Venting I cannot describe the feeling of wanting to die but not wanting to die

[Josef2000]

I would love nothing more than to ctb, however after seeing my mum & little brother hold each other crying over my cat I don't think I could attempt suicide and do that to them. So I'm stuck in this feeling of wanting to die but I can't.
I honestly don't know how to describe it, I mean it feels that my life will still continue but I don't have a choice in the matter

 

[Imamistakendumarsse]

I would love nothing more than to ctb, however after seeing my mum & little brother hold each other crying over my cat I don't think I could attempt suicide and do that to them. So I'm stuck in this feeling of wanting to die but I can't.
I honestly don't know how to describe it, I mean it feels that my life will still continue but I don't have a choice in the matter

I feel u man...im staying because my mum and younger brother....but i dont know if or how long they will keep me here

 

[oneofthoseyoudontwan]

they will be heartbroken, thinking in those things connected me with my most empatic self, i prefer to fight , that doing so much damage to my mum.

 

[Imamistakendumarsse]

they will be heartbroken, thinking in those things connected me with my most empatic self, i prefer to fight , that doing so much damage to my mum.

Yes they will be....but i cant think of continuing...atheist i hope i get the courage to ctb

 

[IMissJiggs]

I would love nothing more than to ctb, however after seeing my mum & little brother hold each other crying over my cat I don't think I could attempt suicide and do that to them. So I'm stuck in this feeling of wanting to die but I can't.
I honestly don't know how to describe it, I mean it feels that my life will still continue but I don't have a choice in the matter

This is my first comment ever so if I am not getting it or doing something wrong - please let me know. With that said, I hear what you are saying. I cannot agree with you more.
This is my first comment ever so if I am not getting it or doing something wrong - please let me know. With that said, I hear what you are saying. I cannot agree with you more.

 

[Josef2000]

I feel u man...im staying because my mum and younger brother....but i dont know if or how long they will keep me here

Are you close with your family?

This is my first comment ever so if I am not getting it or doing something wrong - please let me know. With that said, I hear what you are saying. I cannot agree with you more.
This is my first comment ever so if I am not getting it or doing something wrong - please let me know. With that said, I hear what you are saying. I cannot agree with you more.

it's so hard to describe to people who haven't been in the same situation and I'm sorry you feel the same way, I hope you find peace

Yes they will be....but i cant think of continuing...atheist i hope i get the courage to ctb

I'm planning on just self harming for now so I can properly plan my ctb however I act on impulse which is a bit scary. I hope you find peace whether that's by ctb or not

they will be heartbroken, thinking in those things connected me with my most empatic self, i prefer to fight , that doing so much damage to my mum.

I avoid fights at all costs I can't handle that much stress

 

[BPD Barbie]

It's like an itch you can't ever seem to scratch.

 

[Meowkin]

I would love nothing more than to ctb, however after seeing my mum & little brother hold each other crying over my cat I don't think I could attempt suicide and do that to them. So I'm stuck in this feeling of wanting to die but I can't.
I honestly don't know how to describe it, I mean it feels that my life will still continue but I don't have a choice in the matter

I'm sorry that you have one less option now. Good luck. I hope life will be bearable for you. And I'm sorry about your cat.

 

[Josef2000]

I'm sorry that you have one less option now. Good luck. I hope life will be bearable for you. And I'm sorry about your cat.

Thankyou so much, it just seems that when is bearable something always comes along and sets me back. I hope your life is bearable for you too

 

[GoBack]

It's like being torn apart from the inside out

 

[Meowkin]

Thankyou so much, it just seems that when is bearable something always comes along and sets me back. I hope your life is bearable for you too

Thank you. I hope that for myself too.

I get that. It's tempting to destroy everything so there's nothing for life to set back. Good luck whatever you do.

 

[Tintypographer]

You describe it perfectly. You want to catch the bus because everything hurts but don't because that's unknown and that idea hurts almost as much as the pain of existence. That's the description and you are not alone. We understand and we are all sorry you feel this way. Sending you all the good emotional support we can!

 

[bpdteacher]

For me it's a case of, I don't want to die, but I can't stand the thought of living.
I tried to describe it to my partner as wanting to take a mental holiday: like, being able to sleep peacefully to reboot in some way and then wake up rested and ready to fight anew. At the moment it's just day after day after day after day of the same with no rest in between.
But I think that's possibly because having BPD for me feels more like an ongoing struggle rather with inevitable decline than a depressive response to some acute trauma?
Best wishes. X

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Your mind wants to give up and your body wants to go on. I know that feeling. Hope you're doing ok. Wish you the best

 

[I screwed up]

What would be even worse is if I fail in my ctb attempt then I will not be able to face my parents again... They would grieve as much as I if I would have succeeded in my attempt.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

When I first became serious about suicide, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and died six months later. My uncle, dad's only brother, also died suddenly during that time. As soon as my mom was diagnosed (same week my uncle died), I felt like I had no choice but to live. My family was going through so much, I couldn't do it. I was stuck. It was hell. That very first moment of realizing I couldn't was almost two years ago. Since then, my life and circumstances became exceptionally worse. So much worse than I could possibly imagine and now I'm back to that urgency again and I'm too exhausted to wait it out any longer. I really did try. I really did fight, but this is a battle I will not win. I know how you feel. I hope things get better for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[RileyTanaka]

Completion of suicide occurs when your daily pain and suffering outweighs the potential hurt you cause others through your actions. It requires selfishness that becomes justified as a result of unmitigated suffering. So I think if you're looking for a way to overcome survival instinct, probably the biggest thing is time - time to let life get worse, because a lot of the time, it will. I know that sounds fatalistic, but it isn't. It's merely a logical outcome if you already have core problems causing you significant pain now.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Yes, I feel that too. I dont want to die, but I dont want to live. I dont feel guilt for quitting life because my toxic parents deserve to hurt, but Im afraid of what comes after death, afraid of nonexistence and how I cant wrap my head around the idea of not existing. Yet my life is a miserable clusterfuck I no longer want to take part in, so Im just drunk 24/7

 

[Giraffey]

I literally just made a thread about this exact dilemma today, you expressed it so much better than I did.

The way I describe it is like that old Greek myth where Sisyphus has been doomed to push a heavy boulder up an endless hill for the rest of his life. Every day he has the option to keep on pushing despite knowing that he will never reach the top - that the excruciating pain he experiences day will never be worth his struggle.

Yet in my version, he cannot just let go and let the boulder crush him to relieve him of his burden because chained behind him at the bottom of the hill are his friends, family and loved ones. Should he ever let go of the boulder, it won't just be him that gets crushed, it will come for them as well. So it becomes that the only reason he struggles to keep pushing the boulder every day, enduring the pain of a purposeless life is to spare his loved ones from being crushed by the burden he is doomed to carry.

How do you escape from that situation? I have absolutely no idea and I was putting faith that someone far smarter than I am might know better.

 

[NotGonnaLast]

I am lucky that I am the youngest of us kids but I have nieces and nephews that have always been my reason for not doing it but now during the last few months I've realised how much it wouldn't affect them. Most of them don't really know who I am and those that do are either too young to remember me or so used to me not being nearby that it doesn't matter. Not only that but my siblings and I don't really talk, I'm staying with my brother and his family and he has made it very obvious that he doesn't like me as a person and my other brother and sisters have all just never wanted to talk. I have no meaningful relationships left in my life since my dad died and he was abusive.

I remember being in your position but it will likely change. Everything does.

 

[Whatsthepointanyway]

I would love nothing more than to ctb, however after seeing my mum & little brother hold each other crying over my cat I don't think I could attempt suicide and do that to them. So I'm stuck in this feeling of wanting to die but I can't.
I honestly don't know how to describe it, I mean it feels that my life will still continue but I don't have a choice in the matter

Living with constant suicide ideation is painful. If you can't ctb because of the pain you'll cause others, it seems to me you a choice to either throw everything into recovery and hope something sticks or continue living in pain indefinitely. I'm lucky. I have no family to think about.

 

[Whited Sepulchre]

Yes, to be or not to be for others.
Dat is the question indeed.
All my life, everyone keeps teaching me the lesson of the world doesn't owe me anything.
Well, I wasted my life for everyone I cared about and for and so I repay them back wid, I dun owe u anything either.
If ur loved ones want u near and close to them cuz they're scared and worried and need u for themselves and aren't asking u why u wanna leave them behind, then u dun owe them anything.
It's ur life.
Dun let others guilt u to live on suffering.
But if they really hear u and love u and respect ur wishes, u can always go when it's time to go, until then spend happy moments dat will last wid them even after ur gone if u ultimately decide to.

 

[deadmalk]

I struggle with the same thoughts every day. I don't want to be here anymore, but I start thinking about who will find me (and I don't want to traumatize anyone as I was the one who heard and found my 12 year old son last year), and I want my family to be okay (I help my parents and the rest of my family) and I wonder if my wife will be okay when I'm gone , it's just hard because I can't take living every day ( because of my son) and I used to love life until I lost him, and I just start getting confused, but I've been slowly testing partial hanging. It's just tough.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

This is my situation too.

Just thinking about how it will make my parent's lives hell and the mess that will inevitably precipitate holds me back.

The further and further down I get pushed, the less I will consider that in my decision to kill myself — I'll be more likely to go through with it.

In the meantime I'm on autopilot while I figure out how to stay afloat.