Each day I get worse. I'm barely able to get 3 hours of sleep a night (and that's with taking meds) my brain doesn't function anymore, I have no feelings except severe depression and anxiety/panic, am completely apathetic. Doctor just started me on lithium and I feel worse on it (I'm not even bipolar) I can barely leave the house severe anhedonia and anti social. I don't recognize myself at all anymore. I used to be extremely happy, successful career, lots of friends, always doing something. Now I shower maybe every 10 days (and get a panic stack when doing so), don't brush my teeth, barely eat or drink water. I hate every minute of everyday sleep used to be my escape but now that's gone too. cognitively impaired because of depression anxiety so severe, meds, sleep deprivation. And yet no way to end it and family pressuring me to get better. i just want to die NOW
Anyone els this miserable and desperate to go?
Chalken
Decaying
- Nov 20, 2018
- 214
Yeah, I know what you mean. Whenever I have a good moment (very rarely), I spiral back into even worse depression than before. Life is hell, man. Only thing keeping me here is my parents.
It has gotten so bad for me, the mental pain and anguish, that I have no feelings anymore. I think that the absolute worst thing in the world for me because I used to be a very feeling person.
yes im the same and very desperate to end it
Chalken
Decaying
- Nov 20, 2018
- 214
I get you. I go days feeling completely empty and numb, to days where I'm constantly on the verge of crying.
suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
Yes.. My survival instinct is keeping me trapped.. I have nobody, I come from an abusive family, my friends betrayed me.. It's just me and my new job. If something happens to me, job loss or sickness, I might end up homeless.. And given that my survival instinct is too strong, I might end up having to put up with it.
I honestly don't know how I manage to remain sort of numb to it all. I even manage to sound funny and relaxed at work. How do I do it, when I'm hanging by a thread? I don't know. I don't know if I'm shallow or strong, or both.
How on earth did I end up like this? I lived my youth with the conviction that I'll commit suicide if things don't go well or if I reach some negative philosophical conclusion. Little did I know that I was a delusional prisoner.
SI sucks. It's amazing how our lives are so miserable yet we can't go through with it. I can think of no greater hell
I'm impressed you can hold it together at work. I am struggling
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suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
Me neither :(. I used to think of hell as the inability to escape an enemy, but to be unable to escape myself.. to be my own prisoner and prison keeper.. that's a whole new level.
Yes, I'm just waiting for the N to show up. Yes my situation just adds to the desperation. I just hope I can do it when it comes down to it. I feel fairly confident that I'll succeed. It's still scary and I wish I didn't have to do it alone. I'll try to make it at least a pleasant final day.
azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
Alchemist
Warlock
- Apr 3, 2019
- 709
I feel the same. I know once I have N there's no turning back and it's just matter of having everything ready. I desire and it scares me at the same time.
