Venting I broke up with my boyfriend and now my boss is blaming me.

[elenaboo25]

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I still love him, but I told him I can't be his girlfriend anymore. (did it by video call) He said "I love you", hung up and then blocked me. (understandable)

I broke up with my boyfriend because in the last 3 weeks he's been a major source of distress for me. Every time I criticised his family or his way of life in any way, he would ignore me for 6 to 12 hours and then pout for 3 to 4 days. I realised I can't deal with that. The family situation is, he is "caring" for his grandparents but refusing to sign up for UC and carers allowance (he's in the UK). He has no income whatsoever and lives off his grandparent's pensions. I think he might be afraid that he's not doing enough actual "care" work and is therefore forced to look for a job.

I broke up with him last night, and now my boss is saying I should apologise for becoming too involved in his life. I guess I'm either gonna have to ctb or find a new job. Finding a new job is going to be hard, given I am autistic.

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I still love him, but I told him I can't be his girlfriend anymore. (did it by video call) He said "I love you", hung up and then blocked me. (understandable)

I broke up with my boyfriend because in the last 3 weeks he's been a major source of distress for me. Every time I criticised his family or his way of life in any way, he would ignore me for 6 to 12 hours and then pout for 3 to 4 days. I realised I can't deal with that. The family situation is, he is "caring" for his grandparents but refusing to sign up for UC and carers allowance (he's in the UK). He has no income whatsoever and lives off his grandparent's pensions. I think he might be afraid that he's not doing enough actual "care" work and is therefore forced to look for a job.

I broke up with him last night, and now my boss is saying I should apologise for becoming too involved in his life. I guess I'm either gonna have to ctb or find a new job. Finding a new job is going to be hard, given I am autistic.

What a weirdo boss is that? He shouldn't even be allowed to mention your private life let alone giving any advice. You did a good thing toxic people are unhealthy and make suffering much worse. I also have toxic people around me but unfortunately I can't call em on facetime and end it, I can only die and "end" it.

 

[elenaboo25]

What a weirdo boss is that? He shouldn't even be allowed to mention your private life let alone giving any advice. You did a good thing toxic people are unhealthy and make suffering much worse. I also have toxic people around me but unfortunately I can't call em on facetime and end it, I can only die and "end" it.

My boss has always been sticking her nose into my private life. Tbh that's what has kept me going at times. She has also previously fired me but then realised she still needed me. Since then, she's not given me a new interim reference letter and I've not dared to ask. Is it wrong of me to become involved in my boyfriend's life? What even is the point of a boyfriend, then, if you're not supposed to become involved in their life?

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Why would your boss even know you broke up with him and all those details?

If you told your boss, and they expressed their opinion, that would be normal. That's a semi-normal social interaction... Because you likely divulged personal details, so they responded.

Why is that so bad or wrong? They aren't forcing you to gwt back with him.

 

[elenaboo25]

Why would your boss even know you broke up with him and all those details?

If you told your boss, and they expressed their opinion, that would be normal. That's a semi-normal social interaction... Because you likely divulged personal details, so they responded.

Why is that so bad or wrong? They aren't forcing you to gwt back with him.

They are suggesting that I should reach out to him and apologise for getting too involved in his life.

 

[Holu]

Just want to ask, how do you feel about this?

Because fuck what your boss thinks. They aren't your mother, and even if they were they have no right to be in your private business. If you allow them to that's fine, but it's a privilege, one it very much seems they overstepped.

In the end it's your decision and your choice. Don't let your boss coerce you into making a choice you wouldn't make.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I understand your perspective. I also know someone who's unemployed but caring for a relative and who hasn't applied for carers allowance.

There again, I've heard horrible stories where people have done both- worked part time and been carers and, ended up getting sued because their varying wages slightly tipped them over the threshold from time to time. I think with my friend, it's partly psychological too. That if they start claiming the allowance, they will settle into being a carer and, not look for work again. You also need to spend 35 hours a week caring for an individual person in the UK to be eligible. Not quite sure how they obtain proof of that but- that's quite a chunk of time. It's nearly full time working hours. So- it may well be that your ex boyfriend knew he wouldn't be eligible.

Will your boss actually sack you? Or, is it more that you don't like her making judgements on your actions? If that's the case and she allows you to stay, maybe you just need to limit your conversation to small talk around her.

It does sound like you are friendly with her- to a certain degree. But- friendship might entail people disagreeing with our actions. It may even be that she feels you've wounded yourself doing this, so she hopes her advice might be helpful.

With regards to your ex, it's tricky really. We're all different. Some of us don't like being challenged about what we choose to do or, how we act with our families. I guess in a partnership, the hope is that one partner is looking out for the other. Suggesting where their family may not be all together good for them or, suggesting things that may improve their life. I guess we're not all open to that though. People can also misread that the partner is trying to turn them against their own family.

I think it can depend on character types too. Sometimes, we've formed methods of dealing with difficult family members over the years. Which may look weird and inadequate to outsiders but may have come about from having to deal with them for years. Some people will for instance- let certain things go because they know that mentioning something will cause a massive argument. Not that we always know the best way to handle things but, sometimes we may feel like we know more about the intricacies of a situation as opposed to a person looking in.

But, it does also make sense that you feel you would want to have input into a partners life- in order to try to improve it. So- find it difficult when they don't seem to appreciate that. Did your ex boyfriend make suggestions about how you live?

 

[elenaboo25]

Just want to ask, how do you feel about this?

Because fuck what your boss thinks. They aren't your mother, and even if they were they have no right to be in your private business. If you allow them to that's fine, but it's a privilege, one it very much seems they overstepped.

In the end it's your decision and your choice. Don't let your boss coerce you into making a choice you wouldn't make.

I'm glad it's over tbh. The boss has been overstepping that privilege all year, but I didn't dare doing anything about it because I need that job. I still hope I don't get fired over this though.

 

[At The Bus Stop]

I'd feel incredibly guilty living off my families pension under the assumption they're still alive - even if I were caring for them. But I do appreciate how annoying UC can be, if it's as similar as I remember. The weekly check in meetings etc.

But I also understand his view too, if as you said, did actually criticise him/his family - that can be seen as quite harsh and negative I guess? And it's unfair for someone who he should trust/love to be criticising him rather than supporting him. That said, I'm a strong believer in the matter that if you're not happy and/or it's causing you more harm than good - it makes complete sense to distance yourself. Definitely wise of you to put yourself first. As contradicting as it sounds to my above statement, if his way of living and/or situation is affecting you, and you were vocal about it and his reaction is to be silent and/or upset for 3/4 days - that could be a sign of emotional immaturity which can make it hard when trying to have conversations about things that are affecting your wellbeing etc.

A lot of people aren't that confident to realise something isn't right and to just leave - they kinda just put up with it? So I can only respect you for being able to make that decision.

Not sure why you'd have to apologise either, it's not about your boss or your boyfriend? It's about how it's making YOU feel. Their opinions don't matter if it's hurting you, because if they cared about your feelings, they'd have listened to what you're saying to try and compromise or work through it.

I'm on your side on this, if anything I have said suggests otherwise