Venting I am so useless

[Painless_end]

I admire the fact that people have real ambitions and goals and they don't just give up.

I never had one. Ever since I was child, I was very random in my interests. The part of the brain that is responsible for creating real deep ambitions and life goals, is either not existing, or hasn't developed properly in me. I am sure it is some kind of neurological / biological issue.

Atleast until I was in school / college, it was less of a hindrance. The goals to study and pass the exams were clearly defined in front of me, and I just had to brute force through the parts I didn't like. So far so good. My memorization game was strong, which helped me a lot to just regurgitate whatever I crammed from the textbooks. But I never got around to conceptual understanding or abstract critical thinking.

Then, the real world happened. I started working. And just like that, my straight as an arrow, studious, diligent image collapsed. I could not adjust to my chosen profession. I failed at abstract thinking and accepting responsibility for achieving goals that help the business.

I failed because I couldn't set a goal. Goals are set by people who have desires. Desires help you to orient yourself towards a goal. For example, if your desire is to make a lot of money, you will turn to professions that match your internal abilities and internal shock absorbers and allow you the best chance to progress and achieve your goal of making money.

If your goal is to make great art, you will choose an artistic profession that best allows you to express your inner artist.

If your goal is to help people, you will turn to non-profit volunteer work which will give you a deep sense of inner satisfaction.

Now here's the catch for me. Being uninterested in either making money, making art, or helping people is a real downer.

The daily pressure of survival means that I have to rely on my logical abilities to think my way out of any situation.

I used to work for some years as a technical computer software support specialist. But since I was neither passionate about the work nor the money, and having access to living with my parents who could provide meals and a house for me to live in, I gave up the job. Let me be honest and say, I suck at the values of teamwork, loyalty and service which are the absolute basic of being successful in a job.

Now I have enough savings to not be a financial burden on my parents. My needs are low. I spend neither on fancy clothes, nor alcohol or cars. I only spend on the occassional junk food treat when I get tired of eating at home. There is no financial crunch we are facing.

But my inner purpose is gone. I care not for either getting a job, or doing one which someone thrusts on me. I avoid phone calls from my relatives and friends. I walk to the park alone and only stop to pet cats or eat junk food.

I wish I wasn't like this. The only way to avoid this would be not have been born at all.

I was told by someone to do something that would have helped me not be like this today. But that event and that opportunity expired many years ago. And I lost it forever, and myself with it.

 

[Andry387]

I advise you to try to find a job that you really like.
If there is no such thing, look at science.For example, microbiology or genetics. Try to start with a simple one.
For example, dna extraction, which can be done at home.
And then find online tutorials and try to understand the beginning.
If something does not work out in genetics, do not worry, at first many people do not succeed
If you like it, then it will be your hobby.

 

[freight_train]

i'm the same way. I feel like I never genuinely cared about anything, not even girls or money. or drugs, video games, you name it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I do see where you are coming from and why it is a problem. Sadly, I don't think it's something you can force either- you can't make yourself be interested in something.

I guess I would ask whether you had tried enough things to know that nothing interests you? Do you have any hobbies?

This isn't likely to make you feel much better and I truly hate it when people compare their 'pain'. Still- I would say that having drive and ambition doesn't always mean you will be successful. I come from a creative background. Pathetically, it is probably the most important thing in my life. It's what sustains me emotionally really. I'm freelance now but it is SO difficult to make ends meet. I'm reaching the point where I know in my heart that I can't sustain myself on it financially anymore. I'm going to have to look for a shit job again and it will be hell. Sadly, SO many people end up in jobs that they don't want- regardless of whether or not they have a huge desire to do something else.

I do understand though that it's hard to even strive towards something when absolutely nothing appeals. Sadly, I don't really know what to suggest- other than to try as many things as you can in the hopes you hit on the thing that gives you meaning. I did actually end up doing a second degree because I had become lost and felt like a course with deadlines would make me focus. Maybe some more learning might be something to consider? Of course, you'd need to settle on a subject that appeals. I wish you luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never had much interest in existing in the first place. I've always seen life as being tedious, disappointing and unsatisfying. But I do think that some people are not meant for this world and this can mean that existing is very tiring for those people. Never being born at all is certainly the best thing in my opinion.
I wish you relief from your suffering.