Venting I bought N from D and feel regret

[FindingPeace8]

Edit: I also want to say I feel bad for those who have stronger willpower than me at the moment who don't have access to N. I couldn't afford it but I bought it anyway. So I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. And I do still want to die.

I just need to get this off of my chest. I found this community about a month ago. I was feeling so desperate, empty, and suicidal all day, every day for weeks (woke up thinking about it and went to bed thinking about it) and was really glad to finally find an open and non-judgmental discussion board. The first time I remember wanting to die I was 8.

I've suffered from chronic low level depression, anxiety, and PTSD/C-PTSD basically my whole life. But, every few years I will cycle into a major crippling depressive episode. My brain basically shuts down, I lose my intelligence, my humor, my drive, my emotions, my personality, and I cannot even hold conversations. I can barely get out of bed and I have a really hard time eating or doing even the most basic of tasks. I'm under 100 pounds now. I literally feel disabled. I am a burden to my partner (who is already terrible at keeping up the house and meals, he has other good traits).

I come from a rough background and just don't see much hope for my personal future or the future of this beautiful world we are destroying. I have a little bit of savings but not much and I wanted to die so badly I figured spending it on two bottles of N wouldn't make a difference if I'm dead.

My partner noticed I've been different for a while and he urged me to go to the doctor. The doctor prescribed me antidepressants. I'm a little over a week in and I don't want to die as bad but I still don't have much hope and I still can't function. Like I literally can't fucking function.

I was supposed to start a new job last week but the doctor saw how severely depressed I am and wrote me a note so I don't have to start until May. I also couldn't get a therapy appointment scheduled until May.

So now I spent money on N that I couldn't really afford, still can't function, have no income, and want to die less than I did before. Wtf.

If I didn't care about traumatizing my partner so much it would easier. Also, he's also currently unemployed so he's home all the time. He's going to see his family next weekend and that might be my only window but now IDK if I have the will to do it. And I can't keep the bottles in my fridge because he could find them so I'm worried about shelf life when summer hits in a couple months. He almost caught me opening the package at 2am as it is. I felt horrible but I had to lie and say it was something else.

I feel like I'm in limbo at this point. I wish I could return the N for a refund so I am forced deal with moving forward (some-fucking-how I honestly don't know how though) or I wish I still had the full courage to CTB. Or as weird as it sounds I wish I could trade my N to someone on the street that would just inject me with a lethal dose of heroine and hide my body in a bush so I don't have to do the act myself.

All I want to do is drink alcohol and lament my brain shutting down again, but that doesn't help either.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm in a dark place and I haven't been responding to the few friends I have because I can't hold conversations. I'm pushing people away. I'm so embarrassed about myself and my life right now. This is no way to live. I wish I could be institutionalized in one of the rich people posh institutions and be taken care of until I (hopefully) get better, but I'm by no means well off. The last episode of disabling depression I had took almost a year to start improving from. I cannot go through that again.

Thank you to anybody who took the time to read this. On one hand I'm soooo thankful to this community and on the other hand I wish I never found it because then I wouldn't have spent my money and feel in CTB limbo. I still want to die, but have lost a lot of the will to do it myself. I know it sounds stupid but that's how I feel. I wish someone would do it for me. Inject me, shoot me in the head in my sleep, chloroform me and then strangle me. Something where I don't have to feel pain. Ugh. I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you.

Edit: I know this is a long shot but does anyone have any advice? Does anyone else here feel literally disabled by depressive episodes to the point where you can't function/work/eat? How do the bills get paid? Wtf is this reality.

 

[Why Me?]

Edit: I also want to say I feel bad for those who have stronger willpower than me at the moment who don't have access to N. I couldn't afford it but I bought it anyway. So I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. And I do still want to die.

I just need to get this off of my chest. I found this community about a month ago. I was feeling so desperate, empty, and suicidal all day, every day for weeks (woke up thinking about it and went to bed thinking about it) and was really glad to finally find an open and non-judgmental discussion board. The first time I remember wanting to die I was 8.

I've suffered from chronic low level depression, anxiety, and PTSD/C-PTSD basically my whole life. But, every few years I will cycle into a major crippling depressive episode. My brain basically shuts down, I lose my intelligence, my humor, my drive, my emotions, my personality, and I cannot even hold conversations. I can barely get out of bed and I have a really hard time eating or doing even the most basic of tasks. I'm under 100 pounds now. I literally feel disabled. I am a burden to my partner (who is already terrible at keeping up the house and meals, he has other good traits).

I come from a rough background and just don't see much hope for my personal future or the future of this beautiful world we are destroying. I have a little bit of savings but not much and I wanted to die so badly I figured spending it on two bottles of N wouldn't make a difference if I'm dead.

My partner noticed I've been different for a while and he urged me to go to the doctor. The doctor prescribed me antidepressants. I'm a little over a week in and I don't want to die as bad but I still don't have much hope and I still can't function. Like I literally can't fucking function.

I was supposed to start a new job last week but the doctor saw how severely depressed I am and wrote me a note so I don't have to start until May. I also couldn't get a therapy appointment scheduled until May.

So now I spent money on N that I couldn't really afford, still can't function, have no income, and want to die less than I did before. Wtf.

If I didn't care about traumatizing my partner so much it would easier. Also, he's also currently unemployed so he's home all the time. He's going to see his family next weekend and that might be my only window but now IDK if I have the will to do it. And I can't keep the bottles in my fridge because he could find them so I'm worried about shelf life when summer hits in a couple months. He almost caught me opening the package at 2am as it is. I felt horrible but I had to lie and say it was something else.

I feel like I'm in limbo at this point. I wish I could return the N for a refund so I am forced deal with moving forward (some-fucking-how I honestly don't know how though) or I wish I still had the full courage to CTB. Or as weird as it sounds I wish I could trade my N to someone on the street that would just inject me with a lethal dose of heroine and hide my body in a bush so I don't have to do the act myself.

All I want to do is drink alcohol and lament my brain shutting down again, but that doesn't help either.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm in a dark place and I haven't been responding to the few friends I have because I can't hold conversations. I'm pushing people away. I'm so embarrassed about myself and my life right now. This is no way to live. I wish I could be institutionalized in one of the rich people posh institutions and be taken care of until I (hopefully) get better, but I'm by no means well off. The last episode of disabling depression I had took almost a year to start improving from. I cannot go through that again.

Thank you to anybody who took the time to read this. On one hand I'm soooo thankful to this community and on the other hand I wish I never found it because then I wouldn't have spent my money and feel in CTB limbo. I still want to die, but have lost a lot of the will to do it myself. I know it sounds stupid but that's how I feel. I wish someone would do it for me. Inject me, shoot me in the head in my sleep, chloroform me and then strangle me. Something where I don't have to feel pain. Ugh. I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you.

Edit: I know this is a long shot but does anyone have any advice? Does anyone else here feel literally disabled by depressive episodes to the point where you can't function/work/eat? How do the bills get paid? Wtf is this reality.

Yes, I'm currently experiencing the worst crippling depression that I have ever experienced in my life, and I feel hopeless to get out of it. I still don't have the courage to CBT on my own, because I hate pain, and not knowing what's on the other side for me. I'm 41, and I'm in a terrible condition where there is nothing good about me to really enjoy life or bring happiness to another person, and I've been laying in bed all day stuck in a room for a very long time. I've been this way for years, and now it's much worse. If you are under 40, especially if you are young, I think you should cherish the opportunity to make yourself better, and to make your life better. The fact that you are able to be independent, have a boyfriend, a job, says a lot. I don't have any of those abilities, be grateful. You also have the opportunity to figure out things that you would love to do, hobbies, passions, that can make yourself happier. You can even try becoming healthier thru nutrition & exercise to feel better. Start a business or charity to give your life more purpose. If you don't really want to CBT, why force it? First do everything you can to make things better at least, that's what I think.

 

[waitingforrest]

More on the chemistry side of things I don't know why you would need to put it in the fridge unless you live in a hot environment. I searched up the safety data sheets for N and the normal protocol was to: not set on fire or put anywhere near fire, put it in scorching heat or freezing temperatures, not putting in air tight container, or add water to make little snow globes for display.

It's was recommended in the sheets to store N between 20c and 25c.

But I suggest you look up the sheets yourself and not trust a random stranger. I will be happy to add where I got my info.

 

[FindingPeace8]

Yes, I'm currently experiencing the worst crippling depression that I have ever experienced in my life, and I feel hopeless to get out of it. I still don't have the courage to CBT on my own, because I hate pain, and not knowing what's on the other side for me. I'm 41, and I'm in a terrible condition where there is nothing good about me to really enjoy life or bring happiness to another person, and I've been laying in bed all day stuck in a room for a very long time. I've been this way for years, and now it's much worse. If you are under 40, especially if you are young, I think you should cherish the opportunity to make yourself better, and to make your life better. The fact that you are able to be independent, have a boyfriend, a job, says a lot. I don't have any of those abilities, be grateful. You also have the opportunity to figure out things that you would love to do, hobbies, passions, that can make yourself happier. You can even try becoming healthier thru nutrition & exercise to feel better. Start a business or charity to give your life more purpose. If you don't really want to CBT, why force it? First do everything you can to make things better at least, that's what I think.

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I am in my 30's. I am wasting away and dreading the future. I literally can barely function. Exercising sounds incredibly daunting. I barely have energy or motivation to do the simplest of tasks. Just taking the garbage to the dumpster is a win and I wish I could throw myself out with it. I also have some small/medium physical health problems even thought I look ok. My brain is broken right now. It's incredibly scary.

And I technically don't have the job yet, this depression made me not be able to start and I'm dreading not being capable enough by May because of the nature of the job. I try to be grateful for what I do have and then I just feel so guilty. I have come from a very rough background and worked really hard to be where I am but I just don't see hope for the future. I also can't rely on my family whatsoever. You're advice seems sound but you should know how things like starting a business or a charity is completely unrealistic when I can't even eat enough calories to sustain my weight while being utterly sedentary.

I'm sorry that you've been in your room for years. Im open ears if you want to talk about your situation. How do you make it financially? Even though I've struggled with depression my whole life, I have avoided the medical system or not had insurance to get things documented enough to qualify for disability.

 

[its-about-time]

Hey. You're not alone. It's easy to feel shame and guilt and embarrassment. It just keeps you down though.

The anti depressants take several weeks to really kick in. Your doctor probably told you that too. It's worth hanging in there for a few more weeks to see what changes. Once they start to kick in you might feel you have more motivation to do things— try to direct that motivation towards positive things, like going and standing outside or whatever easy things make you feel a little better. Don't expect an instant cure. Meds are like a step stool to give you a better shot at helping yourself. Feeling a tad better after a week is a good sign. Don't push yourself to do too much too soon. Take it slow and experiment with what helps you feel better versus what is too much.

I have been in your mindset before and likely will be again. It's hard, I know. I am very fortunate to be on disability for mental health reasons. It takes a huge stress off my shoulders. It could be worth pursuing for you. There's no shame in accessing available resources; if you don't qualify, you won't get it, simple as that. Even if you don't get it, you have other options worth exploring.

Hang in there. I think you should give it some time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[FindingPeace8]

More on the chemistry side of things I don't know why you would need to put it in the fridge unless you live in a hot environment. I searched up the safety data sheets for N and the normal protocol was to: not set on fire or put anywhere near fire, put it in scorching heat or freezing temperatures, not putting in air tight container, or add water to make little snow globes for display.

It's was recommended in the sheets to store N between 20c and 25c.

But I suggest you look up the sheets yourself and not trust a random stranger. I will be happy to add where I got my info.

Hi, thank you for responding. Why not put them in an airtight container? Wouldn't an airtight container be better? I thought about wrapping them in mylar to protect them from summer heat.

It gets hot in the summers where I live. It gets over 100F a few times in the summer and gets to 90F often (much higher than 25C), and I don't have central AC.

 

[CommitSudoku]

What's your new job like? Honestly I haven't bought N and wish I had so I'm in a different spot. I kind of see it as nice to have the option should D become unable to sell anymore. Seeing how SN is harder and harder to get I'm honestly nervous to think of being pushed in to a corner where hanging is what I get should SN fail.

It is your money and money can be made again even if it's hard and stressful. We cannot take it with us. In a way running out of money may lend to motivation to get more. Not necessarily but you never know.

I can really relate to wishing someone else could get rid of me. It's agonizing to live or to do anything to leave.

If you don't want to use it don't. You don't have to force yourself to rush it, you've got enough pressure elsewhere. I'm still working and idk how tbh so I can't offer too much advice, my mental state gets slightly less bad when I keep active so I actually keep overactive. I'm also afraid if I'll stop I'll never start again. Best wishes whatever you do, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

 

[FindingPeace8]

Hey. You're not alone. It's easy to feel shame and guilt and embarrassment. It just keeps you down though.

The anti depressants take several weeks to really kick in. Your doctor probably told you that too. It's worth hanging in there for a few more weeks to see what changes. Once they start to kick in you might feel you have more motivation to do things— try to direct that motivation towards positive things, like going and standing outside or whatever easy things make you feel a little better. Don't expect an instant cure. Meds are like a step stool to give you a better shot at helping yourself. Feeling a tad better after a week is a good sign. Don't push yourself to do too much too soon. Take it slow and experiment with what helps you feel better versus what is too much.

I have been in your mindset before and likely will be again. It's hard, I know. I am very fortunate to be on disability for mental health reasons. It takes a huge stress off my shoulders. It could be worth pursuing for you. There's no shame in accessing available resources; if you don't qualify, you won't get it, simple as that. Even if you don't get it, you have other options worth exploring.

Hang in there. I think you should give it some time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you so much for your reply. I know they take a few weeks and it is a good sign that I think about CTB less than a week ago. I think having N is part of the reason I think about it less. I scoured the internet for something as peaceful as possible until I eventually found it here.

I know I was never "normal" but I want to be what's normal for me again aka having thoughts/feelings/motivation. I wish I qualified for disability (even short term) but I don't. That would be a huge stress off. I don't know how many of these major episodes I can endure. I feel like life is squeezing me into a rock and a hard place.

I'm supposed to move to a new city and (finally) start my degree in the fall. I have two associates degrees and went through a trade school already. One of the associates is a transfer associates that I just finished and got A's through and through and now my brain has decided to malfunction at a pinnacle point in my life. I'm trapped in a brain that isn't mine. Invisible bars are the hardest to break out of.

Once again though, thank you so much for your comment. You are a very kind soul. It really does mean a lot and helps me feel more understood. I wish I could hug you.

 

[Why Me?]

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I am in my 30's. I am wasting away and dreading the future. I literally can barely function. Exercising sounds incredibly daunting. I barely have energy or motivation to do the simplest of tasks. Just taking the garbage to the dumpster is a win and I wish I could throw myself out with it. I also have some small/medium physical health problems even thought I look ok. My brain is broken right now. It's incredibly scary.

And I technically don't have the job yet, this depression made me not be able to start and I'm dreading not being capable enough by May because of the nature of the job. I try to be grateful for what I do have and then I just feel so guilty. I have come from a very rough background and worked really hard to be where I am but I just don't see hope for the future. I also can't rely on my family whatsoever. You're advice seems sound but you should know how things like starting a business or a charity is completely unrealistic when I can't even eat enough calories to sustain my weight while being utterly sedentary.

I'm sorry that you've been in your room for years. Im open ears if you want to talk about your situation. How do you make it financially? Even though I've struggled with depression my whole life, I have avoided the medical system or not had insurance to get things documented enough to qualify for disability.

I totally understand. The most basic tasks I can barely get done at this point, but this is not the first time I've experienced this. The way I have gotten out of this in the past is by finding some sort of motivation and then becoming one with it. The method that usually worked for me in the past was that I would create a morning meditation. First I create it on a document or piece of paper, a bunch of affirmations filled with my goals, or something that sounds like I'm talking to myself as if I am my own best friend. For example, "Good morning FindingPeace 8! Your going to have a great productive day today! I know your depressed, and you've been thru a lot, but you have new goals, and if you do a little bit every day to reach them, you will find yourself in a much better place within the next few months. So right now just focus on getting out of bed, and brushing your teeth! Get up, you can do it!, then eat breakfast, and start working on your goals, let's go beautiful! This is the beginning of your success story and in a few years you'll be helping others get out of a dark place! It's a new day! get up, let's go!" Then after writing this motivational script, I will record it on my iPhone using a voice note and I will force myself to read the script sounding like a happy full of energy version of myself (the REAL me, or who I want to sound like). Then I will play it everyday as soon as I wake up to motivate myself out of bed. I may have to create a couple meditations to really get the job done, and get thru the day. Also, I create a dream/vision board so that I have a visual of my goals for motivation, and I put it somewhere where I can see it thru out the day. If you don't know what a dream/vision board is, you can go to Youtube. Basically, the law of attraction was my thing, and faith in God. If you don't have the energy to do these things yet, try listening to motivational speakers, or affirmations on Youtube to raise your faith, energy, and confidence. I will tell you this, last time I was extremely depressed, I used these methods to start an eBay store and it reached $100,000 in monthly sales which was my greatest entrepreneurial achievement. This current depression happened when my store was shut down, and I spent my savings, and failed at a different business. I'm trying to pick myself up from this depression, but it might be the worst one. I hope my advice helps you.

 

[waitingforrest]

Hi, thank you for responding. Why not put them in an airtight container? Wouldn't an airtight container be better? I thought about wrapping them in mylar to protect them from summer heat.

It gets hot in the summers where I live. It gets over 100F a few times in the summer and gets to 90F often (much higher than 25C), and I don't have central AC.

Oh sorry, should have been more clear, DO put in a airtight container.

I don't know how effective or even practical it might be but in some places in Africa they have used a way to keep food cool in hot climates. It's called a Zeer. Probably not useful but interesting at least.

 

[its-about-time]

Thank you so much for your reply. I know they take a few weeks and it is a good sign that I think about CTB less than a week ago. I think having N is part of the reason I think about it less. I scoured the internet for something as peaceful as possible until I eventually found it here.

I know I was never "normal" but I want to be what's normal for me again aka having thoughts/feelings/motivation. I wish I qualified for disability (even short term) but I don't. That would be a huge stress off. I don't know how many of these major episodes I can endure. I feel like life is squeezing me into a rock and a hard place.

I'm supposed to move to a new city and (finally) start my degree in the fall. I have two associates degrees and went through a trade school already. One of the associates is a transfer associates that I just finished and got A's through and through and now my brain has decided to malfunction at a pinnacle point in my life. I'm trapped in a brain that isn't mine. Invisible bars are the hardest to break out of.

Once again though, thank you so much for your comment. You are a very kind soul. It really does mean a lot and helps me feel more understood. I wish I could hug you.

I'm sending you a big virtual hug. I often want to hug people here too. And tell them I love them.

Please just be gentle with yourself. I know how difficult that is. It takes some guidance to learn how to do that. I could recommend books if you like reading otherwise there are other sources to get inspiration from. Being curious about my own suffering has been key to me, but that's me and we all cope differently. But seriously, be gentle. Give yourself time to adjust to these big changes before deciding anything major. Maybe you can take a half load of classes instead of full? If possible that could really help keep you balanced.

I know how hellish the cycles are. We all experience different hells but in the end it's still just hell. Having it repeat over and over again is really disheartening and hard. People who don't experience it don't get why we want to just be done.

 

[FindingPeace8]

What's your new job like? Honestly I haven't bought N and wish I had so I'm in a different spot. I kind of see it as nice to have the option should D become unable to sell anymore. Seeing how SN is harder and harder to get I'm honestly nervous to think of being pushed in to a corner where hanging is what I get should SN fail.

It is your money and money can be made again even if it's hard and stressful. We cannot take it with us. In a way running out of money may lend to motivation to get more. Not necessarily but you never know.

I can really relate to wishing someone else could get rid of me. It's agonizing to live or to do anything to leave.

If you don't want to use it don't. You don't have to force yourself to rush it, you've got enough pressure elsewhere. I'm still working and idk how tbh so I can't offer too much advice, my mental state gets slightly less bad when I keep active so I actually keep overactive. I'm also afraid if I'll stop I'll never start again. Best wishes whatever you do, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. My new job is fast paced and interpersonal. It's something I've been great at and have been doing for a decade (before covid) but it is also physically demanding and emotionally exhausting. I have a professional standard (and others do too) that I don't think I can live up to because I can barely communicate or think in IRL conversations now. Maybe a different job would be better suited to my state of being but I would need to work 3x as much to make the same pay. Damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation.

The thing is that I do WANT to use it, but now I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. Especially leaving my partner behind, but I'm no good like this.

I'm really proud of you for being able to work, I really am. And what you said about stopping and not being able to start again... maybe that's part of what's happened with me.

I totally understand. The most basic tasks I can barely get done at this point, but this is not the first time I've experienced this. The way I have gotten out of this in the past is by finding some sort of motivation and then becoming one with it. The method that usually worked for me in the past was that I would create a morning meditation. First I create it on a document or piece of paper, a bunch of affirmations filled with my goals, or something that sounds like I'm talking to myself as if I am my own best friend. For example, "Good morning FindingPeace 8! Your going to have a great productive day today! I know your depressed, and you've been thru a lot, but you have new goals, and if you do a little bit every day to reach them, you will find yourself in a much better place within the next few months. So right now just focus on getting out of bed, and brushing your teeth! Get up, you can do it!, then eat breakfast, and start working on your goals, let's go beautiful! This is the beginning of your success story and in a few years you'll be helping others get out of a dark place! It's a new day! get up, let's go!" Then after writing this motivational script, I will record it on my iPhone using a voice note and I will force myself to read the script sounding like a happy full of energy version of myself (the REAL me, or who I want to sound like). Then I will play it everyday as soon as I wake up to motivate myself out of bed. I may have to create a couple meditations to really get the job done, and get thru the day. Also, I create a dream/vision board so that I have a visual of my goals for motivation, and I put it somewhere where I can see it thru out the day. If you don't know what a dream/vision board is, you can go to Youtube. Basically, the law of attraction was my thing, and faith in God. If you don't have the energy to do these things yet, try listening to motivational speakers, or affirmations on Youtube to raise your faith, energy, and confidence. I will tell you this, last time I was extremely depressed, I used these methods to start an eBay store and it reached $100,000 in monthly sales which was my greatest entrepreneurial achievement. This current depression happened when my store was shut down, and I spent my savings, and failed at a different business. I'm trying to pick myself up from this depression, but it might be the worst one. I hope my advice helps you.

Wow, $100,000 is more than I'd ever hope to make. It's amazing you were able to do that. I do listen to positive sleep videos every single night and in the morning/afternoon when I wake up. I've been doing so for months. I guess they couldn't stave off or fix this episode so far, but I'm still going to listen to them every night with "hope." Maybe I should create my own affirmations though, like you did.

I'm sending you a big virtual hug. I often want to hug people here too. And tell them I love them.

Please just be gentle with yourself. I know how difficult that is. It takes some guidance to learn how to do that. I could recommend books if you like reading otherwise there are other sources to get inspiration from. Being curious about my own suffering has been key to me, but that's me and we all cope differently. But seriously, be gentle. Give yourself time to adjust to these big changes before deciding anything major. Maybe you can take a half load of classes instead of full? If possible that could really help keep you balanced.

I know how hellish the cycles are. We all experience different hells but in the end it's still just hell. Having it repeat over and over again is really disheartening and hard. People who don't experience it don't get why we want to just be done.

I'm trying. You really do help me feel more understood. I have a lot to live for but I also have a lot to die because of. Throughout my life, I've often daydreamer about running away to a Buddhist monastery because I don't think people are meant to live the way we do in modern society. Honestly, wageslaves to debt and capitalism.

Thank you again. *big hugs*

 

[downndone2]

You dont have to take just because you bought it. Put in a dark place, like under your bathroom sink if no one checks there, remove any labels.
You can make the money you spent on it back in no time
Please dont make any decisions you arent ready for, theres no going back.
I hope you feel better whatever choice you make

 

[Why Me?]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. My new job is fast paced and interpersonal. It's something I've been great at and have been doing for a decade (before covid) but it is also physically demanding and emotionally exhausting. I have a professional standard (and others do too) that I don't think I can live up to because I can barely communicate or think in IRL conversations now. Maybe a different job would be better suited to my state of being but I would need to work 3x as much to make the same pay. Damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation.

The thing is that I do WANT to use it, but now I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. Especially leaving my partner behind, but I'm no good like this.

I'm really proud of you for being able to work, I really am. And what you said about stopping and not being able to start again... maybe that's part of what's happened with me.

Wow, $100,000 is more than I'd ever hope to make. It's amazing you were able to do that. I do listen to positive sleep videos every single night and in the morning/afternoon when I wake up. I've been doing so for months. I guess they couldn't stave off or fix this episode so far, but I'm still going to listen to them every night with "hope." Maybe I should create my own affirmations though, like you did.

I'm trying. You really do help me feel more understood. I have a lot to live for but I also have a lot to die because of. Throughout my life, I've often daydreamer about running away to a Buddhist monastery because I don't think people are meant to live the way we do in modern society. Honestly, wageslaves to debt and capitalism.

Thank you again. *big hugs*

Yeah, when you create your own audio/affirmations, you can customize it with specific personal information about yourself so that it can really penetrate your heart.

P.S. I made $100,000 in sales monthly, but my profit margin was 10% of that. Still an achievement for me though.

 

[affinity]

Edit: I also want to say I feel bad for those who have stronger willpower than me at the moment who don't have access to N. I couldn't afford it but I bought it anyway. So I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. And I do still want to die.

I just need to get this off of my chest. I found this community about a month ago. I was feeling so desperate, empty, and suicidal all day, every day for weeks (woke up thinking about it and went to bed thinking about it) and was really glad to finally find an open and non-judgmental discussion board. The first time I remember wanting to die I was 8.

I've suffered from chronic low level depression, anxiety, and PTSD/C-PTSD basically my whole life. But, every few years I will cycle into a major crippling depressive episode. My brain basically shuts down, I lose my intelligence, my humor, my drive, my emotions, my personality, and I cannot even hold conversations. I can barely get out of bed and I have a really hard time eating or doing even the most basic of tasks. I'm under 100 pounds now. I literally feel disabled. I am a burden to my partner (who is already terrible at keeping up the house and meals, he has other good traits).

I come from a rough background and just don't see much hope for my personal future or the future of this beautiful world we are destroying. I have a little bit of savings but not much and I wanted to die so badly I figured spending it on two bottles of N wouldn't make a difference if I'm dead.

My partner noticed I've been different for a while and he urged me to go to the doctor. The doctor prescribed me antidepressants. I'm a little over a week in and I don't want to die as bad but I still don't have much hope and I still can't function. Like I literally can't fucking function.

I was supposed to start a new job last week but the doctor saw how severely depressed I am and wrote me a note so I don't have to start until May. I also couldn't get a therapy appointment scheduled until May.

So now I spent money on N that I couldn't really afford, still can't function, have no income, and want to die less than I did before. Wtf.

If I didn't care about traumatizing my partner so much it would easier. Also, he's also currently unemployed so he's home all the time. He's going to see his family next weekend and that might be my only window but now IDK if I have the will to do it. And I can't keep the bottles in my fridge because he could find them so I'm worried about shelf life when summer hits in a couple months. He almost caught me opening the package at 2am as it is. I felt horrible but I had to lie and say it was something else.

I feel like I'm in limbo at this point. I wish I could return the N for a refund so I am forced deal with moving forward (some-fucking-how I honestly don't know how though) or I wish I still had the full courage to CTB. Or as weird as it sounds I wish I could trade my N to someone on the street that would just inject me with a lethal dose of heroine and hide my body in a bush so I don't have to do the act myself.

All I want to do is drink alcohol and lament my brain shutting down again, but that doesn't help either.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm in a dark place and I haven't been responding to the few friends I have because I can't hold conversations. I'm pushing people away. I'm so embarrassed about myself and my life right now. This is no way to live. I wish I could be institutionalized in one of the rich people posh institutions and be taken care of until I (hopefully) get better, but I'm by no means well off. The last episode of disabling depression I had took almost a year to start improving from. I cannot go through that again.

Thank you to anybody who took the time to read this. On one hand I'm soooo thankful to this community and on the other hand I wish I never found it because then I wouldn't have spent my money and feel in CTB limbo. I still want to die, but have lost a lot of the will to do it myself. I know it sounds stupid but that's how I feel. I wish someone would do it for me. Inject me, shoot me in the head in my sleep, chloroform me and then strangle me. Something where I don't have to feel pain. Ugh. I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you.

Edit: I know this is a long shot but does anyone have any advice? Does anyone else here feel literally disabled by depressive episodes to the point where you can't function/work/eat? How do the bills get paid? Wtf is this reality.

Excluding having a partner and N, it is eerie how much this describes my life. I went from making close to six figures in a high performing profession, having a beautiful home, a very nice (fully paid for) vehicle, friends, self esteem, ability to go on trips to being unemployed, homeless and 2 nights away from being out on the street. I wish I could say I did something atrocious or even remotely bad, but alas, the universe hasn't been my biggest fan over the past 3-4 years.

The depression, anxiety, shame, self loathing and now near blinding rage is inexplicable. I try my best to be productive around the hotel room and ensure my cats are well cared for. I go for long walks (8 - 10 KM per day) and I've been completing assessments for jobs.

I know you're probably thinking, "Wow. That's impressive". But really, I feel so beyond empty. I'm either in tears, full scale alarm anxiety, suicidally depressed or enraged. My usual go to's don't make me happy, let alone bring me any comfort. Being in a constant state of being uncomfortable is awful.

The problem is waiting for something good to happen and while I have a friend who has been been giving me $, they can't keep doing this indefinitely. I need a miracle. Tonight I became so despondent, I took a handful of pills and while I know they won't kill me - that SI kicks in. But really, it didn't feel like times before and I suspect this time around, if my attempts at manifestation (you know, all the times you've visualized using guided mediation or scripting) don't work within the next 48 hours? I will be truly ready as I will be on the street and I can't let that happen to my cats. I will die in this room and have my friend called to come and get them first.

So you asked what to do? Good freaking question. I'm trying to find those answers myself. It's been mentioned before, but finding something, anything to look forward to is key, no matter how silly. I guess…do whatever you have to do to ride the ebb to get you to the flow of life…it's either that or make the decision that is is indeed your time.

It sounds like you do have some things that could pique your interest in to keep you in the game so to speak. Focus on those or just pick one. Plus, it sounds like you're responding well to the anti depressants, so perhaps that will keep you afloat until you see your therapist and begin a new job you just might like.

**PS: sorry for hijacking your thread with my foolishness**

 

[FindingPeace8]

Excluding having a partner and N, it is eerie how much this describes my life. I went from making close to six figures in a high performing profession, having a beautiful home, a very nice (fully paid for) vehicle, friends, self esteem, ability to go on trips to being unemployed, homeless and 2 nights away from being out on the street. I wish I could say I did something atrocious or even remotely bad, but alas, the universe hasn't been my biggest fan over the past 3-4 years.

The depression, anxiety, shame, self loathing and now near blinding rage is inexplicable. I try my best to be productive around the hotel room and ensure my cats are well cared for. I go for long walks (8 - 10 KM per day) and I've been completing assessments for jobs.

I know you're probably thinking, "Wow. That's impressive". But really, I feel so beyond empty. I'm either in tears, full scale alarm anxiety, suicidally depressed or enraged. My usual go to's don't make me happy, let alone bring me any comfort. Being in a constant state of being uncomfortable is awful.

The problem is waiting for something good to happen and while I have a friend who has been been giving me $, they can't keep doing this indefinitely. I need a miracle. Tonight I became so despondent, I took a handful of pills and while I know they won't kill me - that SI kicks in. But really, it didn't feel like times before and I suspect this time around, if my attempts at manifestation (you know, all the times you've visualized using guided mediation or scripting) don't work within the next 48 hours? I will be truly ready as I will be on the street and I can't let that happen to my cats. I will die in this room and have my friend called to come and get them first.

So you asked what to do? Good freaking question. I'm trying to find those answers myself. It's been mentioned before, but finding something, anything to look forward to is key, no matter how silly. I guess…do whatever you have to do to ride the ebb to get you to the flow of life…it's either that or make the decision that is is indeed your time.

It sounds like you do have some things that could pique your interest in to keep you in the game so to speak. Focus on those or just pick one. Plus, it sounds like you're responding well to the anti depressants, so perhaps that will keep you afloat until you see your therapist and begin a new job you just might like.

**PS: sorry for hijacking your thread with my foolishness**

Hey there, no need for sorrys. I'm glad you are expressing yourself. It really is amazing you are getting things done during the day. I've been laying in bed all day. I told myself I would shower today, I told myself I would eat more today, I told myself I would reply to texts sitting in my inbox today, I told myself I would do something around my home. Instead I've basically been on this website all day or looking for easy remote jobs I qualify for to no avail. The fact you are walking so much and have job assessments being worked on really is something to be proud of.

I'm sorry you are going through such a rollercoaster of emotions. I don't feel anything anymore. My mind is blank and my attention span is shit. I have almost no emotions, no motivation, or even the will to eat. All my smiles are fake. I wish I could feel things again even if it's sadness or anger. I either feel nothing or I feel anxiety. I took a codeine pill that I had stashed away today and that made me feel more relaxed at least.

If you had such a great life before, you still might be able to get back there, or at least out of the hole. You sound like a capable person. I'm rooting for you!

I've never had a "great" life but I have been capable for years at a time. I'm literally incapable now. This is bullshit. How the hell do our brains just malfunction? What's the fucking point of working so hard and it leading to losing everything? I fucking feel for you, I really hope I don't end up homeless too.

 

[Pluto]

I feel that possessing N is like having an emergency ejection seat in an aircraft. It's of value because it provides an antidote to society's view that everyone should suffer indefinitely for decades regardless of quality of life. Keep it somewhere safe and know that you have a right to control your destiny.

As for recovery, most people would recommend a multi-pronged approach. The right medication can enable the brain to function to a basic extent. The right therapy can help reduce the ongoing effects of past trauma. The right lifestyle choices can enable slow and steady progress towards normalcy.

I understand what you say about financial hardship, though. In my own case, I was driven by a fear of homelessness. It gave me enough energy to fake my way through one day after another at work, only to collapse and be bed-ridden on my days off. In fact, this lifestyle continues to this day, though by now I've mostly paid off my own house. I got a lot of benefit out of delving into Eastern philosophy, too.

I don't know what advice to give since I'm far from any sort of success story myself, but you sound like a beautiful soul despite what you've been through, and I hope you are able to win this battle.