xlostie
All I wanna hear is music
- Aug 20, 2023
- 12
Not seeking for something just wanna vent about some things im afraid to say. It might not be very well written im not fluent in english.
About a year ago i lost two of my closest relatives - my mother, after that my grandmother (my mother's mother). At first i was sad about it, it's normal. Some time went by i wasn't feeling so bad about losing them but i don't feel like the person i was before that. I seek constant attention from everyone, probably because i need the attention my mom gave to me, but no one can compare to her (duh). My dad is trying to communicate with me more I'm trying too but it isn't really working. My brother doesn't talk with me as much as he used to (which makes me really sad).
Since then I feel like scared of living, like something bad is going to happen. When im alone at night im scared that someone might brake into the place i live and harm me, im scared when i go to work that a bus might get over me, scared that when i go out with friends someone might put something into our drinks and ect. I'm also scared of getting old and having children who might lose me or i might lose them, scared that most certainly ill get sick (probably phisically and mentally) and ill be a burden and even if im not I'll suffer untill my day comes. And i know that i cannot control what's going to happen and i shouldn't think about it but I can't stop. It's like a loop in my head i think about not wanting to be here then i calm down and think about the good stuff, but then fear hits again and so on.
I also think about my past mistakes, what if they ruin my future.
People close to me won't get it seriously or will be to concerned not sure but I don't feel like sharing this with them. I thought about talking with psychologist but not sure that they will tell me something I don't already know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, plus i don't know if I'll be able to say everything out loud.
I'm not sure if this is because of my mom but her death marks the beginning of my 'dark thoughts'. Not thinking about ctb rn but not really enjoying my time as a living person.
Thank you.
About a year ago i lost two of my closest relatives - my mother, after that my grandmother (my mother's mother). At first i was sad about it, it's normal. Some time went by i wasn't feeling so bad about losing them but i don't feel like the person i was before that. I seek constant attention from everyone, probably because i need the attention my mom gave to me, but no one can compare to her (duh). My dad is trying to communicate with me more I'm trying too but it isn't really working. My brother doesn't talk with me as much as he used to (which makes me really sad).
Since then I feel like scared of living, like something bad is going to happen. When im alone at night im scared that someone might brake into the place i live and harm me, im scared when i go to work that a bus might get over me, scared that when i go out with friends someone might put something into our drinks and ect. I'm also scared of getting old and having children who might lose me or i might lose them, scared that most certainly ill get sick (probably phisically and mentally) and ill be a burden and even if im not I'll suffer untill my day comes. And i know that i cannot control what's going to happen and i shouldn't think about it but I can't stop. It's like a loop in my head i think about not wanting to be here then i calm down and think about the good stuff, but then fear hits again and so on.
I also think about my past mistakes, what if they ruin my future.
People close to me won't get it seriously or will be to concerned not sure but I don't feel like sharing this with them. I thought about talking with psychologist but not sure that they will tell me something I don't already know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, plus i don't know if I'll be able to say everything out loud.
I'm not sure if this is because of my mom but her death marks the beginning of my 'dark thoughts'. Not thinking about ctb rn but not really enjoying my time as a living person.
Thank you.
