Story I am the worst and most miserable human being and I regret it

[Ethernatuskoi]

I don't know where to start, so I'll be brief. My family didn't know that I suffer from depression and I decided to talk about it with my mother, a woman who has always done everything for me and to see me well. She helped me with the necessary treatment for depression, and that was a relief. However, not long ago I bought a medicine to treat anxiety, which is propranolol, which is used to reduce heart rate and relieve tremors and symptoms of anxiety and tachycardia. Earlier today, she found out that I bought the medicine without a prescription at the pharmacy, because in my country it is sold without a prescription. She was extremely worried about me, and I, with my ignorance and angry outbursts, ended up arguing with her and saying things I shouldn't have and made my biggest mistake: I made her cry.

We have fought many times, and this is the second time I have made her cry. I really didn't want to make her cry. I knew she would react with concern, and even so, I said things I shouldn't have. I said the money was mine, I said that any side effects would occur in my body and not hers. Anyway, all of this weighed heavily on her and she cried and is angry with me. I cried too, I apologized, I immediately recognized that I was wrong. I am trying to change, through religion, talking to God, praying, trying to control and change my habits, but I can't. I am pathetic to the point of not being able to do anything right, and I made my biggest mistake by making my mother cry. This is something I will carry with me forever until the day I die and I will never forgive myself for it. If before I had doubts about being a bad person and being condemned, then today I am certain.

A trash person like me doesn't deserve any happiness. I don't deserve to be happy in life, nor after death, because I know that after death, I will probably be condemned for my actions, even if I regret them. I don't want to see my mother get sick, I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I don't want to cause problems for anyone, but I'm a trash person for having done this. I'm in despair, feeling immensely guilty, and I'll never forgive myself for this.
I'm trying to calm down. I feel like I've had a panic attack and I feel like throwing up. The problem is that I have emetophobia, which is basically the fear of vomiting, and this only triggers more panic in me. I regret the bad things I said and I hope I can resolve this complicated situation

 

[-Link-]

Part of being family is imposing the entire range of emotions on each other: Happiness, anger, worry, surprise, disappointment, sadness, grief...

Generally speaking, parents cry over their children. A lot. It's just that the children usually aren't witnessing it when it happens.

In dealing with the aftermath of making a parent cry, remind yourself: This is what family members sometimes do to each other. It's a product of the love and care that comes with being family.

Here, you're still feeling overwhelmed with guilt and she's still feeling bad, so what I'd look at is revisiting that apology.

Ideally, a full apology comes with several components:

• Be prompt.
• State what you did.
• Admit responsibility without making excuses.
• Speak the words, "I'm sorry," or, "I apologize."
• Offer to make amends.
• Tell them what you'll do differently going forward.

If there's anything here that could be added, and if she's willing to hear you out, the sooner you can do that, the better. And in revisiting the apology, you could start from the beginning.

State what you said or did, acknowledging responsibility without qualifying it with any excuses (no if's, and's, or but's). You could also acknowledge why you believe she didn't deserve to hear what you said -- that she's "always done everything for you and to see you well" and how she's supported you through your struggles with depression (just a possible example based on what you said about her).

Then say you're sorry, again. But you only need to say it once. If you're needing to repeat it, you could say something like, "Will you forgive me," or, "Do you accept my apology," instead.

In making amends, you'd look at how you can make it up to your mother. If you're unsure about what you could do, then you could ask her: "What can I do to make it up to you?"

Verbalize a commitment to trying to do better going forward, and tell her what that looks like. If this upset was the result of an angry outburst, what will you do going forward to try to keep better control? And then of course, try your best to actually follow through on what you're promising.

If this conversation would be too difficult to have face-to-face in the moment, then maybe you could write a personal letter in its place.

I'm sorry you're suffering so badly, and I really do hope you can work things out with your mother. Wishing you well as can be with this.

 

[Hollowman]

You're definitely not the worst and probably not the most miserable. Try not to be too hard on yourself, easier said than done I know.

 

[curiousbeing]

I will write my own opinion and i am not trying to make you appear as innocent, fake praise you etc


In some ways you are actually right. it is your own body that takes medications. Your body will feel its benefits or suffer consequences. Probably she responded with intense emotions, and you reacted with intense emotions too. here both of you are innocent. why? A few years ago, a friend of mine told me "sounds like you need a break from your family". it was very true. no, it doesn't mean cutting off contact. when i was a child, just for fun I would go to my grandma's and stay there for weeks until i really miss home. Is there a relative you can go and stay with them for days? Not just one day


with that said, I understand how horrible it is to see your mom cry. i didn't make her cry as directly as like this, but she later cried and i simply felt horrible, even if i was totally innocent

major part of my reason why i want to ctb so strongly (in the past my ctb feelings would eventually disappear and i would feel calm) is that in future i am going to have more problems, including finding a job, marriage (here you simply must marry or your family will be laughed at, so i understand my family's insistence on marrying), etc. it means potentially more, intense fights with mom and making her cry and seeing everything. She has a very big chance she can suddenly have a stroke in future. it's genetic, all old people here get it. I don't want to see her cry and have a stroke too. stroke is very scary. if she gets triggered by my problems so much that she has a stroke, it will be very bad. with such mental health and no job, i won't be able to take care of her properly

 

[Ethernatuskoi]

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words of support and suggestions. Right after everything happened, I immediately regretted it, cried, apologized, and could barely sleep because of the weight of guilt, but I am in the process of genuinely repenting and making amends. I hope things work out