Venting I can’t deal with this anymore (being the black sheep of the family)

[Nekohime]

Hello

I am currently writing this alone in my room, I politely excused myself from the party that I am at because I was about to cry in front of everyone.

I can't do this anymore, I can't do the facade anymore for my family. I held on because I no longer live alone and I didn't want to burden my sister with my 'dead person fumes' in her house, but I can't do this anymore.

To those that host every single family celebration on your own, you will understand my pain. Where you spend weeks preparing and dealing with various schedules and all the cleaning and cost involved, only to have your family be ungrateful for your effort.

I have a big family, so a lot of birthdays, and then there is Christmas. I host every single celebration, and it isn't easy. Also, it is expensive. But at every celebration I am disrespected, ignored and spoken over by all of my family. When it comes to my own birthday I still have to arrange everything and pay for everything, and even then some family members forget my birthday or don't show up and then text me 2 weeks later, only remembering my birthday because they needed something from me.

I am so worthless to them. While they were blowing out candles on a cake they did not wait for me to get back from the toilet, I know they would wait for my other siblings, but I was not there and they did not care, they started the birthday singing without me. They didn't call for me or even try to wait, it was like I just didn't exist, even though I put the whole celebration together.

I have had multiple confirmations over the years that I am the black sheep of the family and that my family does not truly love me, I think I've had one too many confirmations, and I am at my breaking point

Please do not think that the reason I want to kill myself is just because they started blowing out the candles without me, it is years and years of being ignored, insulted and excluded from the rest of the family - and I have just dealt with it one too many times and am at my breaking point.

I am not going to hold onto this hell of a life for a family that doesn't even notice my absence. In my life all I wish for is for someone to care about me like I care about them, put effort into our relationship that I put into it and for fucks sake notice when I'm absent. The amount of times I ran away from home as a kid and was out for hours before my mum noticed I was missing.

When I did a major overdose and almost died and I was in hospital on a drip, my mum refused to come see me, when the nurse heard this, there was this look of pity on her face. I am so used to the look of pity from telling various doctors, partners and teachers about the abuse I have received from my family.

I thought once I become an adult it will be ok, like it's an even playing field now because it's no longer kid vs adult, or kid vs teen. But, it's still the same.

Thanks for letting me rant, in short it never stops hurting to know that you are the black sheep of the family, and that your existence isn't exactly wanted by the people that are supposed to be the ones you can depend on for love the most.

 

[Teddybear]

I know its a dumb question but still: You "have a big family" - but do you need one?

If they make life that unbearable for you, why not just part company with them and go your own way? You don't even need to explain it to them. Just pack a few things, get up and leave.

Just don't make the mistake to look back (as I did).

 

[makethepainstop]

Hello

I am currently writing this alone in my room, I politely excused myself from the party that I am at because I was about to cry in front of everyone.

I can't do this anymore, I can't do the facade anymore for my family. I held on because I no longer live alone and I didn't want to burden my sister with my 'dead person fumes' in her house, but I can't do this anymore.

To those that host every single family celebration on your own, you will understand my pain. Where you spend weeks preparing and dealing with various schedules and all the cleaning and cost involved, only to have your family be ungrateful for your effort.

I have a big family, so a lot of birthdays, and then there is Christmas. I host every single celebration, and it isn't easy. Also, it is expensive. But at every celebration I am disrespected, ignored and spoken over by all of my family. When it comes to my own birthday I still have to arrange everything and pay for everything, and even then some family members forget my birthday or don't show up and then text me 2 weeks later, only remembering my birthday because they needed something from me.

I am so worthless to them. While they were blowing out candles on a cake they did not wait for me to get back from the toilet, I know they would wait for my other siblings, but I was not there and they did not care, they started the birthday singing without me. They didn't call for me or even try to wait, it was like I just didn't exist, even though I put the whole celebration together.

I have had multiple confirmations over the years that I am the black sheep of the family and that my family does not truly love me, I think I've had one too many confirmations, and I am at my breaking point

Please do not think that the reason I want to kill myself is just because they started blowing out the candles without me, it is years and years of being ignored, insulted and excluded from the rest of the family - and I have just dealt with it one too many times and am at my breaking point.

I am not going to hold onto this hell of a life for a family that doesn't even notice my absence. In my life all I wish for is for someone to care about me like I care about them, put effort into our relationship that I put into it and for fucks sake notice when I'm absent. The amount of times I ran away from home as a kid and was out for hours before my mum noticed I was missing.

When I did a major overdose and almost died and I was in hospital on a drip, my mum refused to come see me, when the nurse heard this, there was this look of pity on her face. I am so used to the look of pity from telling various doctors, partners and teachers about the abuse I have received from my family.

I thought once I become an adult it will be ok, like it's an even playing field now because it's no longer kid vs adult, or kid vs teen. But, it's still the same.

Thanks for letting me rant, in short it never stops hurting to know that you are the black sheep of the family, and that your existence isn't exactly wanted by the people that are supposed to be the ones you can depend on for love the most.

If something is that toxic to you and your happiness, if at all possible...get away from your tormentors. Much love to you. Be glad you are not me; I am the black sheep son of my black sheep mom! Now there is some torment.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really painful being in that situation and it's awful how many other people just create more suffering in this world. Your feelings are understandable and the unfortunate reality is that some people can just be so cruel. But I wish you the best.

 

[searchingforpeace]

My family invited me to Thanksgiving and I was looking forward to it but then they treat you like you don't exist and don't even let me talk whatsoever so I know what it is like.

 

[complexptsd]

Hey Nekohime, just want to say I empathize. I am definitely the black sheep of my family. A queer person in a very conservative religious family--doesn't get much more uncomfortable. I don't have any advice, just know you're not alone. There's lots of us out here that don't feel like we really belong or are loved by our families. I wish we could all find each other and form one giant family of misfits and outcasts.