The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 129
I am a loser. The sad, pathetic loser you see in movies that audiences are supposed to laugh at.
The more I reflect on my life as a neurodivergent male the more I realize how fundamental my alienation from human society has become.
Ever since childhood I saw no point in playing or partaking in their shared activities, but roamed around the gardens collecting flowers and living in my own world.
I grew up experiencing a debilitating social anxiety that made me essentially a mute, incapable of socializing or connecting with humans meaningfully. This led to exclusion, rejection and mockery by others. A decade of almost complete loneliness went by while others lived normally.
I am now a young adult and see no hope for the future. I don't know what will be of myself. I simply never had a real social circle, or close friendships or any semblance of healthy affection, not even from family members.
I cannot sit in the position of a victim forever. I must get myself back up. But for what? All that I went through meant nothing it seems. The world moves on. Almost everyone else had normal lives, or at least much better lives. Talking to other humans feels like talking to aliens. I am getting desperate, my life is at a major point. I am getting desperate. I need to fight for my share of life, but I don't have energy or vitality. It just doesn't come.
I look at around and have to accept the fact that essentially no one else understands what I went through. No one really is like me. And the prospects of true close relationships are minimal. All I can do for the time being is keep performing, clowning and... just existing.
Suicide. All I think about these last few days is Suicide.
The more I reflect on my life as a neurodivergent male the more I realize how fundamental my alienation from human society has become.
Ever since childhood I saw no point in playing or partaking in their shared activities, but roamed around the gardens collecting flowers and living in my own world.
I grew up experiencing a debilitating social anxiety that made me essentially a mute, incapable of socializing or connecting with humans meaningfully. This led to exclusion, rejection and mockery by others. A decade of almost complete loneliness went by while others lived normally.
I am now a young adult and see no hope for the future. I don't know what will be of myself. I simply never had a real social circle, or close friendships or any semblance of healthy affection, not even from family members.
I cannot sit in the position of a victim forever. I must get myself back up. But for what? All that I went through meant nothing it seems. The world moves on. Almost everyone else had normal lives, or at least much better lives. Talking to other humans feels like talking to aliens. I am getting desperate, my life is at a major point. I am getting desperate. I need to fight for my share of life, but I don't have energy or vitality. It just doesn't come.
I look at around and have to accept the fact that essentially no one else understands what I went through. No one really is like me. And the prospects of true close relationships are minimal. All I can do for the time being is keep performing, clowning and... just existing.
Suicide. All I think about these last few days is Suicide.
