Venting I Am Unwilling to Improve my life. I don't want to change.

[Dawn0071111]

I can't say this to anyone not even my therapist. But I don't give a fuck. People always try to convince me I am a good person and in some respects, that is true, i don't like to hurt people. But at the same time, I desire more than what is reasonable for the reality of life. I am maladapted to life completely. I am not interested in changing myself to fit this fucked up ass life. My pride and bitterness has taken me over and I tried religion for years to try and humble myself, surrender, practice accptance..... be in the now, live in the present moment.. yada yada. I'm just putting it out there how it is. I'm not MENTALLY ILL. I AM BITTER and just a little girl trapped in a 40 year old womans body who refuses to grow up and take on adult responsibilites... Who is having one big never ending temper tantrum that life hasn't gone my way AND I am not in ANY way WILLING to put in the WORK it would take to "create my own reality.."

I don't want to. Technically I could. But for all the people that I talk to----- No one not even the folk on the suicide hot line-- they tell me that can't make me WANT to live. Nope. No one can. I admit it. I'm just mad life didn't go my way and I have no interest in working hard to achieve my dreams. Not starting from the bottom at 40. With nothing. No money, very little skills, overweight, alone, no social circle, no kids, no job...... Every choice I made led me here to this spot. Even the trauma of last summer...... Yeah, I had a perpetrator, I was his target, It fucked me up and i am still PTSD/traumatized. But I know myself. I am lazy. I have very little character. I have always sought the easy way out all my life so I have never grown.... In some ways I have but, all I can say it that after living in 25 different institutions in foster care by the time I was 18 then put out to fend for myself alone..... I am now 40..22 years later everything is a mess. Many did go on to become successful, but many also ended up in prison, dead or on Skid row. And me, I just ended up being a morally weak, bitter, angry, immature woman with an inferiority complex whose only desire was to try and find a family and true love... But personality is so dysfuntional..could not even keep a job. Most successful thing i could accomplish was a 7 year marriage to a man I wasn't attracted to. That's all I could get. I never learned how to properly work hard, and for some reason I am opposed to it now.

I can't wait to calmly swallow those SN capsules with the backup of a the portable generator in the backseat............. Finally I can be in control. At peace. It will be over soon. That's how I soothe myself when the shame and humilation comes. "Don't worry... it will be over soon..."

 

[OverItAll]

Shit it was like I wrote that myself. Massive chip on my shoulder, with a woe-is-me victim mentality, bitter at the world, and perpetually enraged at all the evil, inconsiderate, selfish crap that people do.

Seriously, I can 100% relate to everything you have said.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Shit it was like I wrote that myself. Massive chip on my shoulder, with a woe-is-me victim mentality, bitter at the world, and perpetually enraged at all the evil, inconsiderate, selfish crap that people do.

Seriously, I can 100% relate to everything you have said.

Thanks. Good to know I'm not alone. No one grows up wanting to be like this... but of course we do have the option to change if we really wanted to right? But why bother...lol

 

[wendydong1]

You are definitely not alone. I think we are in similar boat. Some guy did a number on us, when we are already broken a little bit. My childhood experience is nowhere as bad as yours.

Everything that the nice people on this forum tells me, i know. The logical part of my brain knows. But emotionally, I am just exhausted. I am also 40, for the first time, wanted to really be with someone, then getting depression and probably PTSD after his treatment of me. I also don't have kids, never wanted one until I met him.

I am just too damn tired to climb myself out of it.

 

[AspergersX]

You are definitely not alone. I think we are in similar boat. Some guy did a number on us, when we are already broken a little bit. My childhood experience is nowhere as bad as yours.

Everything that the nice people on this forum tells me, i know. The logical part of my brain knows. But emotionally, I am just exhausted. I am also 40, for the first time, wanted to really be with someone, then getting depression and probably PTSD after his treatment of me. I also don't have kids, never wanted one until I met him.

I am just too damn tired to climb myself out of it.

The feeling of being used while blindly love and trust someone is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone ...I feel for you cause I've been there but it's not hard to climb out of it though it's not something you could forget !

 

[OverItAll]

God yes - the tiredness; just so much effort to try and snap out of it.

This quote applies to both men and women, but it's helped me get out of shitty relationships; Maya Angelou said "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option".

 

[Laststop]

I'm older than you are, and just had my world torn away from me. But, before that fell apart, I was messed up. I always have been. Yes, I went to work everyday. But I hated it. I always have. I never looked at it like not doing it was an option. Then, at almost 50, I was fired. Alone, more or less. The few (maybe only one) people I could go stay with to start over are not people I want to see me like this. My body has gone through bad changes since I lived with anyone. And other things. My very poor social skills, etc. But more than all of this, I don't want to do any more!!! I'm tired. I have no ambition. And I know exactly how you feel with being a kid trapped in an adults body. I really do. I've been saying it to myself for years now. I find myself weary. With a wore out body with lots of problems. I tried a job after I got fired, and just couldn't do it. Too demanding, in every sense. I've talked about this some here before. But here and now it's such a relief. You just can't tell people you don't want to be an adult. That you're mad and resentful you can't live forever in a slice of time and place of your own choosing. When the subject of Maladjusted Daydreaming comes up...that's what it is for me. I live in my head in a time and place when I was like 14-17. In the 80s. I just modify it to be better. I just want to be a teen, and be left alone in the 80s! Some people hint at an afterlife being one of living the life you want most. That would be it for me. And if I knew for a fact it was so, I wouldn't be able to CTB fast enough!

 

[wendydong1]

God yes - the tiredness; just so much effort to try and snap out of it.

This quote applies to both men and women, but it's helped me get out of shitty relationships; Maya Angelou said "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option".

But what is life without love. I don't want to just through life aimlessly, like a hamster on a wheel. Have no purpose, no purpose with a job that I am not good at. As I get older, the job is getting more and more difficult. When I get fired, I won't be able to get another one... Then what?

50 and poor and alone... With a broken heart.

I am also a kid in the adult body... In fact, the guy would always scream at me, saying "you are like a kid"... Because I would always beg him not to leave me...

Life is not getting prettier. It got ugly for me real quick. And will only uglier as I age, as I breath with a hole in my heart...

Too tired

 

[Dawn0071111]

You are definitely not alone. I think we are in similar boat. Some guy did a number on us, when we are already broken a little bit. My childhood experience is nowhere as bad as yours.

Everything that the nice people on this forum tells me, i know. The logical part of my brain knows. But emotionally, I am just exhausted. I am also 40, for the first time, wanted to really be with someone, then getting depression and probably PTSD after his treatment of me. I also don't have kids, never wanted one until I met him.

I am just too damn tired to climb myself out of it.

Awww hun, I feel your exhastion... I don't have kids.... Never wanted till I met him either... no matter how bad mine was... I don't think Ill ever forgive myself for running away from him.... One day Ill tell the whole story here before I CTB. PTSD from relational trauma is horrfic because unlike a mass shooting or natural disaster, this takes into account your identity, your core needs for loveas a human. When this gets tampered with, it destroys a person on a fundamental level. It is possible to recover, but yeah... just too tired... gey your rest sis. You deserve it

God yes - the tiredness; just so much effort to try and snap out of it.

This quote applies to both men and women, but it's helped me get out of shitty relationships; Maya Angelou said "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option".

I just feel like if I dont take whats given Ill never have anything, Im not good enough to demand to be anyones priority except people i have no.chemistry with. Im doomed. To those who can live up to this quote i applaud them...

But what is life without love. I don't want to just through life aimlessly, like a hamster on a wheel. Have no purpose, no purpose with a job that I am not good at. As I get older, the job is getting more and more difficult. When I get fired, I won't be able to get another one... Then what?

50 and poor and alone... With a broken heart.

I am also a kid in the adult body... In fact, the guy would always scream at me, saying "you are like a kid"... Because I would always beg him not to leave me...

Life is not getting prettier. It got ugly for me real quick. And will only uglier as I age, as I breath with a hole in my heart...

Too tired

Its breaks my heart so mamy of us humans are in such inner conditions... What can we do agasinst such ruthless realities of life when all we wanted is l9ve & acceptance.

I'm older than you are, and just had my world torn away from me. But, before that fell apart, I was messed up. I always have been. Yes, I went to work everyday. But I hated it. I always have. I never looked at it like not doing it was an option. Then, at almost 50, I was fired. Alone, more or less. The few (maybe only one) people I could go stay with to start over are not people I want to see me like this. My body has gone through bad changes since I lived with anyone. And other things. My very poor social skills, etc. But more than all of this, I don't want to do any more!!! I'm tired. I have no ambition. And I know exactly how you feel with being a kid trapped in an adults body. I really do. I've been saying it to myself for years now. I find myself weary. With a wore out body with lots of problems. I tried a job after I got fired, and just couldn't do it. Too demanding, in every sense. I've talked about this some here before. But here and now it's such a relief. You just can't tell people you don't want to be an adult. That you're mad and resentful you can't live forever in a slice of time and place of your own choosing. When the subject of Maladjusted Daydreaming comes up...that's what it is for me. I live in my head in a time and place when I was like 14-17. In the 80s. I just modify it to be better. I just want to be a teen, and be left alone in the 80s! Some people hint at an afterlife being one of living the life you want most. That would be it for me. And if I knew for a fact it was so, I wouldn't be able to CTB fast enough!

Thank you for sharing. I think the phenomenon of not wanting to grow up or not feeling like we are chronologically our age is more common than we think but because we live in a society that values pulling yourself up from the boot straps endurance perseverance success and winning anyone who fall short of these things is seen as weak and a loser even though most people wouldn't put it in those terms you can always sense their pity and disgust for your unwillingness to not suck it up and go on. and that isn't to say that there isn't something very beautiful about human resilience it really is amazing when we watch people overcome their struggles. But to demand this from everyone I find to be short-sighted and unfair lacking in compassion. I feel like we just need to cut ourselves some slack and that's what we do here. I'm just one little human being and it's true that there have been many solitary human beings that have changed the course of the world but holding myself to that standard his do nothing the fact of the matter is I could have an impact or I could have none or I could just have a little bit of impact. But this world is so crazy and random I read about kids who live in trash dumps in third world countries about people who are starving to death about children who never get a chance. I just think that it's better to accept that I'm one little human being and at the end of the day at some point it's not going to matter when I stop existing. That's some of us really do get screwed up due to our childhoods due to brain chemistry due to genetics whatever it is and sometimes it's just better to catch that bus and find a better place of West peace and happiness

I'm older than you are, and just had my world torn away from me. But, before that fell apart, I was messed up. I always have been. Yes, I went to work everyday. But I hated it. I always have. I never looked at it like not doing it was an option. Then, at almost 50, I was fired. Alone, more or less. The few (maybe only one) people I could go stay with to start over are not people I want to see me like this. My body has gone through bad changes since I lived with anyone. And other things. My very poor social skills, etc. But more than all of this, I don't want to do any more!!! I'm tired. I have no ambition. And I know exactly how you feel with being a kid trapped in an adults body. I really do. I've been saying it to myself for years now. I find myself weary. With a wore out body with lots of problems. I tried a job after I got fired, and just couldn't do it. Too demanding, in every sense. I've talked about this some here before. But here and now it's such a relief. You just can't tell people you don't want to be an adult. That you're mad and resentful you can't live forever in a slice of time and place of your own choosing. When the subject of Maladjusted Daydreaming comes up...that's what it is for me. I live in my head in a time and place when I was like 14-17. In the 80s. I just modify it to be better. I just want to be a teen, and be left alone in the 80s! Some people hint at an afterlife being one of living the life you want most. That would be it for me. And if I knew for a fact it was so, I wouldn't be able to CTB fast enough!

Thank you for sharing. I think the phenomenon of not wanting to grow up or not feeling like we are chronologically our age is more common than we think but because we live in a society that values pulling yourself up from the boot straps endurance perseverance success and winning anyone who fall short of these things is seen as weak and a loser even though most people wouldn't put it in those terms you can always sense their pity and disgust for your unwillingness to not suck it up and go on. and that isn't to say that there isn't something very beautiful about human resilience it really is amazing when we watch people overcome their struggles. But to demand this from everyone I find to be short-sighted and unfair lacking in compassion. I feel like we just need to cut ourselves some slack and that's what we do here. I'm just one little human being and it's true that there have been many solitary human beings that have changed the course of the world but holding myself to that standard his do nothing the fact of the matter is I could have an impact or I could have none or I could just have a little bit of impact. But this world is so crazy and random I read about kids who live in trash dumps in third world countries about people who are starving to death about children who never get a chance. I just think that it's better to accept that I'm one little human being and at the end of the day at some point it's not going to matter when I stop existing. That's some of us really do get screwed up due to our childhoods due to brain chemistry due to genetics whatever it is and sometimes it's just better to catch that bus and find a better place of West peace and happiness

 

[blanketyblk]

No words can make you feel better. i know. so just hugs. your so similar to me. coming to the same place but from different angels. but we are both broken and just can't be bother any more trying to make the piece fit back together.

my parents use to say that i was cursed by a gypsies growing up. before if anything could possibly go wrong. it would always happen to me. and it's pretty true.

but again. your story cuts deep to me and i can feel your pain in your words. and i wish i really do i could say something witty or funny that would make you smile and see that other people are in the same boat too. but I'm also too broken to try. so just well yeah

from one nearly middle aged women to another. HUGS!

 

[Dawn0071111]

No words can make you feel better. i know. so just hugs. your so similar to me. coming to the same place but from different angels. but we are both broken and just can't be bother any more trying to make the piece fit back together.

my parents use to say that i was cursed by a gypsies growing up. before if anything could possibly go wrong. it would always happen to me. and it's pretty true.

but again. your story cuts deep to me and i can feel your pain in your words. and i wish i really do i could say something witty or funny that would make you smile and see that other people are in the same boat too. but I'm also too broken to try. so just well yeah

from one nearly middle aged women to another. HUGS!

Thanks girl!

 

[HGL91]

But what is life without love. I don't want to just through life aimlessly, like a hamster on a wheel. Have no purpose, no purpose with a job that I am not good at. As I get older, the job is getting more and more difficult. When I get fired, I won't be able to get another one... Then what?

50 and poor and alone... With a broken heart.

I am also a kid in the adult body... In fact, the guy would always scream at me, saying "you are like a kid"... Because I would always beg him not to leave me...

Life is not getting prettier. It got ugly for me real quick. And will only uglier as I age, as I breath with a hole in my heart...

Too tired

Yeah. I feel like even in my early 20s, I got away with crying or being childish, but now as I approach 28, and I have gray hairs sprouting from my head, I feel so immature for my age. :(

 

[Darkhaven]

Shit, i can relate so much to this!
Maybe my life wasn't as rough as yours, specially during youth, but i can see myself get to your age and feel like you.
Wish i could help you, but i can't even help myself.
Almost having to dp the jump to get out of my mom's house and no social skills and a completely fucked up mind won't let me stay on a job for long.

 

[azucaramargo]

You are definitely not alone. I think we are in similar boat. Some guy did a number on us, when we are already broken a little bit. My childhood experience is nowhere as bad as yours.

Everything that the nice people on this forum tells me, i know. The logical part of my brain knows. But emotionally, I am just exhausted. I am also 40, for the first time, wanted to really be with someone, then getting depression and probably PTSD after his treatment of me. I also don't have kids, never wanted one until I met him.

I am just too damn tired to climb myself out of it.

Wendydong1, you are a goddess and a warrior, and you are destined for greatness.

But what is life without love. I don't want to just through life aimlessly, like a hamster on a wheel. Have no purpose, no purpose with a job that I am not good at. As I get older, the job is getting more and more difficult. When I get fired, I won't be able to get another one... Then what?

50 and poor and alone... With a broken heart.

I am also a kid in the adult body... In fact, the guy would always scream at me, saying "you are like a kid"... Because I would always beg him not to leave me...

Life is not getting prettier. It got ugly for me real quick. And will only uglier as I age, as I breath with a hole in my heart...

Too tired

Wendydong1, I don't know much, but I know I'll get my once-every-two-weeks salary on Friday, and I'd bet every penny of it on your bright future. You are fierce! Smart and vulnerable and loving: a force!

You will not die poor, alone, or unhappy. Of that much, I am certain.