Venting I barely even want to go through with the plans I had before CTBing

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

My plan was to go across the east coast of the US on a bike to end up back home, giving myself some good thinking time to decide and to record some of my experiences to make into a video series that I release after my death, do all the stuff I want at home then CTB in a good place. I don't fully know how it happened but over the course of half a month, I've gone from being fairly motivated and happy to take this journey and have as happy of an ending as I can get it to now just wanting it all done and over with.

The thought of being home and still doing all that stuff does sound good, but I feel that I'd be missing out big time not taking that travel, but god damn it I am tired. I don't know how I can get myself motivated to do it again, I know a bit of the reason is because of fear over how long it'd take and how much suffering I might endure because I am not athletic whatsoever, but I feel like that's just part of the reason, if there even is any other besides tired and fear... mostly tired probably.

Barely willing to do much of anything, the thought of just getting a renewed ID and buying the damn gun alone is tiring as hell. Fuck, I'm barely willing to continue my note, hopefully it'll all pass so I don't have to begrudgingly force myself to do it all, rather just have that little bit of motivation. I don't want to die in Florida, it's not my home, not where I feel most comfortable, and well, it's Florida.

I was very motivated at the thought of being home and seeing a couple old friends that I recently reconnected with along with my town's food and stuff like that, it's quickly changed from the thought of having all three of them with me one last time to damn near none. One doesn't like/trust me because of the stuff I did in my past, by the time I get up there with the plan of bikepacking, my second friend will have his newborn to take care of and maybe won't be willing or even wanting to see me, I doubt he cares that much but who knows... then I have my friend that I've known the longest that would probably be with me, but god damn I still feel like a burden. I'm sure if I brought up the idea of meeting up again then he'd be all about it, but it probably won't be the same, not at all. He has his adult life, he's living with his girlfriend as do all of my friends so the only place we could actually chill without others around would be the school playground at night or something. He barely knows me now and I get the impression that he's about the same but more subdued because adulthood, it won't be the same.

I don't have the motivation to travel, barely do any kind of videos, there's damn near nothing for me up north so I'm just here stuck with no idea what to do. Maybe it'll pass, I don't know. I'm stuck with indecision and a lack of motivation to do anything. I don't even know why I'm posting this... I'm allowed to vent but god damn I feel like a whiny loser, then again I've been feeling that for a little while now so it's nothing new.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Thank you for posting, I can relate to not feeling like doing anything and losing motivation for any plans I might have had, so I understand. I like when people just post their thoughts, I like reading them, and relating can be nice even if perhaps it's not such a good thing to relate over.

Are there any hobbies you can still partake in even if perhaps they don't bring you as much joy or anything? If you like watching tv shows/movies/animes, perhaps you could watch some related to biking/traveling/bikepacking - basically such a trip as you had planned. Though I understand if you've been drained of energy to do those now, I have as well. But I remember a while back when I still could, and I'd watch an anime about biking or camping and it would really make me want to go out and do those things (not that I could most times). I know it's dumb, really the only thing I could think of aside from just giving it time and seeing if it passes.

The fear of such a journey would paralyze me too. For that reason I've never run away. Even if I think things like, "well I don't care what happens to me even if something did happen," that doesn't stop the fear. There's especially the fear that I'd get hurt but it would just be that - I wouldn't die but I'd be stuck worse off. It's hard to undertake anything new, and more so an unknown journey. Perhaps if you have the energy to consider/edit plans you could just go over things again and see where that leads. It's probably okay to compromise on some aspects especially if it gets you to where you'd rather be in the end - home. "Who says you can't go home" (this song came to my mind randomly lol) I've never been on a plane or a proper train or even a Greyhound bus. Not that those are the best options for you personally, but perhaps another option would still lead to a worthwhile journey?

As for your friends, I'd go for it and not worry too much how it would go until after it happens. If one friend will have a baby then offer to babysit or bring/make food to give them a day off from it, that would probably make them much more accepting and happy for company. We may always feel like a burden but it's different for everyone how they actually feel. Some people would probably be happy to involve you even with their significant other. Maybe their significant other needs a friend as well. I don't know the dynamics of your friendships though, so I apologize if anything I said didn't come off wrong.

For some reason despite me never having energy to do anything myself, I do seem to like throwing out ideas lol Just my random two cents, so take it for as much as you'd like. I wish you the best with figuring out things and what you want to do.

 

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

Thank you for posting, I can relate to not feeling like doing anything and losing motivation for any plans I might have had, so I understand. I like when people just post their thoughts, I like reading them, and relating can be nice even if perhaps it's not such a good thing to relate over.

It's nice to hear that even the long post is appreciated coming from a person that doesn't know me, good to know that it's not worth nothing at least!

Are there any hobbies you can still partake in even if perhaps they don't bring you as much joy or anything? If you like watching tv shows/movies/animes, perhaps you could watch some related to biking/traveling/bikepacking - basically such a trip as you had planned. Though I understand if you've been drained of energy to do those now, I have as well. But I remember a while back when I still could, and I'd watch an anime about biking or camping and it would really make me want to go out and do those things (not that I could most times). I know it's dumb, really the only thing I could think of aside from just giving it time and seeing if it passes.

The only ones that I can still make a bit of time and energy for is just pro wrestling, which definitely doesn't help when it comes to that topic, and things like Twitch and YouTube, which can sometimes only get you so far even with the x amount of content about it on YouTube. It's definitely helped my motivation in that regard and maybe it's a thing that I just need to get back on it but I don't really know at this point.
Wish I could watch shows or movies, I would be down for the idea of watching anime related to it or anything of the sort but ADHD and hyper-empathy syndrome get in the way. It's either I want to watch whatever show related to... well really anything, and it just becomes mentally painful to continue more than probably two hours, just not stimulating enough (plus I'm not consistent when it comes to continuing to consume media of damn near any kind, I've abandoned so many games in the past half year it's ridiculous), or I end up getting way too connected with whatever character that hyper-empathy kicks in and drives me insane. Like, in the first three minutes of the first episode of Batman Beyond, Robin is in an amateur wrestling match at his school, the other guy cheats to win the match, tries to call him out on it but the coach completely rejects it and kicks him out of the gym for the day which just drove me up the wall and I couldn't get it off my mind for like an hour, with 45 minutes of that hour with the show turned off.

The fear of such a journey would paralyze me too. For that reason I've never run away. Even if I think things like, "well I don't care what happens to me even if something did happen," that doesn't stop the fear. There's especially the fear that I'd get hurt but it would just be that - I wouldn't die but I'd be stuck worse off. It's hard to undertake anything new, and more so an unknown journey. Perhaps if you have the energy to consider/edit plans you could just go over things again and see where that leads. It's probably okay to compromise on some aspects especially if it gets you to where you'd rather be in the end - home. "Who says you can't go home" (this song came to my mind randomly lol) I've never been on a plane or a proper train or even a Greyhound bus. Not that those are the best options for you personally, but perhaps another option would still lead to a worthwhile journey?

Being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a broken bone does not sound good at all, that, fatigue, and my never-ending relationship with burnout gets in the way of me wanting to do it like crazy. I already suffer with existence enough, I don't want a broken bone or whatever alongside it lmao.
I've thought about getting a plane or Amtrak or anything else for a little bit but that reduces a LOT of what I wanted the series to be, I wasn't planning much, just travelling, my thoughts of whatever, food maybe, whatever else, but going on something like that which would take me there in a few hours to a few days just takes my fascination of a big month+ plan I had in mind... I mean, it's still a consideration, absolutely, but damn. I don't quite know what I could do as a replacement, I have no car, the prospect about being around people while hitchhiking doesn't seem the most good for me, trainhopping is not at all wise for me... egh, idk, I'll still have to sleep on it for a while.

As for your friends, I'd go for it and not worry too much how it would go until after it happens. If one friend will have a baby then offer to babysit or bring/make food to give them a day off from it, that would probably make them much more accepting and happy for company. We may always feel like a burden but it's different for everyone how they actually feel. Some people would probably be happy to involve you even with their significant other. Maybe their significant other needs a friend as well. I don't know the dynamics of your friendships though, so I apologize if anything I said didn't come off wrong.

As for the baby stuff, I would most DEFINITELY want to stay away from them, I'm not a fan of babies at all, so there's that. As for food, there's not much I could do in either regard because by the time I'd get there, I'd probably only have a few dollars left that I'd want to spend on me, plus I don't plan to get an AirBnB to give me an opportunity to cook, and it wouldn't allow me the chance to have any true alone time unless I shell out a lot more money to get the owner of the place to leave for however long.
It'll have to be another thing that I sleep on, maybe I can make a compromise with my anxiety and just deal with being around people that I don't know and don't know me (their partners and whoever else), maybe I can try to ration out some cash for a BnB, I don't know. Added onto the dealing with people part, I feel like meeting new people and just mingling with them would be a kiiind of bad idea because that would be another relationship with someone that after a few days would come crashing down with my death.

Maybe I'm just yearning for a time of my past that I'd like to recreate but can't, stuff's changed and I don't know if it'd be worth trying. I knew it was a kind of small chance before when I was planning to get an AirBnB, but I was hoping to have one last sleepover like what had been done for years before when in school and leave them with good and nostalgic memories, but they're adults, they have jobs, partners, a kid. I seem to be the only one of us four that (even if I chose to live) would make the conscious decision and put effort into staying away from your traditional "9-5, get married, have a kid, shit yourself in a retirement home" type of life. If it were me, I would be SO down for it and just continue to love chilling with friends with little responsibility whether for the short-term or if I decided to live, but considering everything, with the possible exception of one, I don't see it happening. Still a thing I'll need to think about for a bit longer.

For some reason despite me never having energy to do anything myself, I do seem to like throwing out ideas lol Just my random two cents, so take it for as much as you'd like. I wish you the best with figuring out things and what you want to do.

I'm just the same, got no energy for anything but doing this and a couple other things to turn my brain off. I appreciate the response, I wish you the best as well.

 

[Lost Magic]

All I can say is, times change, people change, everything is temporary. All you can do is enjoy whatever time (you feel) you have left and don't feel bad about it. I had some nice plans before my ctb (most likely this year) but I know that they won't live up to my imagination. Just do what you feel you have the energy for and try to just live each day the best you can. Have fun!

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate to having no motivation for anything. Everything is tiring and all I want is to peacefully pass away. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I meant to reply sooner, but a lot of stuff got in the way. Thank you so much for replying to my reply, by the way.

The only ones that I can still make a bit of time and energy for is just pro wrestling, which definitely doesn't help when it comes to that topic, and things like Twitch and YouTube, which can sometimes only get you so far even with the x amount of content about it on YouTube. It's definitely helped my motivation in that regard and maybe it's a thing that I just need to get back on it but I don't really know at this point.
Wish I could watch shows or movies, I would be down for the idea of watching anime related to it or anything of the sort but ADHD and hyper-empathy syndrome get in the way. It's either I want to watch whatever show related to... well really anything, and it just becomes mentally painful to continue more than probably two hours, just not stimulating enough (plus I'm not consistent when it comes to continuing to consume media of damn near any kind, I've abandoned so many games in the past half year it's ridiculous), or I end up getting way too connected with whatever character that hyper-empathy kicks in and drives me insane.

What pro wrestling are you into? I can relate to what you said about wishing I could get into certain things, I only have a few I still consistently watch. I try to force myself to watch things with meals (since I'm alone then anyways, and my hands can't type). A series you could try is Kino's Journey, I had wanted to mention this earlier but again just didn't get to. It's very relaxed so perhaps you won't want to watch it too long, but if you still like the idea of a bike journey, I feel like it shows how such a journey can be enlightening and unexpected. Though Kino has a talking motorcycle, I wish we could get those. I can understand if you don't want to try things though with the hyper-empathy, just wanted to throw that series out if you didn't know it.

Being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a broken bone does not sound good at all, that, fatigue, and my never-ending relationship with burnout gets in the way of me wanting to do it like crazy. I already suffer with existence enough, I don't want a broken bone or whatever alongside it lmao.
I've thought about getting a plane or Amtrak or anything else for a little bit but that reduces a LOT of what I wanted the series to be, I wasn't planning much, just travelling, my thoughts of whatever, food maybe, whatever else, but going on something like that which would take me there in a few hours to a few days just takes my fascination of a big month+ plan I had in mind... I mean, it's still a consideration, absolutely, but damn. I don't quite know what I could do as a replacement, I have no car, the prospect about being around people while hitchhiking doesn't seem the most good for me, trainhopping is not at all wise for me... egh, idk, I'll still have to sleep on it for a while.

As for the baby stuff, I would most DEFINITELY want to stay away from them, I'm not a fan of babies at all, so there's that. As for food, there's not much I could do in either regard because by the time I'd get there, I'd probably only have a few dollars left that I'd want to spend on me, plus I don't plan to get an AirBnB to give me an opportunity to cook, and it wouldn't allow me the chance to have any true alone time unless I shell out a lot more money to get the owner of the place to leave for however long.
It'll have to be another thing that I sleep on, maybe I can make a compromise with my anxiety and just deal with being around people that I don't know and don't know me (their partners and whoever else), maybe I can try to ration out some cash for a BnB, I don't know. Added onto the dealing with people part, I feel like meeting new people and just mingling with them would be a kiiind of bad idea because that would be another relationship with someone that after a few days would come crashing down with my death.

Again, really sorry I couldn't respond sooner. But in all that you sent, I felt like you pointed out some things you really don't want and I think it's good if you narrow it down to what you don't want to compromise on and what you would ideally still like to do. How are you doing now and what's the status of your plan? Would you still like to do it? Anyways what you said about the Amtrak/plane/etc. shows you do still have great preferences and I think it's good to realize/point out stuff like that. Personally I still kind of like the idea of hopping on a Geyhound and traveling far away, you would be stuck with others but that's an adventure in and of itself (you'll probably meet lots of colorful characters too). Though I am (or was really) a big biking fanatic so when I first read you mention your idea I was hoping you'd see it through. To that end maybe you can read blogs of bikers who went cross country, or you could start by just trying to get out and ride your bike more and perhaps remind yourself that you do enjoy biking (if you do enjoy it). I'm honestly really wishing you the best since I enjoy hearing of such journeys especially on bike, since like I said I like biking, but put your own interests first of course and go with whatever is best for you.

Maybe I'm just yearning for a time of my past that I'd like to recreate but can't, stuff's changed and I don't know if it'd be worth trying. I knew it was a kind of small chance before when I was planning to get an AirBnB, but I was hoping to have one last sleepover like what had been done for years before when in school and leave them with good and nostalgic memories, but they're adults, they have jobs, partners, a kid. I seem to be the only one of us four that (even if I chose to live) would make the conscious decision and put effort into staying away from your traditional "9-5, get married, have a kid, shit yourself in a retirement home" type of life. If it were me, I would be SO down for it and just continue to love chilling with friends with little responsibility whether for the short-term or if I decided to live, but considering everything, with the possible exception of one, I don't see it happening. Still a thing I'll need to think about for a bit longer.

I'm just the same, got no energy for anything but doing this and a couple other things to turn my brain off. I appreciate the response, I wish you the best as well.

I can really relate to this, though for me some of it is wishing I could just go back and live things differently. I think a lot of people might feel the same or at least have moments where they yearn to return to the past, so that might work in your favor. Perhaps your friends would love an excuse to go back to those days, even if only temporarily, with you. It might be a, "you don't know unless you try." I'd say I'd think it was worth trying but if it doesn't go well, then it doesn't, try not to invest too much in how it turns out since you are all different people. And this journey should be for you as well, so do what you want in the end. I do hope you can think on everything and what you want to do. I'm rooting for the best for you, whatever form that takes.

 

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

What pro wrestling are you into? I can relate to what you said about wishing I could get into certain things, I only have a few I still consistently watch. I try to force myself to watch things with meals (since I'm alone then anyways, and my hands can't type). A series you could try is Kino's Journey, I had wanted to mention this earlier but again just didn't get to. It's very relaxed so perhaps you won't want to watch it too long, but if you still like the idea of a bike journey, I feel like it shows how such a journey can be enlightening and unexpected. Though Kino has a talking motorcycle, I wish we could get those. I can understand if you don't want to try things though with the hyper-empathy, just wanted to throw that series out if you didn't know it.

As for pro wrestling, I tend to watch AEW each week along with whatever sounds interesting online. Bad wrestling can be absolutely horrible, but good wrestling can be absolutely fantastic, watching good wrestling along with other things from that interest like theme music, watching promos, and writing my own stuff are one of the few things keeping me going, for better and for worse. If you want specifics then trying to look for a copy of AEW Revolution 2022 from a couple days ago is a great start, the entire show is great (though I wish it would have intermissions) but if you'd want only a few to check out since it's a looong show, go for Punk vs MJF, Young Bucks vs reDRagon vs Jurassic Express, and the AHFO vs Sammy, Darby & Sting are greatly recommended if you're interested.

Going off the Before You Watch that I found on YouTube about the series, Kino's Journey does interest me a bit, I hope I can remember to give it a chance when I can feel up to it.

Again, really sorry I couldn't respond sooner. But in all that you sent, I felt like you pointed out some things you really don't want and I think it's good if you narrow it down to what you don't want to compromise on and what you would ideally still like to do. How are you doing now and what's the status of your plan? Would you still like to do it? Anyways what you said about the Amtrak/plane/etc. shows you do still have great preferences and I think it's good to realize/point out stuff like that. Personally I still kind of like the idea of hopping on a Geyhound and traveling far away, you would be stuck with others but that's an adventure in and of itself (you'll probably meet lots of colorful characters too). Though I am (or was really) a big biking fanatic so when I first read you mention your idea I was hoping you'd see it through. To that end maybe you can read blogs of bikers who went cross country, or you could start by just trying to get out and ride your bike more and perhaps remind yourself that you do enjoy biking (if you do enjoy it). I'm honestly really wishing you the best since I enjoy hearing of such journeys especially on bike, since like I said I like biking, but put your own interests first of course and go with whatever is best for you.

I would still like to do it, but I'm steadily losing hope that I will. It's a strange thing, I just got off some meds that were making my mental state worse, which on the surface could be a good thing but it's definitely not when the person still doesn't want to live. My mental health has gotten better but that's made a worse situation, I no longer have as intense of a motivation to go, but I still refuse to live. I did a teensy bit of consideration trying to see if I had a bit of a subconscious change of heart somehow, but it still comes to the same result as it had been, just now harder to convince myself to actually run the errands I need to do to let myself go bye-bye.

At this point, I'm kind of stuck, if I had to bike a few states north to get home then I would, but biking like 1300 miles to get home does not sound fun. Fun experiences, sure, but most of the time will be taken up by torturing myself physically. Of course, I don't need to go on massive treks like 100 miles a day or anything like that, not at all, but a lot of it would still be hell on my body as I'm not used to any of it and some terrains could be hellish for me. I could practice, absolutely, I was tempted (and still am but not as much) to practice for a while, had plans of trying to bikepack around the city, then outside the city, going further and further out, even considering doing a trip to Georgia and back for that practice, but then I remembered that it's hot in the southern US.
The heat and the humidity down here is the worst, I've bordered Canada for like 19 years and the amount of time that I haven't had all been in a room with consistent AC going so I've never really had a chance to get used to it, hell, I remember several times going home down here and waiting for a bus after a 3 minute walk from the store to the bus stop, my arms were as if I had dunked them in water barely 10 seconds before noticing. It's not even a hard walk, just 3 minutes across a road, not tiring whatsoever but I still end up sweating profusely even in that small time. That's a large part of why I'm kind of dreading the thought of doing it, I could go on roads and only roads the entire time but I know that I will end up drenched, and if not roads then I'd replace a smooth journey and trade it for being in a woody area and having to deal with that terrain for the hope of it being shaded and cool. Maybe I'm just doubting how much area there is that's shaded and also smooth to ride on, unsure. Wish I just had to go east or west instead of north, at least then I wouldn't have to deal with hellish temperatures and humidity.

As for doing Greyhound, Amtrak, taking a plane and whatever else, I don't see those happening. I plan to get a gun to do the deed with, so getting on any of those with a firearm would be damn near impossible unless I want to risk being in jail or prison or whatever the penalty would be, as well as crossing borders with it... this plan is sounding more and more fucked up the more I type it out lmao. That's another reason I drifted towards getting a bike, it's only me for the whole journey with my stuff being hidden in a bag, I'd still be committing that crime but it's sooo less likely to get caught, especially considering how many cameras I would have at my disposal if a cop were to harass me. I'd get one in my home state but I don't have a valid state ID there and I'm certain I can't use a Florida ID to get one. I may need a third option.

I can really relate to this, though for me some of it is wishing I could just go back and live things differently. I think a lot of people might feel the same or at least have moments where they yearn to return to the past, so that might work in your favor. Perhaps your friends would love an excuse to go back to those days, even if only temporarily, with you. It might be a, "you don't know unless you try." I'd say I'd think it was worth trying but if it doesn't go well, then it doesn't, try not to invest too much in how it turns out since you are all different people. And this journey should be for you as well, so do what you want in the end. I do hope you can think on everything and what you want to do. I'm rooting for the best for you, whatever form that takes.

I wish I could have lived things differently as well, along with just... I don't know, dynamics being different, I guess. The wish to have a childhood where it wasn't just friends memeing around, that's what's typical of guys to do, be afraid if not unable to feel or share emotions with each other, y'know, emotional health between each other and all that. That's what I was initially hoping for with getting together with them as well, just for once being real, not just being surface-level, all actually going in depth about whatever would be talked about. That's one of the things that I adore when being friends with women and queer people (like myself), not being afraid to be real and go in depth, introspection, going for hours about whatever and it actually having some worth instead of the extremely base-level stuff that's typically shared. I know it's not exclusive to women and queer people obviously, just the same with women and queer people not being afraid, but you understand. A chance for them to hopefully fully understand what's going on with me before passing, that's what I've done thus far with the stuff I plan to release, just wish I could repeat it all to them in real life without being upfront about me CTBing.

To some extent, it is a thing of not knowing till I try it, but it's also kind of a thing of "leaving on a bad note", not that I'd be mad at them, I don't know what'd happen, but leaving with the thoughts of them rejecting the idea and having that sour note be left with me when going would suck. It wouldn't matter since I'd be gone directly after, it'd suck, but it ultimately wouldn't matter to me myself unlike how it may to them after the fact. They might think that it's all their fault for what happened, no matter how much I could explain in all the notes I leave behind, there's always going to be that "what if I did go and spend the night" or whatever, in their mind, they may have had the chance to prevent this and the rejection is the final straw when that's not the case. Most people's answer is to live, mine isn't, but it's likely that they'd never be able to fully relate with that therefore leaving guilt in not "saving me". I seem to have all the time in the world to think on this, but fuck I hate continuing to think on it, just more time spent doing almost nothing, maybe I should just do what I can in Florida and finish it off here, it's not the worst option to have but definitely not preferred, but of course, it won't matter when I'm dead.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm a bit too out of it to give that great of a response, but it made me happy you replied, thank you for that.

As for pro wrestling, I tend to watch AEW each week along with whatever sounds interesting online. Bad wrestling can be absolutely horrible, but good wrestling can be absolutely fantastic, watching good wrestling along with other things from that interest like theme music, watching promos, and writing my own stuff are one of the few things keeping me going, for better and for worse. If you want specifics then trying to look for a copy of AEW Revolution 2022 from a couple days ago is a great start, the entire show is great (though I wish it would have intermissions) but if you'd want only a few to check out since it's a looong show, go for Punk vs MJF, Young Bucks vs reDRagon vs Jurassic Express, and the AHFO vs Sammy, Darby & Sting are greatly recommended if you're interested.

I'm actually a WWE fan myself (when I have the ability to get into things), not sure if that makes us at odds or not lol But I can appreciate wrestling and great to hear of another fan even if of a different company. Wrestlers are very impressive, and I do love a good wrestling theme song. I haven't even been keeping up with WWE events anymore though, sadly. It's hard for me to start anything new so I really relate with what you had mentioned about that and keeping attention to finish things as well.

I couldn't imagine the torture of biking in the South... well actually I can since summers where I am suck too. You mentioned you write, maybe you can get into that a bit more so you can still do something meaningful to you. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do and hope you'll maybe post sometimes (not that I'm good at checking/being on here haha).

I wish I could have lived things differently as well, along with just... I don't know, dynamics being different, I guess. The wish to have a childhood where it wasn't just friends memeing around, that's what's typical of guys to do, be afraid if not unable to feel or share emotions with each other, y'know, emotional health between each other and all that. That's what I was initially hoping for with getting together with them as well, just for once being real, not just being surface-level, all actually going in depth about whatever would be talked about. That's one of the things that I adore when being friends with women and queer people (like myself), not being afraid to be real and go in depth, introspection, going for hours about whatever and it actually having some worth instead of the extremely base-level stuff that's typically shared. I know it's not exclusive to women and queer people obviously, just the same with women and queer people not being afraid, but you understand. A chance for them to hopefully fully understand what's going on with me before passing, that's what I've done thus far with the stuff I plan to release, just wish I could repeat it all to them in real life without being upfront about me CTBing.

I can relate to this, but I've never really had childhood friends so really just truthfully confiding and talking with anyone irl would be nice. I guess at least we have these forums, right? So many what-ifs and if-onlys, it's very sad. There's no going back to what has already happened. I would love a chance to talk to some of the more long-lasting online friends I've had in person just once.

Do whatever you feel is best for you, or attempt to do that if you can. I wish you the best whatever happens. Thank you for your posts!

 

[zenn7]

My plan was to go across the east coast of the US on a bike to end up back home, giving myself some good thinking time to decide and to record some of my experiences to make into a video series that I release after my death, do all the stuff I want at home then CTB in a good place. I don't fully know how it happened but over the course of half a month, I've gone from being fairly motivated and happy to take this journey and have as happy of an ending as I can get it to now just wanting it all done and over with.

The thought of being home and still doing all that stuff does sound good, but I feel that I'd be missing out big time not taking that travel, but god damn it I am tired. I don't know how I can get myself motivated to do it again, I know a bit of the reason is because of fear over how long it'd take and how much suffering I might endure because I am not athletic whatsoever, but I feel like that's just part of the reason, if there even is any other besides tired and fear... mostly tired probably.

Barely willing to do much of anything, the thought of just getting a renewed ID and buying the damn gun alone is tiring as hell. Fuck, I'm barely willing to continue my note, hopefully it'll all pass so I don't have to begrudgingly force myself to do it all, rather just have that little bit of motivation. I don't want to die in Florida, it's not my home, not where I feel most comfortable, and well, it's Florida.

I was very motivated at the thought of being home and seeing a couple old friends that I recently reconnected with along with my town's food and stuff like that, it's quickly changed from the thought of having all three of them with me one last time to damn near none. One doesn't like/trust me because of the stuff I did in my past, by the time I get up there with the plan of bikepacking, my second friend will have his newborn to take care of and maybe won't be willing or even wanting to see me, I doubt he cares that much but who knows... then I have my friend that I've known the longest that would probably be with me, but god damn I still feel like a burden. I'm sure if I brought up the idea of meeting up again then he'd be all about it, but it probably won't be the same, not at all. He has his adult life, he's living with his girlfriend as do all of my friends so the only place we could actually chill without others around would be the school playground at night or something. He barely knows me now and I get the impression that he's about the same but more subdued because adulthood, it won't be the same.

I don't have the motivation to travel, barely do any kind of videos, there's damn near nothing for me up north so I'm just here stuck with no idea what to do. Maybe it'll pass, I don't know. I'm stuck with indecision and a lack of motivation to do anything. I don't even know why I'm posting this... I'm allowed to vent but god damn I feel like a whiny loser, then again I've been feeling that for a little while now so it's nothing new.

Many understand the exhaustion to do the basics I don't brush my teeth or eat breakfast. I have five prescriptions and I only bother with 2 for depression in the morning and then the rest later sometime.