I can totally relate to wanting to CTB

[LostBoy]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to anyone that is thinking of doing that final act in life - catching the bus.

My son who was 3 days short of his 32nd birthday took his life, I hadn't seen him for a long time physically as he lived on the other side of the world so I have no idea he was looking at doing this. I had regular contact via what's app and he kept up a good pretence that he was ok and always seemed like he was thinking forward in a positive way.

On the morning of the 13th of July 2018 I received the worst phone call in my life, it was a friend of mine saying that my boy had been found dead, taken his own life.

My world has changed since that moment and to be honest thoughts of suicide had entered my mine since then, I question myself that if I have at a total guess 20-30 years of life ahead of me, do I want to live it out ?
20-30 years of suffering the terrible loss of my boy and knowing that he got to a point in his life where all he wanted was to end it !! I don't know how I'll handle that. However I have responsibilities on this planet, I have a wife (not his mother), a daughter, step daughter and step son who all think the world of me so I can leave them. So I'm not suicidal for now anyway, but can I just ask that whatever your individual reasons are for getting out are, please also consider those that will be left behind, my son probably thought he wouldn't be missed, probably thought what does it matter if he was dead or alive and probably thought that there was nothing better left in life, but suicide is dam final and I would give anything or do anything just to have a day with him knowing his intentions just to talk to him, tell him I love him, tell him how good he is, tell not to worry about any bad things he's done and just to hear his voice and his laugh.
But sadly that day will never come, I don't believe in any god or particularly in an after life although I hope there is something so that we can meet up again.
And if he is out there and knows what's I'm thinking, give me some sign or haunt the hell out of me, just let me know you're ok.
Thanks for reading, and please think long and hard, someone will never be normal again after you go.
LostBoy.

 

[jade]

i'm so sorry for your loss. when i think of the people i'll leave behind, as you mentioned, i think i won't be missed and that nothing much will change. my personal reason for getting out is being very tired. too tired to live only for the people around me.

 

[LostBoy]

I don't mean to pry but can you be truly 100% sure you won't be missed.
What if what your lacking in life is just around a corner you decide not to turn ?
Just a thought.

 

[jade]

I don't mean to pry but can you be truly 100% sure you won't be missed.
What if what your lacking in life is just around a corner you decide not to turn ?
Just a thought.

i guess some people just genuinely don't care about what could be around the corner, maybe some don't believe it could ever happen, others like me are simply too tired to wait. might be tomorrow, might be next year, or never.. i can't live waiting for something good to happen.
it makes me sound like a dick, but i think it's about putting myself first. i'd rather stop my pain, even if it means the people missing me will be hurt.
once again, i'll keep you and your situation in my thoughts.

 

[Threads]

Many of us put much consideration into those whom we will leave behind, for many of us that it our sole inhibitor.

But I ask many of those who ask us to be considerate, did you suddenly become considerate of us after we died? Where were the people whom we have given so much consideration for, when we needed them? The same people that we are considerate for, often times do not return the favor, and it is only after death that they realize how inconsiderate they were.

 

[LostBoy]

Many of us put much consideration into those whom we will leave behind, for many of us that it our sole inhibitor.

But I ask many of those who ask us to be considerate, did you suddenly become considerate of us after we died? Where were the people whom we have given so much consideration for, when we needed them? The same people that we are considerate for, often times do not return the favor, and it is only after death that they realize how inconsiderate they were.

Sadly that is what I ask myself all the time, could I have made him reconsider if I had been more in his life ? On the other hand would I have pushed him to do it sooner, we were miles apart and had been for years but he was my best mate and I loved him to bits but he probably didn't know it.

I'm not trying to stop anyone, absolutely not just think really hard about the pros and cons, I'm sure you have anyway it's just that it's so final that it's worth a double check, I don't wish anyone to suffer anymore for anyone else that's for sure.

Good luck to you all.

 

[TAW122]

This is a really hard thing to bear, and very sorry that you are not able to properly say goodbyes or spend any last moments with him before he ctb'd. I also say, it is ultimately your decision on whether to live another 20-30 years of suffering or ending it and I'm glad that you have considered your family and the impacts before making any decision on whether to stay or go. Finally, yes, I agree with you that it is important to consider the family as well as people around you before you ctb, and also not having to suffer for another person out of obligation.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I'll try to give my perspective as a 36-years-old son.

My parents are good people, and they did everything they could as I grew up. They weren't abusive or anything. The only thing I can hold against them is that they brought me into this world - but I don't fault people for that, since almost everyone else enjoys being alive.

They know they have a weird, introverted son. They probably have no idea I want to kill myself. And I know my death will hurt them, a lot. I know they still care about me - love me, really.

But ultimately it's my life, and I can't be expected to go in misery for the sake of others. I didn't ask to be born, I wish my mother had aborted me. So I have the right to exit this world, since I don't like it.

Unless you were an abusive father (and if you were, fuck you - you deserve the suffering), you shouldn't blame yourself for your son's death. Maybe try to feel happy for him - he achieved something many of us here dream about day and night. To me death comes as a release - it's peaceful. Not everybody is equipped to deal with life as it is.

Cherish the memories you have, and do the right thing for those you love and are still alive.

 

[LostBoy]

I'll try to give my perspective as a 36-years-old son.

My parents are good people, and they did everything they could as I grew up. They weren't abusive or anything. The only thing I can hold against them is that they brought me into this world - but I don't fault people for that, since almost everyone else enjoys being alive.

They know they have a weird, introverted son. They probably have no idea I want to kill myself. And I know my death will hurt them, a lot. I know they still care about me - love me, really.

But ultimately it's my life, and I can't be expected to go in misery for the sake of others. I didn't ask to be born, I wish my mother had aborted me. So I have the right to exit this world, since I don't like it.

Unless you were an abusive father (and if you were, fuck you - you deserve the suffering), you shouldn't blame yourself for your son's death. Maybe try to feel happy for him - he achieved something many of us here dream about day and night. To me death comes as a release - it's peaceful. Not everybody is equipped to deal with life as it is.

Cherish the memories you have, and do the right thing for those you love and are still alive.

Thanks for your reply,

Firstly just for the record I was in no an abusive father, quite the opposite in fact when I was back amongst friends for his funeral (we shared a lot of friends as part of a motorbike community between 2000 & 2010) lots kept commenting how my and son always were together and always had such a laugh so I don't think he ever had any reason to think of me as someone he'd dislike, I'd like to think hat he thought of me more of a mate than a dad or maybe a bit of both.

He did say in his note the he had suicidal notions from quite a young age, 11-13 ish which was quite alarming however taking your point perhaps life just wasn't for him, I think when he stopped having a laugh and a fast life he thought what's the point and got too bored.
He researched his method well and carried it out in such a way that he wouldn't of failed so it was definitely something he thought long and hard about, some of his downloads on methods etc were months old (maybe as much a 7) so he did know what he was doing and didn't just snap and react.

I wish you all the best and hope that you could find enough happiness to decide to live and not die but for your sake not your parents although I know just how they will feel when you do go.

Good Luck.

A Dad

 

[ZeitZuGehen]

Im 18 years old and still live with my parents.The effect my suicide would have on others, especially my parents is the main thing that held me back so far. But if I only live for the sake of others then I can't say that my life truly belongs to me. It's a lose-lose situation, living sucks for me-my death sucks for my parents but in that regard I won't act altruistic. As @Schopenhauer already said: no one asks to be born. I've tried out living and I don't enjoy it, mostly because of the inherit suffering that comes with it, so for me that means that it's time to end it.
Now for my parents: they are kind and had good intentions when they decided to create a child ("life is a gift"). I know they won't understand my reasoning and it will probably affect them for the rest of their lifes.

 

[Midnight]

What if what your lacking in life is just around a corner you decide not to turn ?
Just a thought.

Problem with that if these "what if's?" Are worth years if not decades worth of suffering? For people such as most here the suffering is here and now ... That's the issue. Some drag along for years or even decades. Not easy to tell them happines "could" be arround the corner. For al we know it's cancer arround the corner. Life is unpredictable. If people want to give up that chance i'm not judging ... I'm going to give up on that chance aswell because the suffering will one day overcome the will to see the next.

Everyone needs to decide for themselves ... I wouldn't go so far as saying "What if a better life is just a short while away" while it might aswell be the opposite unfortunately.