DuplicateFeline
Member
- Jun 18, 2024
- 9
I had a date and method in mind. My plan was to double up on my usual meds and abuse my anxiety meds because they make me tired. I drank a lot as well because it made me less likely to chicken out. I woke up the next morning still alive, because I guess all the drugs put me to sleep before I could actually follow through. I was disappointed, but the experience changed my life.
See, the reason that I was attempting was because my girlfriend of 13 years had broken up with me about 8 months prior and it RUINED me. But when I woke up, I did some reflection, and I realized that my life was so much better without her. See, her mom tasked me with "fixing her" since I was about 16 because she couldn't figure out how to fix her herself, and it destroyed me. By the end, I realized what it was that her mom wanted me to fix, and that I simply could not fix it, because she took advantage of everything and everyone she could until their good will ran out.
She made messes that I had to clean up. She ate food that we insisted was not hers and lied about it. I had to almost bully her into making one meal a day, and it was usually something from a box, while I always made something with real meat and vegetables. She and my father hated each other even though we all lived together, and it made my relationship with my dad hell on earth because I felt like I had to be constantly defending her. She was relying on me for groceries and some bills even though all of my money came from working for my father and from my other partner, who just wanted me to not have to starve despite my girlfriend and I both being unemployed. I wasn't able to use the room that contained my entire indoor garden all day because she spent 16 hours a day on her computer, which happened to be in that room, because she was unwilling to spend even one hour doing something besides playing video games and talking to her online friends. She wasn't even willing to move her computer, because that room was very secluded, and she would have to bother the rest of the household if she put it anywhere else. It was a bit of a disaster, to put it lightly.
BUT NOW, I am able to do everything I want AND MORE, and I'm surprised that I didn't realize it before.
Where do I even begin? I take care of my indoor garden now. I delight every day in seeing my tomatoes bloom and watching their flowers turn into tiny cherry tomatoes. My relationship with my father has never been better. It's the same thing with my boyfriend, too. He has lots of money and gives me much more of it now that he can guarantee that all of it is going to go toward me and no one else. Because of that, I was able to start two aquariums (It started as one betta fish and one mystery snail, but my betta eats snail faces, so now I have a betta aquarium and a snail aquarium... Oops...) and take care of my other animals better than ever. She never wanted to drive me to the pet store to get crickets for my gecko and he got very skinny, but my dad brings me to the store every two weeks on the dot, so my lil guy is fattening back up nicely. He looks healthier than he has in years. All of my herbivores get fresh vegetables every night because I can afford them now. They all get good chunks of hay as well, because I can care about feeding THEM as much as I care about feeding ME. The aquariums have been especially helpful because both are exactly in my view when I'm sitting on my bed, and looking at either one of them just gives me a shot of dopamine. My snails are regenerating their faces and my betta is so happy and healthy that he went from being orange and white with some blue spots to being this INCREDIBLE deep blue with some orange in his fins. I read that that means that he's in a good environment and it makes my heart swell with pride.
There is just so much that I AM HAPPY ABOUT these days. I've been suicidal since I was 8 years old and I didn't know that I could feel any other way. I still resent my ex for breaking my heart, but man, it was easily the best thing that's happened to me. She recently mentioned that she still loves me in a way, but I'm done with her and her manipulation. I've got my plants, my animals, my father, and my boyfriend. I no longer need her, and I've never felt better.
TLDR: I attempted, failed, and realized that my life is so much better than it's ever been. Lots of things have changed and improved, and I'm looking forward to restarting my life as someone happy to be living.
See, the reason that I was attempting was because my girlfriend of 13 years had broken up with me about 8 months prior and it RUINED me. But when I woke up, I did some reflection, and I realized that my life was so much better without her. See, her mom tasked me with "fixing her" since I was about 16 because she couldn't figure out how to fix her herself, and it destroyed me. By the end, I realized what it was that her mom wanted me to fix, and that I simply could not fix it, because she took advantage of everything and everyone she could until their good will ran out.
She made messes that I had to clean up. She ate food that we insisted was not hers and lied about it. I had to almost bully her into making one meal a day, and it was usually something from a box, while I always made something with real meat and vegetables. She and my father hated each other even though we all lived together, and it made my relationship with my dad hell on earth because I felt like I had to be constantly defending her. She was relying on me for groceries and some bills even though all of my money came from working for my father and from my other partner, who just wanted me to not have to starve despite my girlfriend and I both being unemployed. I wasn't able to use the room that contained my entire indoor garden all day because she spent 16 hours a day on her computer, which happened to be in that room, because she was unwilling to spend even one hour doing something besides playing video games and talking to her online friends. She wasn't even willing to move her computer, because that room was very secluded, and she would have to bother the rest of the household if she put it anywhere else. It was a bit of a disaster, to put it lightly.
BUT NOW, I am able to do everything I want AND MORE, and I'm surprised that I didn't realize it before.
Where do I even begin? I take care of my indoor garden now. I delight every day in seeing my tomatoes bloom and watching their flowers turn into tiny cherry tomatoes. My relationship with my father has never been better. It's the same thing with my boyfriend, too. He has lots of money and gives me much more of it now that he can guarantee that all of it is going to go toward me and no one else. Because of that, I was able to start two aquariums (It started as one betta fish and one mystery snail, but my betta eats snail faces, so now I have a betta aquarium and a snail aquarium... Oops...) and take care of my other animals better than ever. She never wanted to drive me to the pet store to get crickets for my gecko and he got very skinny, but my dad brings me to the store every two weeks on the dot, so my lil guy is fattening back up nicely. He looks healthier than he has in years. All of my herbivores get fresh vegetables every night because I can afford them now. They all get good chunks of hay as well, because I can care about feeding THEM as much as I care about feeding ME. The aquariums have been especially helpful because both are exactly in my view when I'm sitting on my bed, and looking at either one of them just gives me a shot of dopamine. My snails are regenerating their faces and my betta is so happy and healthy that he went from being orange and white with some blue spots to being this INCREDIBLE deep blue with some orange in his fins. I read that that means that he's in a good environment and it makes my heart swell with pride.
There is just so much that I AM HAPPY ABOUT these days. I've been suicidal since I was 8 years old and I didn't know that I could feel any other way. I still resent my ex for breaking my heart, but man, it was easily the best thing that's happened to me. She recently mentioned that she still loves me in a way, but I'm done with her and her manipulation. I've got my plants, my animals, my father, and my boyfriend. I no longer need her, and I've never felt better.
TLDR: I attempted, failed, and realized that my life is so much better than it's ever been. Lots of things have changed and improved, and I'm looking forward to restarting my life as someone happy to be living.
I hope your life continues on the upswing!
. But reading about how much you realize how happier you are was nice to read. I'm glad you are in a happier place and see things through new eyes.
