Venting I am terrified of the pain. I wish it was easier to die.

[sadlystillgoing3]

I so badly wish that there was a 100% effective way to die that was guaranteed to be 100% painless and peaceful. I wish that it wasn't taboo. I wish assisted suicide/euthanasia was legal in the US and easily accessible. I wish that suicide wasn't demonized and seen as such a bad thing. If you search articles about this site, all of them are calling it "evil"...like, how are people just wanting PEACE evil? It's not like I woke up one day and decided to be suicidal. I've tried so hard to survive. So hard to be happy. So hard to heal my mental state. Nothing works.

Ironically, I have an extremely high pain tolerance (due to years and years of SH and an eating disorder...that'll do it). Yet, I am scared shitless of the pain of dying. I literally have massive tattoos on my arms that I get laser removal on and it feels like a fucking knife cutting into my skin after being stung by 1000 bees and poured on with acid...but the thought of the pain of lack of oxygen, or my bones breaking, or suffocating...it's a thousand times worse in my mind.

I've tried multiple times before and always back out and I can't get myself to choose a more lethal method out of fear of survival/pain. So, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to probably live into my 40s and die from something related to malnutrition. Probably organ failure or heart arrhythmia. It'll be a very long, slow death for me.

 

[Pookie]

Sorry you're suffering so much. I'm with you on that, I wish assisted dying was legal everywhere. We're in the dark ages when it comes to that. Even nature gets it right. Diseased/weak animals don't languish endlessly, they get killed by prey and their suffering is over. Even diseased dolphins beach themselves. We euthanise our pets. But noooooo, humans are expected to stay alive and suffer suffer suffer.

What is SH?

 

[ihavetoleave]

I feel the same way. I have no way to move forward, yet I can't seem to take that last step. I've basically run my life into the ground like a plane crash and I still can't do it. I've also tried many times and I keep making the choice to live and I am so upset with myself for hanging to the side of a cliff for so long with no hope. I keep telling myself to let go, I keep wishing for my life to end each night yet I still wake up every morning again and again. I see people have passed away unfairly and in terrible circumstances they did not expect and I would do anything to be able to volunteer myself in their place, the world is not fair. Those who want to live have such tragic ends and those of us who wish to die keep surviving. This must be a kind of hell we are stuck in.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Sorry you're suffering so much. I'm with you on that, I wish assisted dying was legal everywhere. We're in the dark ages when it comes to that. Even nature gets it right. Diseased/weak animals don't languish endlessly, they get killed by prey and their suffering is over. Even diseased dolphins beach themselves. We euthanise our pets. But noooooo, humans just have to stay alive and suffer suffer suffer.

What is SH?

I agree with what you said except that I think most wild animals die badly, not peacefully or necessarily quickly, so I don't envy them. Here's a worrying quote from prominent biologist Richard Dawkins taken from the Wiki page on 'Wild Animal Suffering':

"The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored."

 

[Pookie]

I agree with what you said except that I think most wild animals die badly, not peacefully or necessarily quickly, so I don't envy them. Here's a worrying quote from prominent biologist Richard Dawkins taken from the Wiki page on 'Wild Animal Suffering':

"The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored."

Of course, but any diseased or weak animal isn't going to languish for decade upon decade in that state. Nature will take care of them soon enough. Humans often suffer for decades and are kept alive artificially, some of them with the most horrific and painful diseases. That's the difference.

Edit: Many humans don't die peacefully or quickly either. Have you seen what something like cancer does to people? At least I could have my pet euthanised when she got cancer and her death was painless and quick. We as humans don't get that luxury.

 

[ihavetoleave]

I agree with what you said except that I think most wild animals die badly, not peacefully or necessarily quickly, so I don't envy them. Here's a worrying quote from prominent biologist Richard Dawkins taken from the Wiki page on 'Wild Animal Suffering':

"The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored."

More reasons I hate being a part of this world. What is this reality? Why is there so much suffering? If there is no balance to anything and nothing is "fair" what is the point of us being a part of this chaos.

 

[Superdeterminist]

More reasons I hate being a part of this world. What is this reality? Why is there so much suffering? If there is no balance to anything and nothing is "fair" what is the point of us being a part of this chaos.

It's a true nightmare, I can't see how to ever justify it.

Of course, but any diseased or weak animal isn't going to languish for decade upon decade in that state. Nature will take care of them soon enough. Humans often suffer for decades and are kept alive artificially, some of them with the most horrific and painful diseases. That's the difference.

Edit: Many humans don't die peacefully or quickly either. Have you seen what something like cancer does to people? At least I could have my pet euthanised when she got cancer and her death was painless and quick. We as humans don't get that luxury.

It really is absurd that we afford pets that mercy but not our own kind.

 

[Meditation guide]

I so badly wish that there was a 100% effective way to die that was guaranteed to be 100% painless and peaceful.

There is only they made it illegal. I despise the government for being like this.

I'm scared too. I'm really at my wit's end.

 

[Nymph]

I'm scared of pain too:( sadly it's unavoidable with the government banning all the painless methods

 

[Meditation guide]

They want us to shoot ourselves maybe due to the gun lobby? So they sell more guns. It wouldn't surprise me.

 

[Spitfire]

There really are several available painless or as close to as one can wish to get to being painless methods.

Inert gas and CO come to mind and deserve respect. SN...

With assisted suicide the uncertainty and doubt would be largely eliminated, much of the fear. I wish it was legal everywhere.

 

[Good4Nothing]

They want us to shoot ourselves maybe due to the gun lobby? So they sell more guns. It wouldn't surprise me.

They want us to consume, pay taxes, make more good little consumers and tax payers.

 

[demuic]

I agree with what you said except that I think most wild animals die badly, not peacefully or necessarily quickly, so I don't envy them. Here's a worrying quote from prominent biologist Richard Dawkins taken from the Wiki page on 'Wild Animal Suffering':

"The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored."

Yes, that is why I say the very nature of our existence as living animals is based on suffering.

 

[muffin222]

I understand. I do believe that certain methods are relatively painless or at least minimally painful, such as CO, SN (with proper adherence to the procedure), and inert gases like helium.

Plus, even in face of pain, death from these methods is highly likely and occurs fairly quickly as long as the proper protocol is used. In addition, any pain you experience will be temporary and presumably worth enduring for the end result of no longer existing.


With SN, my method of choice, you're looking at around 20 minutes of consciousness before you pass out in exchange for freedom from the pain and suffering of existence. That seems like a reasonable trade off for me in the grand scheme of things.

That's how I view the issue of pain and suicide, anyway.

 

[262653]

We euthanise our pets. But noooooo, humans are expected to stay alive and suffer suffer suffer.

There are a few distinctions between euthanasia for humans and for other animals. Animals are euthanized when their owners agree to it. It's not up to the object of euthanasia to decide anything here. On the other hand, humans could request for self-euthanasia without the permission of their owners and/or partners, which can be very inconvenient for the interested parties.

 

[sadlystillgoing3]

Sorry you're suffering so much. I'm with you on that, I wish assisted dying was legal everywhere. We're in the dark ages when it comes to that. Even nature gets it right. Diseased/weak animals don't languish endlessly, they get killed by prey and their suffering is over. Even diseased dolphins beach themselves. We euthanise our pets. But noooooo, humans are expected to stay alive and suffer suffer suffer.

What is SH?

Those animals are lucky. And if anyone sees an animal in pain, they just put it down. You're so right. Abbreviated for self harm. Idk if that's an actual abbreviation or if I made it up

I feel the same way. I have no way to move forward, yet I can't seem to take that last step. I've basically run my life into the ground like a plane crash and I still can't do it. I've also tried many times and I keep making the choice to live and I am so upset with myself for hanging to the side of a cliff for so long with no hope. I keep telling myself to let go, I keep wishing for my life to end each night yet I still wake up every morning again and again. I see people have passed away unfairly and in terrible circumstances they did not expect and I would do anything to be able to volunteer myself in their place, the world is not fair. Those who want to live have such tragic ends and those of us who wish to die keep surviving. This must be a kind of hell we are stuck in.

Wow. This is written really well and I completely agree. So many people die in tragedies at the peak of their lives...just graduated high school, just got married, new mom, etc. It seems like every article about someone's unexpected death describes them as "in love with life" and extremely successful. Why not let them live and take me instead?? I also go to bed every night hoping to die in my sleep/not see the sunlight but I always do..

I agree with what you said except that I think most wild animals die badly, not peacefully or necessarily quickly, so I don't envy them. Here's a worrying quote from prominent biologist Richard Dawkins taken from the Wiki page on 'Wild Animal Suffering':

"The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored."

Yeah, that's pretty grim. Except some of them aren't as self aware as humans. I'm jealous that some species just run on biological instinct and don't really know what they are and aren't aware of life/death.

It's a true nightmare, I can't see how to ever justify it.

It really is absurd that we afford pets that mercy but not our own kind.

It is a freaking nightmare. Let me paint a picture for you: my mental illness makes it so that I don't have a distinct personality. My view of myself and beliefs are ever changing. I feel chronically empty and suicidal. No pills or therapy help. And that is just one of my many diagnoses. I wrecked my body due to my eating disorder have irreversible symptoms. I've shrunk in height, I never finished puberty, my bone density is low, my metabolism is fucked and holds onto fat, I have migraines and vertigo, hypoglycemia...three years ago my organs were beginning to shut down. It seemed like a perfect ending, but nooo, instead they put my through treatment and left me to suffer up until now. Would've been more ethical to put me down then.

They want us to shoot ourselves maybe due to the gun lobby? So they sell more guns. It wouldn't surprise me.

What is the gun lobby?

There really are several available painless or as close to as one can wish to get to being painless methods.

Inert gas and CO come to mind and deserve respect. SN...

With assisted suicide the uncertainty and doubt would be largely eliminated, much of the fear. I wish it was legal everywhere.

I have no clue where to get that stuff. I live with my parents and am incredibly anxious...too anxious to even try to use a "painless" method. :(

They want us to consume, pay taxes, make more good little consumers and tax payers.

And isn't it fucked that we literally created money and capitalism. We live on a fucking floating rock in space that will cease to exist at some point. The whole universe will eventually die...yet our lives revolve around money.

 

[Meditation guide]

There is no such thing as freedom as long as we are not given a peaceful easy way out whenever we want it.

 

[Blurred_Reality]

Thread title sums it up well for me. It's the main reason why I have been at the bus stop so long. That and the chance that things might change/get better.

 

[sadlystillgoing3]

I understand. I do believe that certain methods are relatively painless or at least minimally painful, such as CO, SN (with proper adherence to the procedure), and inert gases like helium.

Plus, even in face of pain, death from these methods is highly likely and occurs fairly quickly as long as the proper protocol is used. In addition, any pain you experience will be temporary and presumably worth enduring for the end result of no longer existing.


With SN, my method of choice, you're looking at around 20 minutes of consciousness before you pass out in exchange for freedom from the pain and suffering of existence. That seems like a reasonable trade off for me in the grand scheme of things.

That's how I view the issue of pain and suicide, anyway.

I tell myself that a few minutes of pain/fear is worth it, but I still can't get myself to go through with anything. I'm too dumb to figure out how to use SN or any gases without endangering my family. & I'd be so afraid...just so afraid. I don't even fear actual death. I fear the minutes before it. Ugh.

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't even fear actual death. I fear the minutes before it. Ugh.

Same here. I'm wishing I had a place to use CO.

 

[muffin222]

I tell myself that a few minutes of pain/fear is worth it, but I still can't get myself to go through with anything. I'm too dumb to figure out how to use SN or any gases without endangering my family. & I'd be so afraid...just so afraid. I don't even fear actual death. I fear the minutes before it. Ugh.

I repeat this sentiment a lot on here, but I firmly believe that fear that completely immobilizes us from being able to ctb even when we want to die is a sign from somewhere deep within that we're not 100% at peace with dying and that we'd likely benefit from taking more time to consider. For me, with ctb intense fear and doubt are a signal that it may not be your time yet.

I'm sorry you're suffering, and I truly hope you reach the best outcome for you and your situation

 

[happiestman]

die from something related to malnutrition. Probably organ failure or heart arrhythmia. It'll be a very long, slow death for me.

Not sure its a good plan. Think over it again.

 

[IWantToSleep]

I'm worried that I'll have to resort to a more gory method as well, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

 

[sadlystillgoing3]

I repeat this sentiment a lot on here, but I firmly believe that fear that completely immobilizes us from being able to ctb even when we want to die is a sign from somewhere deep within that we're not 100% at peace with dying and that we'd likely benefit from taking more time to consider. For me, with ctb intense fear and doubt are a signal that it may not be your time yet.

I'm sorry you're suffering, and I truly hope you reach the best outcome for you and your situation

I used to think that too but I've been suicidal since I was 15. If I have any motivation to live, I'm not sensing it. I hope it doesn't sound narcissistic or lofty, but I truly don't feel any part of me that wants to live. I'm just scared of pain. I live with panic attacks and that feeling of doom is the worst feeling in the world...I can only imagine what actual dying is like.

Not sure its a good plan. Think over it again.

It's not that bad. Majority die a sudden death of heart failure. But even so, it's my only option.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, the pain is the worst part as for CTB.
I just tried to partially hang myself a few days ago but the pain in my head which was about to explode, scared the s*it out of me and had to stop.

 

[Ender]

And isn't it fucked that we literally created money and capitalism. We live on a fucking floating rock in space that will cease to exist at some point. The whole universe will eventually die...yet our lives revolve around money.

This... this is accurate...