markimobzzdeasui
Life is a cruel joke
- Oct 24, 2021
- 1,148
Even if my life is complete shit with absolutely negligible chance of true recovery and tons of other problems with zero will to live, it still gets worse as long as I am in this limbo period. I am literally seeing myself becoming more shell of a person, drowning more in my miseries and addictions and loosing parts of myself that I never ever thought is possible, with the only consolation left is that of Suicide and ending it all! Few months ago,If I would have been able to attempt, I would have died with more dignity,self respect, integrated parts of myself and honesty. It's like the universe and my life is almost mocking me by saying it is my fault that I am living. All those past voices of abuses,toxic shame and traumas are becoming more severe now in my head and yet I am loosing grip on the reasons of why I am becoming like this and not able to do it finally!
So many people die everyday. People who don't deserve to die are still taken away. Why can't I trade places with them? Why do these humans have to create so much guilt and self awareness around suicide that your mind and body are ready to suffer meaninglessly while almost always trying to find some reasons and guilt to not do it,which is not natural but induced one? Suicide itself is not easy. I earlier thought that in my last weeks or month I would take time alone and maybe enjoy the nature,ponder over things and events, make peace with everything and finally leave peacefully. But my conditions,fear and consequences of failure and declining health have all but made sure that I will leave in a hurry and possibly ugly way.
Sorry for this incoherent venting. And thank you to this forum and all the members here. This is the only place where I feel safe and even happy sometimes.
So many people die everyday. People who don't deserve to die are still taken away. Why can't I trade places with them? Why do these humans have to create so much guilt and self awareness around suicide that your mind and body are ready to suffer meaninglessly while almost always trying to find some reasons and guilt to not do it,which is not natural but induced one? Suicide itself is not easy. I earlier thought that in my last weeks or month I would take time alone and maybe enjoy the nature,ponder over things and events, make peace with everything and finally leave peacefully. But my conditions,fear and consequences of failure and declining health have all but made sure that I will leave in a hurry and possibly ugly way.
Sorry for this incoherent venting. And thank you to this forum and all the members here. This is the only place where I feel safe and even happy sometimes.
