Venting I can look at the mirror, but not when my friends can see me.

[MiseryWithoutCompany]

I remember a few years back, a thread J foubd solstice in got locked due to racism debates from unrelated parties. I'm sorry if this breaks any unspoke rules about race in advance. I checked the rules and I think this abides by them...
-
I hate being 'black'. Conceptually.

I love my friends. Their problems are my problems. Most of them are long distance and even some aren't from the country I live in (USA). I want be supportive of this issues - from bulimia, to autism, to socially-motivated gender dysphoria, etc. I love them truly.

But for some reason, unsure if it is because of the recent or current social environment of my country, I'm not allowed to have problems of my own in front of them. They all collectively view the American afro-centric community as the overall enemy. They've been racist towards my Asicsn friends, aggressive towards my Mexican friends, and just over earing in media in the eyes of my friends outside my country. And I get it, to an extent, why it is that they don't like them. 'If you hate the priest, then you may also hate his robes'.

But that ends up backfiring. I'm not at all proud of the things "my" culture has done or stands for, and do my best to separate myself from the worst of it. I think that's why they like me? Because I'm some vague version of an "independant person with no true affiliation to any specific culture". What does that even mean, right?

There are things African Americans do that I *am* a part of. I can finally look in the mirror and smile at my looks. It's taken nearly 28 years to be able to. Most of the bullying surrounding my looks were done by other Afican Americans-- my hair is too much of one texture and red, and my skin is too light, and my lips are too small... and my mannerisms are too "white". But cornrow braids and cocoa butter lotions... protective hairstyles, a specific type of African American slang that I use around my close family? I participate in that.

Hating the white man? Finding solidarity in the presemce of other African Americnas? Rap? Catcalls? Booty calls? Being overtly assertive in unnecessary situations? No. I don't really feel those behaviors are something I want to participate in.

My raxe already hates me. A lot. I strongly dislike the males of my race be ause of how thirsty they've been towards me due to my body type. I'm hostile any time one tries to be any type of social towards me.

But then I made the mistake of showing my long distance friends my cornrow hairstyle with bright beeds wiven in.

Immediately they micked me for the exposed scalp between braids. They mock my food, they make assumptions that don't apply to me (things like living in projects or for some reason this hyperfixation on washing chicken?????? as if to imply my sink is never cleaned?). And then I realize that they don't truly care about me.

Nobody really does, as that always boils down the same way. I'm a "good black" so long as I abandon every inch of the culture I grew up with (not the people, mind you). Befriend a black person? They mock me for how distant I am from the culture. Befire a non-black, and I become a token with a shotgun to my back if I move out of order.

These people I know are the only one I can care for. Anyone more and I just... I can't do it. I like the way I look, the way I dress. I don't want to show off skin-- I want to dress brightly and not be depressed. But wow! My butt is big so I absolutely must be some form of provocative, huh. No matter the side I'm just being shoved into some kind of box.

I tried to talk to my friends about it in tears even, and they didn't budge. They just looked down upon me continuously. How dare I take offense to something that was directed at me. "You aren't even black" they say, because my skin tone is too light. I'm not Irish, I'm not Native American, I'm not African American. I'm nothing.

I don't belong anywhere, and fighting to keep my square inside this circular hole is so tiresome. People speak against me CTB'ing, but I'm running out of reasons to stay. I used to have a method, secure and hopefully painful, but I no longer do. I look at a bad fall from the balcony or a cinvenient amount of sleeping pills and a tub as a mighty tempting thing.

But I'm trying.
This Pride Month has resulted in people calling me every name under the sunbecause of my lack of empathy towards *anyone*. I just don't care what people do. I'm a biggot, nazi, socialist, communist, leftist, rightest, terf -- fuck knows what else? I just eant to be left alone to spoil in my own misery and Pride Month extremists make me want to take myself out even more.

Fuck me dor wanting to focus on myself and not bother anyone else.

 

[sulli]

those are not your friends i fear

 

[MiseryWithoutCompany]

those are not your friends i fear

They are all I have, and any attempts to find better has resulted in furfer anguish. I wish I could just let them go so that they can thrive without me, but I'm too far in.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This has been really insightful for me to read. I'm a middle aged white female. With all the talk of race out there, with all that goes on in the world- it's so easy to forget that it's individuals. PEOPLE behind all of this. And EVERYONE'S experience is valid and unique. I think we just lose all that in all the hype. It must just be a minefield trying to navigate it all. I'm sorry that you have just SO many people in your life who will judge you for whatever you do, whatever you look like. Yeah- it's got to be a complete headache.

 

[Parasitic]

First of all good for you for having the strength and getting to the point of being able to look into the mirror and smile. I am so sorry to hear that you were bullied because of your looks and mannerisms and that you feel that you are not allowed to have your own problems in front of your "friends". sulli makes a good point of fearing that they are not friends. Its good that you love and support them regardless and take their problems as if they were you own but if you are going to be open to them about something you are proud of such as your cornrows and its met with mockery and instant assumptions its hard to see them as a friend, same with looking down on you you have every right to be offended if something is directed at you, thats a problem they have to sort out within themselves not to put it on you. One of the strongest opinions I hold is not reducing someone down to their culture/sexuality/gender/colour etc. It takes so much away from the individual, every single person has problems, a life story, likes and dislikes, loves and hates, people they care for and people they don't. Its been hard to read how often you have been reduced down to stereotypes from every single side, I can't imagine how tough it must be and how hard it has been for you to be isolated/bullied/mocked/belittled from every side but back to my opening line it's so good to hear that even after all of that misery people have put you through you can look in the mirror and smile. Also a well done for getting to that point staying as you. Keep sticking on focusing on yourself, your feelings are valid, your beliefs are valid, YOU are valid. I wish you the absolute best with whatever happens in the future, I hope you can find peace and happiness away from all those negative things you had to endure.