Venting I can never ctb because of my family

[bone bags]

I live with my three other siblings and my mom, my dad is currently in prison for something he didn't do. I'm the middle child, but the oldest daughter in a middle eastern family so I'm basically the only support for my mom currently since my dad went to prison. On top of that I'm Muslim too so ctb is not acceptable to do. I can't believe I say that as I drink alcohol and smoke, but that's beside the point. I keep imagining the reactions of my little siblings when they find out I ctb and i bawl every single time, I could never hurt them. I've had a horrible relationship with my mom when I was younger, but now i don't. She's really loving and changed, I could never hurt her either. It's exhausting, so tiring to live for others. Wake up early every single day, go to school where I don't have any classmates to talk to, work until my brain fogs and go home just to be reminded of how much I want to die. I lay and rot in my bed all day, but I put a smile on for my siblings and my mom. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. It's also getting warm outside and it's the worst time of the year. I'm so ashamed of my sh scars especially the fresh ones and I have the worst body dysmorphia/ed, I don't see any future for myself. Failing school no matter how hard I try, failing friendships, failing relationships, failing work, failing happiness. I don't get to vent to my two close friends, that's the main reason why I'm here. I hope I get to meet people with the same issues or who understand.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound so tiring feeling trapped in that situation, I get that it's so awful feeling stuck here when you just wish to be gone. But anyway I wish you the best, it's true that existing certainly can be so torturous.

 

[bone bags]

Thank you. I wish the best for you as well, no matter what road you are going for <3

 

[Barzakh]

Wow I relate to this so much !! I get it I really do. My biggest fear is leaving them and causing more problems/stress than they already have .. I'm also Muslim so I know what it's like .. if you ever wanna talk hit me up

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

That does sound exhausting. Can you see a point in the future where things might change for you?

 

[bone bags]

Wow I relate to this so much !! I get it I really do. My biggest fear is leaving them and causing more problems/stress than they already have .. I'm also Muslim so I know what it's like .. if you ever wanna talk hit me up

I'm so glad someone else relates. I'm so sorry u have this extra stress on your shoulders. They are the only purpose for me to stay, I'm very inspired by them even though they've been abusive to me. They were refugees escaping from the iraq war as teens and having to adapt to a western society, so I don't blame them for not understanding my depression. It is difficult to pretend like the depression isn't eating me up every single day though. I'll def hit u up sometime, nice to find someone who relates to me