Maybe this is the feeling right before? I hope. I'm so scared of failure to a worse physical condition. I'm pretty sure its nothingness but a tiny afraid of being punished more. How can we trust the universe? I'm babbling now. no one has the answer but the dead
First
(hugs)
I've been in your position in my latest attempt, everything was crumbling and I was forgetting how to breath, talk or swallow, this was a couple of years ago.
But in my latest serious dry run/almost attempt of two weeks ago, I was totally calm and I wasn't feeling nothing, a single simple step from doing it and there wasn't any weight on my shoulders or grey yarn around my limbs ("I'm
trudging through this grey, woolly yarn. It's clinging to my legs. It's really heavy to drag along." from Melancholia by Lars Von Trier).
I'm not giving you an advice, but telling you that also this unfortunately is normal and part of reality and not necessarily final.
Unfortunately we won't know what have been really final because fortunately we'll be dead by then.