, I do it wrong, or I don't understand exactly what I'm supposed to do even after it's been explained. I've been called mentally handicapped behind my back, people have become (understandably) frustrated, it's absolutely humiliating. I don't know how to fix it. Everything I've done I've fucked up like this. I don't know how I can possibly move faster or make sure I do things correct the first time. I understand everyone makes mistakes, but I make them way more than most people. And I don't blame anyone for being frustrated. I'm more frustrated than they are. I always think, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Just do things the way everyone else does. Why the fuck can you never, for once, just do something normally like everyone else in the world?" This is a big reason why I'm killing myself. I've wasted so much of my life because of this. Of course....the other reasons for me killing myself are: being autistic, having PTSD from family abuse, being uneducated with no career prospects because of severe treatment resistant ADHD, not being able to live up to high standards for myself, and being unattractive.

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

I volunteered a while ago and made a complete fool out of myself. Part of being autistic is that you get executive function problems that make it hard with short term memory and focusing on multitasking. I'm just entirely useless when it comes to anything physical job-wise. I've always struggled. I went to technical high school as a teenager and tried studying computer networking, and then culinary arts. I fucked up constantly, and had very traumatic experiences with bullying that made me a hikikomori and is why Ive never had a job, even a minimum wage one. I manage to find new ways to fuck up consistently: doesn't matter if it's being a cashier (there was an event in high school where we raised money for charity and I was a cashier, and I made mistakes constantly, gave people the wrong amount of money back a lot), or cooking, or fixing computers. It's humiliating. Every task I've ever had, I either can't remember instructions, can't do things on time, I do it wrong, or I don't understand exactly what I'm supposed to do even after it's been explained. I've been called mentally handicapped behind my back, people have become (understandably) frustrated, it's absolutely humiliating. I don't know how to fix it. Everything I've done I've fucked up like this. I don't know how I can possibly move faster or make sure I do things correct the first time. I understand everyone makes mistakes, but I make them way more than most people. And I don't blame anyone for being frustrated. I'm more frustrated than they are. I always think, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Just do things the way everyone else does. Why the fuck can you never, for once, just do something normally like everyone else in the world?" This is a big reason why I'm killing myself. I've wasted so much of my life because of this. Of course....the other reasons for me killing myself are: being autistic, having PTSD from family abuse, being uneducated with no career prospects because of severe treatment resistant ADHD, not being able to live up to high standards for myself, and being unattractive.

Disability being rejected makes everything else 1000x more difficult. Could you do benefits.gov to see if you apply for any other monetary or living assistance? Could you do a driving-based job, like waitr?

Have you looked into a community health center or free health clinic? They often have psychiatrists for free-cheap. Or, you can try and find psychiatrists instead of psychotherapists at https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/. Psychiatrists can offer you medications, medical procedures, and more, instead of therapy which you stated you have a negative experience with. Make sure to call the facilities in advanced to check if they have these resources. Good luck.

 

[diyCTB]

I am sorry my friend. I have similar problems

 

[Depressive1995]

Although I have Sn and everything to suicide I just can't do it. Although since years I cant bear the psychic pain I dont dare to finally kill myself because of an invisible, undefined border... It's unbelievable

 

[Fadinglife]

Oh dear! My heart goes out for you. You seem trapped. I can relate to you. I'm so sorry. I have been you place. Everyday on edge. Staying on call with someone or texts helped aviod impulsivity. I really don't wanna remember that stage. I need wanna be there again. I wish don't exit to witness it again. If need be feel freel to talk to me. I don't want you to be alone in this.
Lots of love and hugs

 

[applegreenicecream]

I really wish there was a way for me to get my hands on SN...

I don't know where you are based in the world, but SN isn't expensive. I paid £10 for 50g recently on Ebay. I'm in the UK and it came from Poland.