Venting i cannot keep living like this

[cirtruspeelsrotting]

i genuinely have to die, i cannot keep living like this. i am not diagnosed with anything because i cannot talk about anything, ever. every time i tried going to therapy it never worked because my mind puts up a wall and i can't get anything out. any progress ever made always fades away until i'm right back where i started. i've had to carry the consequences of my mom's actions my entire life and i'm sick and tired of it. i am convinced that the only way i will ever be at peace is when i am dead. i have gone the through diagnostic criteria and i believe i qualify to be diagnosed with bpd based on what i concluded. i have suspected bpd for many years now and it has fucked with me for so long. no matter how hard i've tried i cannot fix it. i cannot fix myself, and i don't think i even want to anymore. i want to rot away and return to dust. i'm done trying. i've tried way too hard for way too long.