Not sure whether this is rather off-topic. I think the abuse and bullying will probably lead to my suicide. Maybe this why this subforum.
It is a really sad thought. My life was so unfair. The game was rigged against me from the start. The abuse started when I was 5 and continued till 18. My mom almost beat me in front of my friends even after my first psychosis. Luckily she has stopped that behavior.
I will never fully recover of that nightmarish childhood and adolescence. Though I try to prevent the worst case poverty and rational suicide. My odds are clearly against me. But I try to fight.
I think some philosophers (maybe Slavoj Zizek) said people create narratives in order to deal with horrible pain/suffering. It helps them when they can blame people. To make the unimaginable (pain) somehow imaginable. Trying to find a reason for the suffering. Though I think in my case it is obvious that the abuse is responsible for my nightmarish life. Performance pressure triggers me extremely. And my mom pressured me insanely as a child. I am still feeling every single day extreme pressure on my shoulders. It is torturous. It is inhuman. I need huge amounts of medication to cope with it. And still I am struggling immenesly.
It is a discussion about counterfactuals which often leads to problems. It is kind of speculation. Maybe I would have developed mental illness anyway. Not sure about that. Maybe I would have gotten a more mild form. My conditions are really aggressive and severe. Quite hostile to life.
My genes are very bad. A lot of mental illnesses in my family. It was so obvious that abuse would trigger a horrible condition. I can even remember. I was 6. The abuse already started. I cried a lot after kindergarten. My behavior was kind of weird/striking. My mom talked about me to someone else. "Maybe he is also mentally ill like his grandmother". Yeah maybe it would have been a good idea to stop the abuse if you fear I get mental illness you stupid bitch. She rather punished me for OCD and other unusual behavior. She hit me a lot. She even hit me for telling her I want to kill myself when the first major depression started. She punished me for crying due to the abuse. She was a monster.
Yeah you will pay for it either way bitch. Either we will both endure poverty for decades or you will have to find my cold, dead body.
I try to be not that resentful. But sometimes I just lose it. Her life is worth living she enjoys life and I suffer daily immensely: Yeah life is fucking unfair. Life is so cynical.
It is a really sad thought. My life was so unfair. The game was rigged against me from the start. The abuse started when I was 5 and continued till 18. My mom almost beat me in front of my friends even after my first psychosis. Luckily she has stopped that behavior.
I will never fully recover of that nightmarish childhood and adolescence. Though I try to prevent the worst case poverty and rational suicide. My odds are clearly against me. But I try to fight.
I think some philosophers (maybe Slavoj Zizek) said people create narratives in order to deal with horrible pain/suffering. It helps them when they can blame people. To make the unimaginable (pain) somehow imaginable. Trying to find a reason for the suffering. Though I think in my case it is obvious that the abuse is responsible for my nightmarish life. Performance pressure triggers me extremely. And my mom pressured me insanely as a child. I am still feeling every single day extreme pressure on my shoulders. It is torturous. It is inhuman. I need huge amounts of medication to cope with it. And still I am struggling immenesly.
It is a discussion about counterfactuals which often leads to problems. It is kind of speculation. Maybe I would have developed mental illness anyway. Not sure about that. Maybe I would have gotten a more mild form. My conditions are really aggressive and severe. Quite hostile to life.
My genes are very bad. A lot of mental illnesses in my family. It was so obvious that abuse would trigger a horrible condition. I can even remember. I was 6. The abuse already started. I cried a lot after kindergarten. My behavior was kind of weird/striking. My mom talked about me to someone else. "Maybe he is also mentally ill like his grandmother". Yeah maybe it would have been a good idea to stop the abuse if you fear I get mental illness you stupid bitch. She rather punished me for OCD and other unusual behavior. She hit me a lot. She even hit me for telling her I want to kill myself when the first major depression started. She punished me for crying due to the abuse. She was a monster.
Yeah you will pay for it either way bitch. Either we will both endure poverty for decades or you will have to find my cold, dead body.
I try to be not that resentful. But sometimes I just lose it. Her life is worth living she enjoys life and I suffer daily immensely: Yeah life is fucking unfair. Life is so cynical.
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