Venting i cancelled my SN order a couple weeks ago

[sevennn]

i still can't go outside of my house to collect it. i'm too sick to do it. it sucks. and when i cancelled it - i was a tiny bit positive that i will recover. and then everything came back. i'm still sick. and i know i already talked about this here, but i have a hernia in my stomach. and i'm not sure if i can succeed with SN. it's really not fair that my body is not letting me kill myself. it's an easy method. if only i wasn't myself. which is always a problem. now acid resistant capsules.. i'd have to swallow 40 of them. and i'm sure they will clump. or do something else funny. well, and i don't know if it's crazy but i keep daydreaming about drowning. i want to go somewhere pretty. sit by a pond. all day. listen to music. look at the water. wait till nighttime. drink+pills i've yet to acquire and take a swim. i don't know what else to do. i feel forced to. my only issue with SN is not the pain or anything. it's only the fact that i am not likely to succeed. i think if i'll drink it. it'll be more like self harm. i'm sure i will throw it all back up. i'm tired. i wish i had a good enough stomach to do this. it feels cruel, but i don't think my body will let me go with SN. i have forgotten all about what my life was like in those 48 days of unhappiness since i got sick. i already died. that's how it feels.
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[AZ1]

hey
i just created my account but i've been reading your posts for a while
i know what you mean
i've been trying for years, but my body will never let me. i don't know why, i don't see the purpose, but i haven't been successful
you're not crazy, i've wanted to drown for almost a decade now. i don't know why, it just seems so peaceful to me, but i have a low pain tolerance so i haven't fully gone through with it

as far as pills in general, you could throw them back up, or have an adverse reaction, there are a lot of things that could go wrong. i wouldn't recommend that method

i know how you feel, i feel the same way. is there any reason why you feel like that? mine is that i just feel worthless as a person, a lot of times for reasons that normally wouldn't warrant that kind of self-hate...