Venting i can no longer take it

[throwawaypink]

im so tired and exhausted of this famy. all they do is scream,yell and fight. i wake up to yelling, i have yelling as my background sound whole day and then i go to sleep to yelling. im so tired. my mother keeps saying she will divorce my dad and that they should go to court tomorrow but shes been saying that for YEARS and that tomorrow never came. everytime they have a serious fight im hopeful that its the last time and she will finally actually divorce him but to no avail. she keeps staying with him for no reason at all. he doesnt bring any money in the family all he does is hold us back and ruin everyones life and my mother has never loved him so i dont get why she would choose to stay with him. both of them are ruining my mental health. everything i do is bad in their eyes. i eat, i get yelled at for it. i dont eat and i get yelled at for it. i go out with friend, i get yelled at for it. i stay in all the time and i get yelled at for it. im already stressed enough as the uni is starting in a week and all the yelling and fights are making me even more stressed. i so desperately want to escape but i dont have a proper paying job to save up money to move out. i wanted to get a second job too but i wont be able to manage two jobs and uni at the same time. every day and every second they push me closer to ctb but when i attempted last time they were so confused asking why would i want to die. im so tired i cant even cry to my hearts content since we are poor and live in a one bedroom apartment so i dont have my room and any space where i can lock mysepf in and cry to feel some type of relief at least. i genuinely dont know what to do. im too scared to try to ctb bcz i have so many failed attempts. im scared of surviving. evrytime i go outside i pray smn will kill me and end my suffering.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i wouldn't get a second job. considered a roomate or a student loan? sorry you're going through this. i can relate a bit but it was always my mom doing the yelling and she would throw my dad out so it wasn't that bad for me. school library may be a good place to go study/get away.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

That sounds horrible.

I'm sorry you're dealing this.

Does your university have student housing?

 

[throwawaypink]

That sounds horrible.

I'm sorry you're dealing this.

Does your university have student housing?

it does but they prioritize ppl from different cities/villages/countries and ppl with disabilities so its hard to get in :(

 

[Rational man]

im so tired and exhausted of this famy. all they do is scream,yell and fight. i wake up to yelling, i have yelling as my background sound whole day and then i go to sleep to yelling. im so tired. my mother keeps saying she will divorce my dad and that they should go to court tomorrow but shes been saying that for YEARS and that tomorrow never came. everytime they have a serious fight im hopeful that its the last time and she will finally actually divorce him but to no avail. she keeps staying with him for no reason at all. he doesnt bring any money in the family all he does is hold us back and ruin everyones life and my mother has never loved him so i dont get why she would choose to stay with him. both of them are ruining my mental health. everything i do is bad in their eyes. i eat, i get yelled at for it. i dont eat and i get yelled at for it. i go out with friend, i get yelled at for it. i stay in all the time and i get yelled at for it. im already stressed enough as the uni is starting in a week and all the yelling and fights are making me even more stressed. i so desperately want to escape but i dont have a proper paying job to save up money to move out. i wanted to get a second job too but i wont be able to manage two jobs and uni at the same time. every day and every second they push me closer to ctb but when i attempted last time they were so confused asking why would i want to die. im so tired i cant even cry to my hearts content since we are poor and live in a one bedroom apartment so i dont have my room and any space where i can lock mysepf in and cry to feel some type of relief at least. i genuinely dont know what to do. im too scared to try to ctb bcz i have so many failed attempts. im scared of surviving. evrytime i go outside i pray smn will kill me and end my suffering.

Such a sad story. I presume you are old enough to lead an independent life. It will be hard to start but eventually you will find your way. Otherwise, your stuck in this cycle of awfulness. I faced a similar situation with my loveless narc abusive family but despite the emotional bullying, I made a plan and got out when I was about 18. I came to the conclusion that I owed them nothing. They fxxxed me up and scarred me but ive never looked back. Unfortunately, I have a serious physical illness now but the years of independence were worth it. Think long and hard about how you may be able to live outside this current setup because eventually, the setup will end like everything does. Get help and advice and make a long term plan for your own life and peace of mind. I dont mean to lecture but maybe my story of sufferance can help someone else. Doesnt your uni course take you away from your location.?

 

[Suicidal Ideation]

i can feel your frustration with it all just through your words, and i can tell it is tiring. i hope you can find a way out, whether it be ctb or escaping from it all. i wish you peace from your constant suffering.

you dont deserve to live this way.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds so horrible what you have to endure, it's beyond cruel how people suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.