Discussion I cannot cope with how up and down my mood has been recently

[thelostautistic]

Usually my baseline mood is very low. I'm just a sad person and I think about suicide daily. It's been this way for nearly 13 years. But recently I've been so up and down and it's really confusing. I ordered my ctb method in early February. My mood was extremely low during January and early February and I spent a lot of time on the forum. But now I feel slightly more motivated and actually want to give life another go. Feeling this way is so atypical for me and I don't know if I like it or how long it will last. Part of me wants to self sabotage because I'm not used to this. I know it's normal for mood to fluctuate but this just feels strange. How do I really feel? Is this just me having a few good days and a crash is waiting around the corner? I just don't know what I want anymore. Like my username I'm just feeling lost. I feel scared to die but scared to live as well.

 

[apooka]

i completely get you! honestly, i'm pretty similar but i have decently long high points. there may always be a crash waiting, but at least currently, at this point in time, you're feeling good! i think give yourself a bit more time and see how it goes. living is a scary thing, and honestly the fluctuation between ups and downs makes it feel like it'd be so much easier to die, rather than keep living. but life is so good during the highs, it makes you want to keep going, at least for a little bit!

have you been doing anything recently that you think has contributed to feeling better?

 

[thelostautistic]

i completely get you! honestly, i'm pretty similar but i have decently long high points. there may always be a crash waiting, but at least currently, at this point in time, you're feeling good! i think give yourself a bit more time and see how it goes. living is a scary thing, and honestly the fluctuation between ups and downs makes it feel like it'd be so much easier to die, rather than keep living. but life is so good during the highs, it makes you want to keep going, at least for a little bit!

have you been doing anything recently that you think has contributed to feeling better?

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I can't really think of anything that has changed for me recently. I just suddenly feel more motivated than usual. It's really weird

 

[apooka]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I can't really think of anything that has changed for me recently. I just suddenly feel more motivated than usual. It's really weird

of course! it's quite lonely feeling like this, but as you said, you're not the only one!!! :D im always here if you need someone to talk to. i hope that your motivation keeps up!!! :3

 

[thelostautistic]

of course! it's quite lonely feeling like this, but as you said, you're not the only one!!! :D im always here if you need someone to talk to. i hope that your motivation keeps up!!! :3

Thank you so much