i am the own disaster in my life

[hyacinths]

i think ultimately the one constant in my life that allows myself back into these depressive thoughts is me and myself alone. everyone has continually given me second chances and allowed me ample space to grow, yet i continually allow myself to stay in the same place. i am stagnant - unmoving and unchanging, unclean and unloved. yet only i am the one to blame. i do not seek out meaningful relationships, i am terrified of new people, and i continually blame others for the way that i feel about myself. friends and family do their best to support me, yet i know they all see me for the true disappointment that i am. the missed opportunities and wrong decisions that i am made apart of. it's shameful. to know that the one constant holding me back is nothing but the reflection i see in the mirror. and, oh, what a horrible image that stares back.

for so long, have i felt the feelings of being just barely not enough. i'm smart, but not smart enough. cute, but not cute enough. kind, but not kind enough. i am the middle ground of all people and there is nothing special about me except for the lack of anything i have done with my life. twenty-three with the only meaningful piece of paper to my name is a high school diploma. twenty-three with never having someone who's truly loved me in any meaningful way. twenty-three years wasted and thrown down the drain.

yet even i do not feel as if i have the right to complain about this. a steady job, a good friend group, maintaining good relationships with my parents for once. visits with a therapist i can connect with, a daily prescription to fluoxentine. everything is going right. everything is going as it should be. but yet there is an emptiness in my heart, unable to be filled by anything. drugs can only cover up a small amount of the pure despair i feel in my heart; aloe vera for a third degree burn. yet nothing has caused this - except for me. i am the sole cause. and perhaps it cannot be cured.

i cannot help but wonder if certain people were meant to be here for a short time on this earth. would i be considered one of those people? am i destined for a short life, destined to die by my own hand? i continually try over and over again to get up but yet i am still here. i am still in the ground, six feet under. no matter how hard i continue to try to dig out, only more dirt is shoved onto me. i wonder when i will finally be able to rest in this pit of my own making. i'm so tired.

 

[Labyrinth]

You write incredibly well. Young and with good qualities.

All my life I was – I am – just like you, being a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing. Aspiring to excellence without getting closer to it, always going backwards. The life I never lived, but know I could have lived, is my biggest regret. Sometimes I wish things were different no matter what. Where did the person I was go? Does it still exist in me? I feel...like...almost not anymore.

 

[Kadaver]

I understand how you feel. I'm 22 but have also accomplished nothing. I also feel like I'm destined to commit suicide.

I also feel like I've had chance after chance to pick myself up off the ground but I fail everytime. The effort I put in is never enough

 

[N33dT0D13]

I feel similar, I think. 32 and after a lonely life lived unloved and wishing for friendship and people to care, I have it, irl and online, and it still isn't enough. I always find ways to convince myself that people don't care *enough* because I'm never anyone's first choice, I'm likable but not likable enough to ever be anyone's favorite because I'm too standard, too default, too statistically average, too fucking boring. Not to mention the self-sabotage, if people aren't hitting me up every second of every day then I clearly don't matter enough to them and need to isolate despite knowing that it will only make me feel worse, because deep down I know I will never be happy or satisfied with what I have in life. I have an okay life, I wish I could give it to someone who would appreciate it more than I do.

 

[Bleh61]

I've felt utterly worthless many times in my life. When I was in my late teens, I literally walked with my head down because I was afraid that people would mock me.
For many years I lived with my parents. I couldn't find a job and had just given up on life. I eventually was prodded to start looking after my dad died. I realized that I didn't want to be a complete failure, and I was afraid that if I didn't get a job, I'd wind up homeless. For years, therapists told me I had dysthymia, but I knew that there was something missing I had symptoms that didn't jive with the diagnosis. Eventually, a Psychologist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. CPTSD is caused by a series of traumatic or challenging experiences, usually in childhood.

Here are some of the symptoms:

According to the ICD-11, complex PTSD includes most of the core symptoms of PTSD, such as:

• Flashbacks (re-experiencing the traumatic event).
• Avoidance and detachment from people, events and environmental triggers of the trauma.
• Excessive attention to the possibility of danger (hypervigilance).
• Frequent negative thoughts and emotions.

In addition to the following symptoms:

• Excessive reactivity to negative emotional stimuli with anger and aggressive behavior (affective dysregulation).
• A negative sense of self involving persistent feelings of shame, guilt, failure and worthlessness.
• Severe difficulty in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships.

You don't have to have all of these symptoms. My flashbacks are emotional and generally consist of constantly bringing up negative life experiences and thinking about what could have been.
Hypervigilance doesn't always apply to CPTSD. I suffered low level physical abuse but, mostly, psychological abuse. I was essentially told over and over that I was defective and that I couldn't do anything right.

Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but I found through working with clients, I'm a social service worker, that many people struggle with this. When I got the diagnosis, it really changed my life for the better.
I hope things get better for you.

 

[SteamaHorns]

Yeah I relate on being the only person that can be blamed. My worst problems pretty much stemmed from the fact that I let every one of my chances go to waste without trying. Me blaming myself now is probably just some overly convoluted way of feeling like I'm shifting the blame away from myself, or maybe I've just accepted the way I naturally am. I also relate on the feeling as if I was fated to just be miserable, which was actually a constant looming fear I had when I still had real hope.

 

[gaze]

The life I never lived, but know I could have lived, is my biggest regret.

this eats away at me every day